BRANDEE'S STORY...

Brandee and her beautiful boys, Jack & Seth

One of the pleasures of blogging is meeting some very special people, and Brandee is one of those...a person I "clicked with" right away, whose posts can cause you to shed tears one moment, and laugh the next. Even in the face of incredible obstacles, Brandee never loses her wonderful sense of humour. Her spirit is indomitable; her determination to recover, inspirational.

Brandee shared with me her story and, with her permission, I am honoured to post it here on my blog:

"Brandee in a Nutshell...

~Life Story Assignment~
Brandee
4-12-09

Personal History:

1.) Age, where you were born, and where you grew up:
~ I am 33 today!
~ I was born in West Covina California.
~ I grew up in San Dimas, Duarte, El Monte, Azusa, Sunnymead, Covina, and Rialto.

2.) Siblings: how many, birth order, step/half sibs:
~ 5
~ I am the youngest by 35 minutes! Twin brother!
~ Deli (38), Steven (37) (these two have same father as each other), Bernie (35) (her father killed by drunk driver in ‘81), Andres (33! My twin). Then step brother for ten years Ryan (34).

3.) Parents: married, single, divorces, separations, remarriages:
~ Mother~ on 4th marriage. Never married to my father or my two oldest sibs father. Many live-in boyfriends and step fathers.
~ Father~ I call him sperm donor. Saw him just few times growing up. Was very close to his mother but he didn’t give a shit about my brother and I or his daughter from another relationship. Last saw him 6 years ago. He kept “hitting on me”.

4.) Religious background/ cultural beliefs:
~ grew up going to Sunday school with various friends wherever we moved. Personally accepted Christ in 1994 at age 18 and am Christian, non-denominational though attend an SDA church.

5.) How your family communicated/ dealt with conflicts and emotions:
~ Communicated:
-through notes to my mother who worked odd hours and we only saw her on
Weekends. Sibling rivalry. Didn’t really communicate. Chaos with 6 kids
And having to fend for ourselves and strict rules.
~ Dealt with Conflicts:
- fought and let it go.
- Ignored it.
-Kept it in until exploding.
~ Emotions:
- unsafe to be emotional for any reason yet emotions flew everywhere.
- made fun of for crying.
- told not to feel certain ways.
~ Abuse: sexual, physical, verbal. Emotional, neglect. Extreme physical and sexual
Abuse and neglect in early years.

6.) Deaths of Loved ones:
~ Maternal grandparents been deceased.
~ Paternal grandfather killed in plane crash before my birth.
~ step grandfather died when I was 11. First funeral I experienced and was
Devastated.
~ my stepfather’s mother died when I was 15. We helped care for her.
~ College: 6 deaths in one year. Went to 4 funerals.
~aunt very close to and lived with when we were homeless died on my birthday 5
Years ago today!
~ watched my step grandma slowly die 4 years ago then 3 months later my
Grandmother whom I grew up with very close to passed and there was
A lot of conflict and family crap over her death. I miss her terribly.

7) Your own marriages and children:
~Married two years to my first son’s father. Divorced Sept 2004.
~ Two gorgeous little boys.
- Seth ( 6 )
- Jack ( 2 )

8.) Family history or suspected history of ED, drug or alcohol use,
Depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia- any tx:
~ ED- my twin brother briefly in early youth.
- my middle sister in teen years.
- my oldest sister constantly diets and struggles with being overweight.
- my mother always a waif but did speed many years.
~ Drug/alcohol use :
- mother~ a lot of drug abuse during my upbringing. Severe.
- sperm donor~ alcoholic.
- brothers~ alcohol and drugs.
- many aunts and uncles with drug ad alcohol abuse.
~ Depression:
- too many family members to mention!
~ bipolar:
- I have no idea but most likely somewhere in the family.
~ schizophrenia:
- none that I am aware of.

9.) Personal Drug or alcohol use, any sobriety or tx:
~ never did drugs.
~ alcohol: haven’t had a drink in 3 years due to pregnancy and breastfeeding.
Alcohol got me into trouble as a teen with blacking out and another time raped.
I am not a big drinker by any means.

EDO History:

1.) When did your preoccupation with weight and food begin:
~ 12/13 ish. Became bulimic and took diet pills age 15.

2.) What were your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your life at
The start of your ED?
~ hated self. Hated looks. Wanted to run away from home.

3.) What events were occurring in your family’s life at the time?
~insecure about my looks. Wore glasses, crooked teeth, short hair. Teased a lot at
School and home by siblings. Hated life. Uncomfortable around step father and
Brother. A lot of fighting and chaos at home. First time hospitalized.

4.) Contributing factors: being told you were overweight, cultural stressors,
(t.v, magazines).
~ had a guy I briefly date in high school tell me I need to lose weight. Was on dance
Team and cheer and they weighed and measured us weekly for competitions.

5.) How long have you struggled with your ED?
~ roughly 20 years.

6.) Any changes from one type of behaviors to another (restricting to
Purging, ED behaviors to use of alcohol or drugs).
~started out exercise, purging several times a day, to restricting and purging
through laxatives, diuretics, ipecac, keeping busy.

7.) Any prior hospitalizations or treatment? (what for).
~several for depression, suicide etc and then eating disorder. More than 12 times.

8.) In what ways have you been deceptive to your loved ones, yourself, and
Past treatment team?
~don’t see family much as they are all over and started isolating.
~ when anyone would ask I would tell them it’s stress related and no appetite.
~ I continually minimize the intensity of the disorder.
~ in tx I exercised, hid food, and isolated.

9.) Any periods of depression or suicide attempts?
~nov 13, 1994 attempted and was in ICU 3 days then psych ward 7 weeks.
~May 1997 attempted and just stomach pumped with 5 days in patient.
~ battled depression off and on for several years.

10.)Any treatment for depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, etc?
~Depression: meds, therapy.

11.) Impact ED has had on your relationships: social life, family, work?
~picked cruel men to father my kids!
~ have withdrawn and not gone to see friends etc. pushed people away.
~ affected work in being ill often.

12.)Impact on education, profession/work, finances?
~Education: didn’t finish. Dropped college a few times. One year away from
Bachelors in psychology.
~Work: see above.
~ Finances: complete wreck.

13.) How has the ED helped you cope and with what?
~ I don’t have to face me.
~ helps me not be so overwhelmed.
~ I see fat in so many places and want to feel light and accepted.
~ helps anxiety when I lose weight and feel lighter.
~ makes me feel I can succeed in at least something!
~ makes me feel powerful.

Other info:

1.) What are your thoughts and feelings about you and your life today?
~ I hate so much about me.
~ I am not living the life I intended because I am not intuned to me and do for
Others.

2.) What would you like to achieve in treatment?
~belief that I truly am anorexic and in danger.
~ facing me.
~ grief
~ support, comfort, care.
~ acceptance of me at a heavier weight.

3.) What hobbies or activities did you used to enjoy and would you like to
Reincorporate them?
~Scrapbooking.
~ art, drawing, sketching
~ dance, performing
~camping

4.)What do you want for your life?
~contentment.
~ education
~ intact family

5.)what do you see or hope for in the future?
~see above"


"My story ~

I battled near 20 years. It started as a simple attempt to drop a few pounds. I was always tall in my pre-teen years and considered that to mean big, though not big by societal standards. When I started to develop, I gained. I was normal weight for my 5'8 frame but I wanted to be slightly under to be "safe". I was a dancer and high achiever but did not come from a good home. The drive from within to achieve despite a horrible and abusive upbringing soon became the drive that fueled the bulimia, then anorexia.

I started out with diet pills, restricting, and exercising. I dropped but not enough. I soon increased everything and added laxatives, caffeine pills, diuretics, and diet everything. I would walk up to 8 miles a day and vomit up to 8 times a day, even vomiting water if I felt full. I weighed my vomit to make sure I got everything, then took laxatives to drain me. I'd lose weight overnight only to end up in numerous ER rooms with iv's for heart arrhythmia, dehydration, and fainting. I would just go back to it, taking up to 100 pills a day.

I did this for several years and many hospitalizations. I soon dropped so low in weight I could barely function, with slurred speech, slow movements, chest pains, muscle spasms, electrolyte imbalances, potassium deficiency, anemia, edema, ketosis, and a torn esophagus.

I went to Remuda but wasn't ready. I left after two months refusing partial in Chandler.

I continued downward, losing a job, overdosing, and battling severe depression.
I had two kids which helped, and even went 7 years somewhat symptom free. but always maintaining at least 20 pounds below normal but right under the radar. No pills or anything for all those years until this past year.

I relapsed completely full force. My weight dropped further and starvation was incredibly easy. Thankfully, I have a therapist who cared, confronted, weighed me backwards then hospitalized me when too low and I passed out.

At first I was pissed. She urged me to go in-patient a few months leading up to my actually going but I refused. I gave up caring. I had battled custody in court near 2 years, was a single mom, had been in a horrible car accident with big rig, was drained at my job. Life was a mess and I wanted to starve to death.

I connected so well with my therapist that i began to trust again and knew my mind was gone. She gave me hope where I had none. She cared when I didn't have the energy to care. She held me up when i couldn't stand anymore. I soon craved seeing her more than the starvation and knew then I was in trouble physically and accepted hospitalization.

I spent a little over 3 months in treatment. After 20 years of this nightmare, I finally understood what recovery meant. I followed the in-patient program as best as I could. I cried and was blunt. I realized a setback does not equal a relapse and is not the go-ahead to go full force again. A setback is like a scrape that with time and a band-aid gets healed in a few days. Recovery is about discovery. For me it's about digging to why I hate myself so much. It's about being brutally honest with my therapist even when I think she might confront me. It's about not isolating, which breeds anorexia.

It's so not about weight at all. It's so about learning to be me and to stop living against who I am and sacrificing me to others’ needs and wants. It's about not living against oneself. It's about continually talking good to me and allowing more and more positive in daily to diminish the strength of the ED voice. The Recovery voice needs to be the strength.

Recovery is surrounding myself with others focused on recovery and using my story to help others and not allow it to be a waste but to fuel recovery and validate where I have been.

Recovery is challenging. It's allowing oneself to really discover true self and become the person one was meant to be. Really go deep. Find out when you started living for others and not yourself, which soon allowed your Ed to enter in.
It's ok to be you and I am learning this and so grateful for the love and support I have and the strength to admit setbacks and to tell on myself to my wonderful therapist who comforts me so much and whom i trust with everything.

Anyhow, I tried not to do the number thing because no matter what, it's never low enough but even telling you now I feel you will think I was not anorexic enough but here it goes: I am 5'8 and my lowest was 92. I see others in like the 60's 70's but then most a lot shorter. but still embarrassing.

I did some horrible shit during those years, with 100 laxatives a night and throwing up from the chemicals. Spent 1000s on pills and ER trips and ambulance bills. I had chest pains daily, horrific muscle spasms daily, nightly. I passed out in college so many times. I had ketosis where my body fed off itself and would just ache all over and i would just cry. I vomited blood from tears. I developed edema and lanugo which grossed me out. I had enamel erosion and over 20 cavities, root canal, and early signs of periodontitis. Had to get them whitened. Not a picnic!

Much love to you Medusa.

Today is a new day and I will enjoy turkey despite that number on the scale."

(((Brandee)))

Please take a moment to check out Brandee's wonderful blog:

Anti Ana Pro Recovery

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