I am a 23 year old woman with anorexia athletica which, to put it bluntly, means I am a gym junkie. I have suffered with anorexia nervosa with bouts of bulimia for about 6 years. I consider myself lucky that I wasn’t captured by this illness as a young child because living with any kind of eating disorder is complete misery. I have discovered on my journey those that are pro anorexia and others that have little or no understanding of the seriousness of this life-ruining sickness. I have to state that it is not something to be proud of nor is it any way of life as with any kind of obsession it’s incredibly unhealthy and WILL take its toll on your mental and physical health.
I started by purging food and was under the belief that it was okay to do it occasionally. I know now it was just the beginning of a very slippery slope, which has caused a lot of heartache and upset everyone around me.
Throughout the past few years I have been hospitalised 3 times due to the mental and physical toll that anorexia and bulimia has taken on my body. I have had moments of clarity where I have made improvements and started to get well only to fall from a great height into another trap. It can literally take a small comment from someone to having a bad day and I will start to attack myself.
People joke about it and think I should just get a grip but sadly it isn't as easy as that otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I find myself. I often find myself just wanting to go that little bit further and feel compelled to stay in the gym. If I leave earlier than anticipated or god forbid take a rest day I feel insanely guilty, distressed and angry with myself which then leads me to turn to other eating-disorder behaviors. It’s a vicious cycle and I have no idea how I will escape.