MANDY'S STORY: "AT THE END OF THIS ROAD, I MIGHT CATCH A GLIMPSE OF ME"

Mandy's story...

"As I type this, my roommate is eating what appears to be a really delicious slice of pizza. I’ve just finished painting my nails – a compulsive habit I tend to engage in while avoiding food. While I was painting my nails, I was getting more and more angry. Why, WHY, couldn’t I enjoy a piece of pizza? At what point did things change so drastically that I can’t eat one piece of pizza without throwing it up? What has happened to me? These are a few of the many questions that have popped up over the past 18 months.

Shape magazine has a “Success Stories” section. I always wanted to be one of those stories. I would scour the Shape website looking for more and more success stories. After all, if they could do it – so could I!! Now my story would read more as a warning, rather than a success.

Teenage years – on and off disordered eating. Nothing, in my mind, neither dramatic nor serious. I did end up in the ER with a Mallory-Weiss Tear when I was 19. I maintained an average weight and was really active in high school. Then I went to college, gained a lot of weight and never lost it.

Three years and one messy breakup after I graduated college, I’m at my heaviest weight ever. I am 5’4” and weighed 235 lbs. I bought a house on my own and decided something had to change. I would eat 1,000 calories per day and I’d start exercising. Nothing specific triggered this. I had owned my house for about two months and was on my own for the first time in my life. I could control every single thing that entered my home. No junk food around means no mindless eating, etc. So, I started my “diet.”

I lost 25 lbs in four weeks. The next month, I lost 20 lbs. After that, my caloric limit dwindled slowly. It started at 1,000, and then went to 800, then to 600, then to 300. Eventually I started fasting. By November I had lost 75 lbs. People started worrying and I was sent to a therapist. My therapist was an idiot. I was diagnosed as bulimic, and was giving me a treatment plan as such. At this point, I was fasting for three or so days, eating a bowl of cereal, and purging it. His brilliant solution was for me to “eat more”. Hell no. I quit treatment in February and had lost 20 more lbs.

I bounced along, calling in sick to work all the time because I felt like I was going to die. While seeing my therapist, I figured “if I’m going to be treated as a bulimic, I might as well F**KING EAT!” I started binging and purging 4-6 times per day for weeks, then starving myself in between. I lost more weight, although it slowed down.

Enter the side effects. Constant bruising, dry skin, lanugo on my face, exhausted, purging involuntarily, soul-crushing depression, anxiety, constantly dizzy, passing out in the shower (scary when you live alone) and the overwhelming self-hatred that eating disorders require to thrive.

I snapped in October. I had “binged” (3 oz steak and 2 cookies), purged and snapped. The next thing I knew, two hours had passed and I had thoroughly cut the hell out of my arms and legs. I don’t think I was trying to kill myself, but I also don’t think I would have cared if I died.

After the dust settled, I had moved back in with my parents and weighed about 125 lbs. I stayed there for three weeks. I got a psychiatrist and a new therapist (both of whom are wonderful). That was almost three months ago.

Me today: I take 60 mg of Prozac per day. My weight is about 114. That being said, my set weight is 130, so according to my doctors, I’m about 15 lbs underweight. According to my friends and family, I look “sick.”

Treatment is alright. I’m making good progress in therapy, but am still engaging in eating disordered behavior. I’m purging less, although still 4-5 times per week. I stopped abusing laxatives, which is great for me. I’ve stopped over-exercising, and am eating twice per day, every day.

This is the rub: I weighed myself a few days ago and discovered I’ve gained 4 lbs in the past three months. Consequently, I’m fasting for the next three days. Why is it, after everything that has happened over the past year and a half that it is my first reaction? I logically know this isn’t what I should be doing, but I am not willing to change my behavior.

Now that all of that has been said – I’m still going to fight. I will pick the pieces up after this set back is over, and I will fight. I cannot live like this forever. It’s either get better or die. I don’t necessarily want to live, but I owe it to myself and my family to try as hard as I can.

Keep fighting.

Mandy"

(((Mandy)))

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FROM BULIMIA TO RECOVERY: ALEXIS'S JOURNEY...

Alexis, a day before inpatient, January 2008

"Hey Medusa, I've been following your blogs for quite some time now through my ups and downs with my eating disorder and now I feel like I am in the right mentality to send you in my story.

My name is Alexis and I'm 16 years old. Everything began in year 5 when I was being teased about my weight. I wasn't eating unhealthily, it was just puppy fat. I mean come on, not everyone grew up rake thin.

So I got to year 7 when I first hopped onto the bus to school, and lo and behold all of the older guys were sitting on the back seat, and here I am this little chubster on her first day hearing the whispers from the back at how fat I was...

That was when it really hit me. I began to throw up after meals, satisfied with myself for a few weeks where I would stop, and then the cycle would begin again.

This went on until year 8 (14 yrs old) even when I had lost all of the puppy fat and was at a healthy average weight, but from all the years of teasing and self-loathing I couldn't see what everyone else could. It was Easter afternoon after eating my fair share of chocolate when I decided I was going to change, but this time for good.

I would vomit, exercise, and make my intake increasingly smaller. At the time I had been playing soccer for 7 years and was just accepted into a rep team, which meant two 2-hour training sessions a week with a game on the weekend, which at the time it didn't occur to me my torture to my body would eventually take its toll.

There hadn't been a day for a year after Easter that I didn't stick my fingers down my throat.

I began to get acid reflux, dizzy spells, and all along with that compliments on how beautiful and amazing I now looked!

You see, my mum and I have an amazingly close relationship, but at the time she didn't know any different. She put the weight loss down to all of the exercise I had been doing with soccer. A few weeks later and my mum said for me not to lose any more weight and that I looked great as I was.

Unfortunately all of these comments off everyone just pushed me further and further. 6 months after Easter I broke down, I hated myself, and everyone else for some reason and it had been so long since I'd been the outgoing girl everyone once knew me as. I ended up telling my mum, and that week we went to go see someone.

Too bad that the psychologist didn't specialise in eating disorders, as with the visits, my weight got steadily worse because she didn't weigh me, and my eating disorder decided to cover everything up even more.

I was lying to my family, my friends and most importantly myself. "Just one more kg, one more sit-up, no more eating" It's all lies! You're never going to be happy with yourself when you have an eating disorder!

So this went on for a while and then my mum took me to another psychologist, this time specialising in eating disorders. She was great, but my ED didn't want ANY help whatsoever. No matter how hard I fought to implement the things she was teaching me, I couldn't let myself.

All of a sudden she began talking about hospital, you see; she used to weigh me. "One more kilogram and I'm booking you an appointment with the paediatrics doctor at Westmead".

Slowly I fell into a cycle of binging and purging, to the point where my eating disorder would wake me up at 4 am to drag me into the kitchen only to feed myself like a robot and then bring it all back out again.

I had to get out of the cycle, so I told my psychologist. She suggested putting locks on the cupboards but even that didn't stop me. I'd find the keys when no one was home, or I'd shovel food in my face at a party then come home and... you get the point, it was HORRIBLE. It was literally dragging me away from my friends. I couldn't go out? Why? BECAUSE I HAD TO BINGE. Oh wow, heaps fun.. Not.

It got to the stage where I was begging to go to hospital, just in the hope that I would get relief from this stupid thing inside my head. So we booked the meeting with one of the doctors, and even though I wasn't unstable, the next day I was in the car on the way to the hospital.

I step into the ward and the first thing one of the girls asks me is how much I weigh. I told her and she just laughed at me, which was really great as well, kind of just implementing how fat I thought I was.

Looking back I think of how screwed her head was... I was 46 kg at the point and had come from 60 kg. Hospital is just a big competition filled with eating disordered girls. If you didn't have an NG tube, lose weight on your gatepass, eat slow enough, exercise in privacy, use laxatives/purge they'd look at you as though you were fat.

I was in the hospital for a month and got back up to 50 kg but when I got home things worsened and I was now on weekly weigh-ins at the hospital, and my head was throttling me. I plummeted over the next two months with the pressure of summer and looking skinny for my birthday.

I weighed in a week before New Year's at 43 kg, because I'd gotten sick of water-loading and wearing weights equivalent to 5 kg under my clothes. But even with my silent cry of help, the doctor let me stay out in hope that I'd help myself, which of course was reallllly smart of him.

It got to the stage where I refused anything on offer to me. In my head I wanted to be as skinny as possible for hospital because I knew that was where I was going. A few blackouts later and I was in emergency a week after my appointment, at the Children's Hospital, sitting under a heater with nurses trying to get my temperature above 34 degrees.

I was admitted with an NG tube at 40 kg and all I did was cry. My parents cried and the tears wouldn't stop coming.

I missed out on summer, a whole summer spent inside the hospital while my friends were at the beach with 40-degree heat. I missed out on parties, Australia day, my best friend's birthday, school photos and the beginning of year 10.

Alexis, December 2009

Three months later I was discharged at 51 kg, the minimum healthy weight for my height, and determined to make the most of my life. Those three months were a constant struggle, but my family supported me and I tried as hard as I ever could.

Recovery isn't about going brilliantly all the way through, it's about going high up, and then tripping and stumbling but having the will to be honest with everyone and get back up on your feet and start climbing.

It's now December, nearly a whole year later, and the only reason I cry now is because I regret wasting so much time. Of course my eating disorder is still on my back, whispering in my ear, and I've just pulled myself out of 2 short-lived relapses which I couldn't let continue any longer.

I'm currently sitting here typing this at 55 kg, the highest I've been since after the beginning of all of this, and guess what... I'm happy and I love myself! Each day is still a fight, but it really does get easier :).

Medusa, thank-you for taking the time to read my story, and if you could please share the message that you CAN and WILL recover if you put your mind to it. It's not anyone else's decision, it's yours and even if you have the greatest support in the world, none of it will matter unless you want to recover and live a life free from eating disordered thinking.

Thank you again :).

Alexis,
xxxx"

Alexis, I am so happy for you. What a journey you had to recovery. You are so beautiful, and looking so healthy in your "after" picture.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Alexis. You are such an inspiration to those who are struggling. You have given them something precious: Hope.

~ Medusa
xoxoxo

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THE MORNING FROM HELL...

I'm a little delayed in blogging today and the above photo explains why.

Loaded the kids and their friends in the car this morning to take them to their favorite restaurant for breakfast.

I'm now dealing with a trunk full of puppies and kids gone wild from all those espresso shots.

Once things calm down around here, I'll be posting an update on JANE DOE & HEIDI DIAZ... and it's not pretty.

PS Anyone want a puppy?

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PRO-ANA / PRO-MIA: LA DANSE MACABRE

"Ana's Last Night"

Lying here hungry ...
My whole body in pain ...
Should probably eat something ...
But I feel too ashamed ...

Starting to shiver now ...
Beginning to shake ...
God how I love this ...
How my body just aches ...

Got up for some cold water ...
Then to take a cold shower ...
Remind myself that soon ...
I'll be a delicate flower ...

Did 3 hours exercise ...
But I must do some more ...
Still got one pound to loose ...
Like the pound I lost before ...

Whoa, got a dizzy head rush ...
Colors dancing all around me ...
Like little tiny faerie angels ...
Wanting to set me free ...

Oh wow, I'm floating with them ...
Going high up in the sky ...
I finally made it! ...
To the thinness that is I ..."

~~~~~~~~~~

What is PRO-ANA?

"Pro-ana refers to the promotion or support of anorexia nervosa as a lifestyle choice rather than an eating disorder. It is often referred to simply as "ana" and is sometimes affectionately personified by anorexics as a girl named Ana." (from Wikipedia)

What is PRO-MIA?

"Pro-mia is the belief that bulimia nervosa is a lifestyle choice rather than an illness."

This belief, along with pro-ana, has been criticised for creating an environment in which those suffering from eating disorders might not seek treatment. Pro-mia supporters respond that they do not recognise bulimia nervosa as a disorder worthy of treatment but much like any social activity which, taken to extremes, can cause physical and psychological harm. They argue that although some of the pro-bulimia/anorexia sites promote the conditions in a positive way, the majority of them are a place where individuals can cope or share their pain with one another. "(from Wikipedia)

~~~~~~~~~~

"Thin Commandments **

If you aren't thin, you aren't attractive

Being thin is more important than being healthy

You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself thinner

Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty

Thou shall not eat fattening foods without punishing oneself afterwards

Thou shall count cals and restrict intake accordingly

What the scales say is the most important thing

losing weight is good, gaining weight is bad

You can never be too thin

Being thin and not eating are true signs of willpower and success"

~~~~~~~~~~

THE PRO-ANA/PRO-MIA LINK TO KIMKINS

The starvation experienced by persons with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa can cause damage to vital organs such as the heart and brain. Pulse rate and blood pressure drop, and people often experience irregular heart rhythms or heart failure. Nutritional deprivation causes calcium loss from bones, which can become brittle and prone to breakage.

In the worst-case scenario, people with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa starve themselves to death. These conditions kill up to six percent of their victims.

Many people who followed the Kimkins starvation diet developed serious eating disorders, ultimately becoming pro-ana and/or pro-mia.

Two of the most prominent people who suffered disordered eating as a result of the Kimkins diet are Christin Sherburne and Deni Huttula, the two women featured in Woman's World magazine when that "magazine" (term used loosely) did a cover story on the deadly Kimkins Diet.

Since the publication of the magazine, both Deni and Christin have left Kimkins and reported the following potentially deadly effects they suffered, and continue to suffer, as a result of following the Kimkins diet:

From Deni:

"Kimmer's words in response to questions about people who think Kimkins is proana:

'Low Calories/Pro Ana We are low calorie after ketosis kicks in or with the shake option, but those calories are identical to post-WLS patients (500 cal a day for months), original Optifast and Medifast (450-700 cal a day for months). I don't think we can fight the '1200 calorie a day mentality'. Some people cannot understand that your body takes the calories it needs from body fat if the calories you eat are too low to sustain current weight. If you need 2500 calories (250 lb person) and eat 500 (number picked for easy math), the other 2000 are taken from body fat. In Jimmy's interview I meant what I said about take a Weight Watcher or Jenny Craig meal and remove the starches. What's left? Kimkins. There is no health advantage to adding carbs or extra fat, so why is removing them (and having less calories)
dangerous? 1200 calories a day is an arbitrary number (like 8 glasses of water). Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Do we have people with ED on Kimkins? Of course. I weighed 318 pounds and you don't get that big without an improper relationship with food so I have an ED. But low calories aren't an ED, otherwise all of the WLS patients would be medically classified anorexic.' (bolding mine)

"I have seen Kimmer on NUMEROUS occasions tell people to eat less, even when they were eating less than 800 calories a day. She personally recommended to me when I started to stick to ranges between 600 and 800, and to drop to closer to 500 if I stalled. This is what Kimkins is... there is no way you can possibly stick to the "rules" of the plan and end up with more than 800 calories on a regular basis."

~ and ~

"Here's my side effects:

1. extra periods (told this was normal)

2. loss of hair ... loss of about 60% of my thickness if not more. (told it was normal, and even looked it up online for myself! Saw that it said it was common in people who were dieting and skimmed over the part that said "fad diets" or nutritionally deficient diets.)

3. Lightheaded dizzy spells- never mentioned these to anyone .. they were not an everyday occurrence, and I had them sometimes prior to this diet so I easily ignored them.

4. Weird blurred vision- like my eyes would dilate at different degrees... things would get fuzzy and look far away and warped.. I would then readjust my own "focus" and a few minutes later it was back to normal. Again.. I didn't mention it.. figured it was a fluke.. it only happened a few times.

5. heart flutters- never mentioned these to anyone either. Even when they happened, I dismissed them in my mind as quickly as I could. (these are still happening randomly)

Other strange things I noticed:

6. Peanut butter CRAVINGS... like really super cravings... and I knew I wasn't the only one having this. I read post after post after post about people who were feeling guilty for giving into peanut butter or any kind of nuts. So, I wrote this off as "normal"

7. Milkshake CRAVINGS... again.. these cravings were much stronger than any craving I'd ever had before dieting. I heard lots of other people also talk about craving milkshakes, including my mom who also did the diet.

both of these "cravings" were something that I, along with many others, chalked up to a strange coincidence, and I either ignored it.. or caved in a little and then felt extremely guilty about it.
Now, I'm really wondering if there is something in the peanut butter(nuts) and milk shakes that our bodies were SCREAMING for!!! Like maybe more fat? Calcium?

I often typed in "listen to your body" over and over again in posts.. and it wasn't until late August that I started to realize that even cravings were a way that our body tells us what it needs.

Anyway... I still don't know if there's anything wrong with me or not.. my doctor has ordered lots of tests to see where I'm "depleted" of certain things, and warned me strongly that while being extremely overweight isn't good for your health, or for you heart... that sometimes losing it all super fast and not getting all the nutrients necessary for bodily functions.. is an even quicker route to heart disease.

So, now I'm wondering.. where inside Kimkins does it list "possible side effects"? Where is the "warning label", the "if these symptoms arise, get it checked out announcement" ?
With EVERY weight loss pill or plan that I've ever been on, there has been a warning list.. and a "common side effects" or even "in extreme cases side effects" list.. that I always read. I know myself.. and I just about always choose NOT to take medicines that have side effects that concern me. If I had been warned about these things, I don't think I would have joined. If I had been warned about the possibility of these things, I certainly would not have convinced others to join!

The sad part really is, is that I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one with these symptoms until I started reading OFFSITE.I hated reading those "other forums" because they made everything sound so bad. They made me feel bad, and they exaggerated things so much. But, the symptoms they mentioned sounded vaguely familiar to me. They knotted up my stomach, and made me want to either fight or run away and pretend I never heard what they said.
I saw some try to fight them....

and I resorted to my usual, curl up and ignore it technique for awhile.

If I did mention my worries to others inside Kimkins I only got pats on the back and reassurances that of course everything would be fine, and "that's normal, don't worry!"

And NOW.. it's even worse.. if you even ask about a negative effect, you're likely to be "accused" of stirring up the pot, or if you point out your negative side effects, you're likely to get banned. :(
How is that safe for other members??? Shouldn't everyone be made aware of symptoms to be on the look out for? I'm sure there are lots more negative effects that I didn't have... and from the stories I've heard elsewhere.. I can only count myself lucky.

This is not a joking matter, this is not time for a "band-aid" announcement that "of course, you should always check with your doctor". Or even comments to make those of us who "ignored symptoms" appear stupid or crazy or "extreme". This is time to get real and time to take your health seriously.

How many of you truly talked to your doctors about your plan?

Did you show him the food list?

Did you mention that you really only eat a few items on that list?

Did you show him your fitday?

Did you write symptoms off as normal because you heard someone else had the same thing?

I said that one of the reasons why I wanted to lose weight was because I wanted to be here long enough to see my kids and future grand kids grow up.

Now, it's possible that losing weight has lowered the chances of that actually happening.

I remember when we often joked about how Kimkins didn't need that little small print disclaimer of "results not typical" on our success stories.

Perhaps she does need to put up a disclaimer that "results ARE typical" on the side effects listing!!!

If you're still doing Kimkins, as written or not... please stop for awhile and really take a look at your own symptoms. Don't glorify your "pros" list and minimize your "cons" list.

You can get those "pros" with lots of safe plans, and eliminate the cons. Just think about it. And don't ignore the promptings of your heart right now." (all bolding mine)

~~~~~~~~~~

From Christin:

"The diet program is unsafe and can cause severe damage beginning with slow, unrecognized starvation and malnutrition.

Through the next few months, the dangers of this program became increasingly evident as more members began complaining of the same symptoms and side effects. Slow and steady starvation methods utilizing a caloric intake of significantly less than 1000 calories a day was the norm. The daily intake of less calories and less fat was not only encouraged, but praised as new members began to feel “snatty” (Slightly Nauseous All The Time), lightheaded, and generally weakened. Tips for controlling hunger varied but all were primarily synonymous with little to no caloric intake. All for the sake of losing weight fast. But at what cost to the individual’s physical and psychological condition?

Disguised eating disorders emerged; serious malnutrition indicators like hair loss, heart palpitations, electrolyte and potassium deficiencies were commonly reported. I did not learn of the potentially deadly side effects of my eating habits till after I completed the program. I had shrugged the symptoms that I had off as “typical” or short term.

Bottom line, starvation works to take off pounds – here, just like in Ethiopia or Dachau. The difference is that in those sad places, the people knew they were starving. Kimkins moderators are merely overweight peers with eating disorders of their own (speaking from personal experience), completely unqualified to assess what constitutes nutritional dangers.

Do not let the tantalizing beauty of rapid weight loss hinder the ultimate goal of a better life and good health.

There are many effective and safe weight loss programs out there today. Diet responsibly; do your research; always remember to speak with your physician regarding your plans. Do not desperately trade obesity for broken health."

~~~~~~~~~~

Ana Psalm **

Strict is my diet.
I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids,
My day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.


Ana Creed **

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.

I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.

I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.


Ana Prayer **

Forgive me Ana for I have sinned. It has been 30 seconds since my last confession.
I am weak, fat, and not worthy of such support.
I am ready to fall. I pray, please make me thin, tiny, non-existent.
Take me away from food, block it out.
I pray please for your guidance, for your firm voice to ring out in my head.
Yell at me please. Scream!
Keep me alone and away from the cupboards.
Help me to stay strong.
Be with me always and I will not forsake you.
Guard me from eating, committing sin against you.
I should rather than suffer than sin for there is strength in suffering.
Ana, I love you, please make me thin.

~~~~~~~~~~

Please, if you recognize pro-ana, pro-mia, or any other disordered-eating behaviour in any of your friends or loved ones, please notify their family immediately. It could mean the difference between life and death.

LINKS:

CHRISTIN:

Christin: The Journey

DENI:

Deni: Open Bench

*POEM:

http://www.proanamia.com/welcome.html

**FOOD PYRAMID/CREED, ETC:
http://www.freewebs.com/mackenziej/alloutana.htm

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