Saturday, July 10, 2010

MORGAN'S STORY: "MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE NEVER BEEN 'BLACK ENOUGH' OR 'GOOD ENOUGH...'"

Morgan


“Hi Medusa,

I came across your site and just wanted to share my story with you.

I've been a big girl for as long as I can remember. At my highest weight I was 230 lbs. Looking back on it now, I think I've always had an eating disorder. I remember spending all my free time substituting friendship with food. I was a major binge eater.

I grew up in a complicated situation, my father being of a middle class background, and my mother of the working class. My parents were never married and I lived with my mother. My father exposed me to many different things like Broadway plays, trips to Europe, etc. I've always been torn between two worlds.

I'm a 19 year old African American girl and my whole life I've never been "black enough" or "good enough" to meet anyone's expectations. I didn't have any friends in my neighborhood because I was always accused of "being too white". I also didn't fit in with anyone in my school (being 1 of 2 black children there) because I did not meet their stereotypes.

As I previously stated, I was also a large child. When I went off to college one of my friends there suggested I diet and exercise with her. She also told me about how she went on pro-ana websites and got tips from those girls on how to lose weight fast. I started doing the same thing, and soon found myself being drawn into their world. I found that they could care less about race or background, as long as I could empathize with their struggle to lose weight. As long as I was thin enough. I managed to get down to 103lbs in a little less then a year just by restricting and over-exercising.

Things got worst when I switched campuses and moved in with my best friend who was battling depression at the time. My eating disorder shifted gears. I began binging and purging to compensate for my restriction and my anger at my friend's "control" when her depression took such a toll on her that she slept most of the time and did not bother to eat. She went from a size 12 to a size 8. I went from a size 6 to a size 00.

I was made to go see a psychiatrist, my mother unable to deal with my "white girl issues." My therapist advised I go into treatment, and I began day treatment at the Renfrew Center. My weight went up to 142lbs while I was there. I became so depressed by it that I became suicidal. I began cutting again, something I had not done since I was 13. I attempted suicide 3 times while I was there. Things got so bad that finally they forced me to go into the psych ward and I was made to stay 6 days. During that time I dropped back down to 130lbs, as I would not eat. I was told that I could not go back to the center unless I agreed to do residential treatment. I refused. A week later my mother gave me the ultimatum of either going into residential treatment or being kicked out of the house. I chose to go.

Next week I will begin my stay at residential. I am nervous and afraid. I am no where near underweight. I'm now 132 lbs, my weight having bounced around since I left. I know that a lot of the girls there are very much into their eating disorders, and I worry that I'll come out worse than when I went in. I'm still ambivalent about recovery. Having only gained any semblance of friendship and admiration when I hit my lowest weight to date (via my followers on blogger) I find it hard to even think about recovery. But I suppose that I'm willing to give it a try.

Anyway, that is my story. Thanks for listening.”

Follow on Buzz

3 comments:

jadedchalice said...

you can have all that same support and love from those who want to see you recovery....but most importantly its about you seeing yourself for who you truly are, and who you truly are is not your weight, your race, your status online....but your heart, your soul, and your mind. A girl who is sensitive is a girl who is compassionate, and you seek to be treated with compassion and to know that others value you as a friend...

I have learned in this life from being tormented in school by all of the kids screaming that i had aids and not to touch me and that i was disgusting and beating me up for no reason whatsoever, that the only way to have others perceive you as you would like for them to is to first see yourself for who you truly are, and to have true confidence. True confidence comes from within, it is a matter of realizing that the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself and that other peoples opinions of you are irrelivent on the whole. If you feel beautiful and know in your heart you are incredible and wonderful and fun and attractive etc, the rest of the world will respond in like.

Here is a quote that I believe to be SOOOOO true


YOU TREAT PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.

hope this helps

Much love sweets I would love to see you heal, heart mind and soul.

Rachel said...

Morgan, you're such a beautiful girl. You truly deserve happiness. I too am recovering from an eating disorder (anorexia); It's a long, hard battle but one that can be won. I was in hospital for 4 months earlier this year. I've seen several people FULLY recover from their eating disorders, some from the brink of death.

I wish you all the best as you enter residential treatment. Make the most of it hun, REALLY try to recover. What I've learned through my eating disorder (and believe me I've tried all sorts over the last 12 years!); is you have to throw yourself 100% into recovery, commit 100%...you have to to the opposite of what your eating disordered mind tells you to do...if you give 'ed' a little bit, it will take a mile...The voice in your head will initially get louder, but then it will start to quieten (trust me).

Here's a link to a support letter which has really helped me...on page 17 is 'my story!':

http://www.youarenotalonebook.com/supportletter/Supportletter-June-2010.pdf

Take care of yourself. Remember, "no-one can make you feel inferior unless you give them the permission to do so." ;-) xxx

Nvrquit said...

This story is almost exactly the same as mine. I was neither "black enough" or "white enough" for anyone. When my mom saw that I was losing weight or restricting food or counting calories, she told me that only "white girls did that" and to "stop acting white". I hated it when she said stuff like that which only made me more depressed and restricting. I can relate to you in so many ways and knowing that there is someone who went through the same thing as I did makes me feel like I'm not just making up these feelings, there real. Thank you so much for sharing your story.