I came across your site and just wanted to share my story with you.
I've been a big girl for as long as I can remember. At my highest weight I was 230 lbs. Looking back on it now, I think I've always had an eating disorder. I remember spending all my free time substituting friendship with food. I was a major binge eater.
I grew up in a complicated situation, my father being of a middle class background, and my mother of the working class. My parents were never married and I lived with my mother. My father exposed me to many different things like Broadway plays, trips to Europe, etc. I've always been torn between two worlds.
I'm a 19 year old African American girl and my whole life I've never been "black enough" or "good enough" to meet anyone's expectations. I didn't have any friends in my neighborhood because I was always accused of "being too white". I also didn't fit in with anyone in my school (being 1 of 2 black children there) because I did not meet their stereotypes.
As I previously stated, I was also a large child. When I went off to college one of my friends there suggested I diet and exercise with her. She also told me about how she went on pro-ana websites and got tips from those girls on how to lose weight fast. I started doing the same thing, and soon found myself being drawn into their world. I found that they could care less about race or background, as long as I could empathize with their struggle to lose weight. As long as I was thin enough. I managed to get down to 103lbs in a little less then a year just by restricting and over-exercising.
Things got worst when I switched campuses and moved in with my best friend who was battling depression at the time. My eating disorder shifted gears. I began binging and purging to compensate for my restriction and my anger at my friend's "control" when her depression took such a toll on her that she slept most of the time and did not bother to eat. She went from a size 12 to a size 8. I went from a size 6 to a size 00.
I was made to go see a psychiatrist, my mother unable to deal with my "white girl issues." My therapist advised I go into treatment, and I began day treatment at the Renfrew Center. My weight went up to 142lbs while I was there. I became so depressed by it that I became suicidal. I began cutting again, something I had not done since I was 13. I attempted suicide 3 times while I was there. Things got so bad that finally they forced me to go into the psych ward and I was made to stay 6 days. During that time I dropped back down to 130lbs, as I would not eat. I was told that I could not go back to the center unless I agreed to do residential treatment. I refused. A week later my mother gave me the ultimatum of either going into residential treatment or being kicked out of the house. I chose to go.
Next week I will begin my stay at residential. I am nervous and afraid. I am no where near underweight. I'm now 132 lbs, my weight having bounced around since I left. I know that a lot of the girls there are very much into their eating disorders, and I worry that I'll come out worse than when I went in. I'm still ambivalent about recovery. Having only gained any semblance of friendship and admiration when I hit my lowest weight to date (via my followers on blogger) I find it hard to even think about recovery. But I suppose that I'm willing to give it a try.
Anyway, that is my story. Thanks for listening.”