Tuesday, November 9, 2010


My story is nothing compared to all of the others stories I have read on your blog.

I feel that I’m not even a proper anorexic.

Well, I guess I will start where it all began.

I am 17 years old. I live in Australia. I have a twin sister. I am anorexic.

When I was 12 years old, my 6 foot 8 dad was in a parachuting accident in the army. As he jumped out of the plane, he collided with another man and fell 80 feet to the ground. He landed on his feet and his whole body just crushed. He broke nearly every bone in his body, was in hospital for 7 months straight on his back. It was an accident he should not have survived.

Since then he has been in and out of hospital for physical and mental health. He has post traumatic stress disorder from war, and is very mentally unwell. He has tried to commit suicide several times. Also has left my family for other women a few times too. One time he overdosed and no one knew that he was collapsed in his room at his army base. My friend walked in after he had been missing for hours; he said my dad only just lived. Had he gotten to my dad any later, he would be dead.

My dad was medically discharged from work at the age of 40. I don’t blame him for any of this as mental illness can completely change who you are.

After my dad got sick, I had to play the other parent role. This included cooking, cleaning, helping with home work, and shutting my little sisters off in a room and turning the music up loud so they could not hear my parents fighting and things being thrown around the house.

Then my twin sister developed bulimia when she was 13 years old. Eating disorders at this stage were very new to me. I had no idea why she would do this to herself. Her bulimia did not start as 'I am so fat' thoughts but it was just merely a coping mechanism, to cope with all the stress and traumatic events we had been through. She had no idea why she did it, and was scared.

My dad and twin sister got more and more unwell. I began to fall. I was always so strong, and was always the mature, responsible one. I kept saying to my mum, I need to get out of this house, I can sense that something bad is going to happen. And she was just like stop being stupid, our life is perfect. I kept crying to myself as I knew something bad was coming my way.

The next Christmas I was 14 and mum sent me and my twin sister to go stay with my grandparents in Queensland. While we were in QLD, my twin got very depressed and had self-harmed with cuts all up her arm. Self-harming was all new to me as well. One day my grandma decided to take us shopping. My twin refused to come. While we were out, I got a text from a friend saying hurry before it’s too late, so I got my grandma to drive me back to her house straight away, to walk into my sister with a huge kitchen knife, crying in her room. I was shocked and upset.

When we got home after our trip to QLD mum said to me wow (year 10) everyone kept saying 'oh you’re so skinny', you look so thin. For some reason this made me so happy. That afternoon, I walked up to the mirror in my room and looked in the mirror. I could see all my rib bones, my spine, my collar bone. My legs were tiny and did not touch, my stomach was flat!! I thought wow I am so skinny. I then weighed myself for the first time.

So I continued in constantly checking my body every single day, from every single angle. I loved being told I was skinny. It was music to my ears. So I noticed that I was not eating much at all. Which I eventually got used to. I was playing netball and soccer 4 times a week and going for a run nearly every day. That year went on and I continued to stay quite thin.

Throughout that year, my family problems got worse. My parents separated for the 5th time, and I had witnessed a lot of angry behaviour from my dad, such as throwing objects, yelling and screaming. My dad thankfully would never lay a finger on any of us. My twin sister got worse with her bulimia and was binging and purging a lot.

The following year, I had this dream every night for 2 weeks that I woke up in a psychiatric hospital. It disturbed me so much and made me depressed. I told my mum about it and she said just to ignore it. 2 months later, I got so sick that I could not even get out of bed. I was emaciated, pale, and weak.

My mum called a psychologist in Sydney straight away and I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and the next week I was admitted into an eating disorder unit. This hospital did nothing for me. I was in there for 6 weeks. As soon as I was discharged, I relapsed straight away and lost 6kg in one week. I always was getting dizzy and almost fainting. At this time I had been with my boyfriend for 6 months. He was always so supportive. That year continued with me not eating very much, if anything at all. I always looked in the mirror and just cried as I was so so fat.

That year my sister's bulimia worsened, and she developed an abusive behaviour. This involved her physically hurting my mum or me. I would have to stand between her and my mum so she could stop hurting and hitting/kicking/punching/throwing objects at my mum. At the same time, I also had to put my two younger sisters in a room and turn music up so they could not be exposed to this disturbing behaviour. I ended up with bruises and scratches all the time. We usually had to call the police and ambulance to come and calm her down. It was so upsetting to see my beautiful twin sister so sick, and mentally unwell. She was purging 15 plus times a day. She was so unwell. Yet mum still would not put her in hospital.

I developed self-harming and got extremely depressed. I continued to lose weight and be depressed. I still had my amazing boyfriend to look after me. I have since then been in hospital another 3 times. I feel so fat and disgusting. I am too embarrassed to leave the house. I constantly weigh myself and check my body. We now have an AVO against my dad as he is too sick to be around us. I have not seen him in 2 months. There is so much information I have left out, as my life story is a long one.

I am still anorexic and extremely depressed. I feel I have never succeeded in being a proper anorexic. I am looking at another admission in the next few weeks. I feel so weak and tired, and yesterday I fainted at work. I feel so alone. But I want to get better. I have been with my amazing boyfriend for 21 months. I could not have made it this far without him. He is my everything.

I feel so alone. Your blog has helped me a lot. Helped me not feel so alone.

I hope my story can help.


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Ella said...

I'm from Australia too. If you want to contact me, you can.

jadedchalice said...

my goodness sweetheart, the things you have been through....you are SO strong and amazingly loving and understanding. I hope I can take a page out of your book of compassion and understanding and apply it in my life. I hope you know how much you deserve healing and recovery. We all are struggling, and doing our very best, just know that we are all proud of you for taking this chance and posting your story. Please add me, id love to be your friend :)

Arielle Bair, MSW, LSW said...

You are not alone and you have the strength within you to get through this. You have been dealt many hard blows, but your resilience and inner strength are gifts. Thinking of you and your sister. Keep holding on and keep fighting. You can make it.

Anonymous said...

im sorry your life was a total flop. my mom has been single for 8 years and know she is sufffering from cronic headaces so i have to be he mom of the house for a little while. i have a step dad and he is awsome. my life right now is full of trying to fit in and trying to be cool and that is not working. i am single right now but hoping to be in a relationship soon. im soooooo happy that you have such a supporting boyfriend. i hope you st
op being anorexic and start putting some skin on your body. its okay if some girls have baby fat. thats what makes us girls so cool. i dont like seeing people so skinny and almost see through. gtg see you later.

Anonymous said...

its ok keep bein 2 be thin and nobody cares its ure life rthat kind of problem is not soo serious i mean me i have more probz than u like my neighbors are gossipher ... i cant go out 2 the house and take a jog cause they will laught at me and say theres nothing gonna happened 2 ure figure ure born 2 be fat so stop taking a jog ......fat
---so see guys im the worst have probx than ol of that anorexic thing

Anonymous said...

I'm from aus as well. Sisters in and out of mental hospital. Bulemia depression borderline personality disorder you name she's got it. I am happily skinnier than her by far. I felt like these things only happen in America. Its sad but nice to hear about a fellow Australian going through similar stuf.
I'm diagnosed with OCD major depression disorder severe anxiety etc. my psych is concerned about my eating but it's one thing I refuse to talk about because it's closest to home.
I understand completely when you say it makes you happy when people tell you your skinny, I get the exact same feeling. But you can always find flaws hey.
I'm 161cm and around 53 kilos. BMI is healthy which makes me cry. I constantly do the calculations of what I need I be considered underweight. I haven't weighed myself in over a month because I feel like I may have gained.
Would love to get under 50 kilos.
Self harmer too. Not visible though. Keep it to places no one will see. Winter makes it easy.

Thanks for making me feel not so alone on a day I felt no one was with me m

Elena said...

Hello! I don't know if you will ever read this .. .but I just want to say that I wish you (and your sister/whole family) all the best - do never give up!! Life is beautiful - it is worth to fight for.
And yes, as others already said, you are very strong!
I'm struggeling too (with depression and aniexity - but I'm hopeful to be happy again in life. Sorry for my awful English. Greetings from Italy, Elena

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about all of this. Keep fighting. Someone out there cares for you. I care for you and your sister. Don't give up on yourself for me. I'm all the way across the world but I care for you. I promise you with all my heart and everything I own, I care. I really, really care.

Unknown said...

Check out - 1) a 12 step recovery program like OEA (Over eaters Anonymous) 2)On the Web, go to Youtube and search Kryon, and or the Plieadians. Take Care