Monday, October 11, 2010


"I just want to say that your site means so much to me. I'm in recovery for an eating disorder and there has been many times where I wanted to (or did) fall back into old habit and sometimes just clicking on your site has helped to snap me out of it. It’s nice to know that amid all the pro-ana garbage out there that there’s at least one site that doesn't spew the myth that anorexia and bulimia will make us better people.

Here’s my story…

I had had issues food-wise almost my whole life but it didn't get bad until my sophomore year of college. I started off restricting. I'd put all the food I was allowed to eat into little Ziploc bags. The whole week’s worth probably only added up to 1000 calories.

I started going to the gym everyday for hours. I neglected schoolwork and friends (ugh, how I regret that now). I started the year off at 155, which isn't a bad weight for me since I'm quite tall at 5"8, but I felt like it wasn't good enough and so I pushed my body to lose weight.

I started purging and abusing laxatives. Anything and everything I ate was usually purged up. My friends knew something was up but I wouldn't admit anything, until one night I got drunk and ended up crying about how I had broken my fast.

I woke up the next day hoping they wouldn't remember what I'd said, but they did. They told me that unless I went to a counselor they would tell my family. I was pissed but I went. Unfortunately the counselor I went to was nice but inept at treating an eating disorder. I'd sit in her office and be asked the same questions over and over until I thought I would scream. But it kept my friends happy and so I went every week.

One night after having an emotional breakdown I called my mom and admitted to her what was going on, but the response I received was not at all what I expected. When I told her I had an e.d. she asked how that could be when I wasn't thin? I was devastated and redoubled my efforts to lose the weight I thought I needed to. (now I can see that my mom was just uneducated about what an e.d. looks like).

I ended the year at 127, but I still wasn't happy. I went home for the summer still dedicated to lose as much weight as I could. At the end of the summer I was down to 118 lbs and went back to school hoping for even more weight loss. I was miserable. I had wasted all summer exercising or purging or taking naps because I had no energy.

My grades were suffering too. I had been a 3.5 gpa student and now was at a 2.0. I was realizing that the e.d. was the reason I was miserable. I went back to the counselor and asked her to recommend someone who specialized in e.d.s. Luckily, there was a person near campus who could fit me in. I didn't really think she'd help but I wanted to at least see if it'd be worth my time to go. So I went and really didn't commit to recovery until a couple months in, when I was evaluated at an eating disorder treatment center and told that they wanted to admit me. My insurance wouldn't cover it though so I was left feeling like there was nothing I could do.

But there was. I could actually work with my therapist and TRY. It was such a simple concept and so I told her that I wanted to really try at recovery. It’s been hard, there are so many days where I just want to go back to the way things were, that feeling of numbness that my e.d. gave me, but that didn't solve anything, it just added to my stresses.

I have had days where I do fall back into old habits, but now it’s harder to justify those actions to myself, because I know that I do have a right to a healthy body."

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