Saturday, August 7, 2010

NATASHA'S STORY: "I WAS RAISED THINKING I HAD NO WORTH, NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD."


“Hi medusa,

My name is Natasha and I am 18 years old.

When I think about my life, I’m never really sure when exactly I started hating myself.
I had suicidal thoughts when I was around 9 years old.

I was raised thinking I had no worth, no place in this world.
My stepmother starved me, beat me, and ridiculed me daily.
Despite my father telling me I was beautiful and wonderful, I felt like a true piece of crap.

I ran away at age 11 and was placed in a foster home.
My life only got worse from there.
I was abused there, so had to go to my mom’s house.
My mother was doing cocaine/meth and drinking a lot so parenting me wasn’t her concern.

I was really depressed all the time.
I always felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
Nobody wanted me... nobody could ever love me.

Then at 13 I met Zach....my first boyfriend...
come to find out he also was into drugs...drinking...and abuse.
But he told me he loved me. He gave me attention. He made me feel like I had worth.

Zach ended up changing my life forever, more so than Julie,
In fact, she is a raindrop compared to the storm he brought on.

Zach raped me, almost every day, for the 8 months we were together.
He took my virginity by knocking me out, and continued to do so.
I HATED myself. I blamed my body for his actions. I STILL do.

Now I was 13 when we got together, but while we were still together
I turned 14 and started my period.

Like any normal teenage girl, I had bodily changes afterwards and started getting hips and a new body that I still struggle with today.

So he told me these words that I remember so perfectly to this day, “You look bigger. You’d be so much prettier if your bones were sticking out."

So I took his advice, and starved myself. From that day on, I was NEVER the same. ever. I went from 115 to 91 instantly. And stayed that skinny for a while.

I was cutting everyday, hating my body more and more with every breath I took.
I couldn't handle what I felt, I still can't. He took my femininity, he stole my freedom, he destroyed me.

I continued starving myself, or hardly eating anything at all, over-exercising up until I was about 16-17.

I went into a treatment center for depression because I had tried killing myself.
In that place, I met a girl who was bulimic... well, she was anorexic too,
but she explained how better she felt after puking, how much relief she experienced.
And for me cutting wasn't doing the job anymore, none of it was.
I either had to kill myself, or find something else to forget everything, something else to make me numb.

That very day is when I met my best friend and worst enemy: bulimia.

I have been bulimic for almost a year now.
I went through phases at first where I did it for a little bit, then stopped for a few days even a month one time...but now a days I do it almost everyday, usually all day.

My life is miserable. My life revolves around the next binge, the next puking session...

I HATE my body, but I hate myself more.

Everything I see in the mirror is a disappointment, regret. Its not about being skinny anymore, it’s about forgetting, it’s about dealing. It’s about coming to terms with the pain I feel inside, which I cannot do.

I can't face myself, I can't face the memories... the hurt.
I don't see my life ever changing.
I’d love to be normal, happy, and free again.

I have so many goals and aspirations but my problems hold me back from all of them.
I destroy myself and my body because he destroyed my soul.

If I could go back and change it all and be normal, even chubby, I would.
This isn't worth it.
It never was.

I believe I’ll die doing this and feeling this way.
I’ve lost all hope.

-thanks for listening
xoxo Natasha”

Follow on Buzz

13 comments:

jessica said...

dear Natasha:
i know this is none of my bussines, but i just had to read your stroy, it reminds me of my life, exept for the starving part, my parrents forced me to eat, and then they overfed me, they dint wanted me to have a slim body so they could have someone to call ‘‘pig’’. Look, i know is hard, but you have to get your self out of that hole, before you die, you are valuable and you’ll hate me for saying this, but dont forget anything that happend back there, just use it as a possitive expirience, just now reading your story helped me in a way. A lot of peole like you needed a person with the guts to post this online for the world to see, i just hope you find the happines you are looking for, and i know you’ll have it, there is someone up there looking at your pain.

Anonymous said...

fack. seriously.
not really sure what to say... except I'm hoping veeeery much you find something that's worth living for, cause it is.
I was raped by my first boyfriend, too, and it pretty much had the same effect on me.
I'm 20 now, have one failed suicide attempt that others know of, am still depressed, bulimic and cut from time to time. I'm also into various other forms of self-destruction but I don't wanna "inspire" something here. god I hate my body, my life even though it's actually fantastic, I hate myself. but I still haven't lost hope, cause my best friend is like my soul-mate and she gives me what I need to get through the day. I think you'll find someone like that, too, just don't give up. eventually things are gonna get better, I'm sure. there's only so much karma can ignore.
love and hugs,
polly
addictedtoclouds.wordpres.com

Anonymous said...

Natasha, I truly feel for you. Although I was not abused, I was ignored and lost in a large family. I did not get the love I needed when I was a small and extremely sensitive child. I first tried to commit suicide at age 8, and there have been many, many more attempts since then. I started to develop my eating disorder at age ten, and I have been in and out of treatment since I was eleven. I am fifteen now. I am telling you this in the hopes that you can gain a little hope from knowing that there are people out there who have gone through similar things. You are eighteen, and you should be starting your life; not ending it. I hope nothing more than for you to find a reason to live, and to move past this terrible illness. My email is loveless215@gmail.com and I would love for you to come to me so I can try to help you beat this terrible disease.

Anonymous said...

i don't know you. but i send you so much love. it's so messed up that so many people have been so cruel to you. you never deserved that.

and although i'll probably never meet you, i just want you to know that you are beautiful. you deserve the world. and everyone that has ever denied you happiness is awful.

i send you strength.

natasha said...

To Everyone:

thank you so much for your kind comments,and support.

i'm actually leaving for treatment
in eugene,oregon.
in a week or two.

i'm very nervous and am scared to try new ways to deal with my feelings.

and im afriad that i'll gain alot of weight.. but its a risk im willing to take.

i am only 18.so i feel like i have so much life left to live,
i talked with the ladies who work at the treatment center one day out of desperation, and they talked to me,and gave me some hope for a differnt future.

rather than this miserable cursed life ive been living, and thought i would for the rest of my life.

i dont even remember what it feels like to be a happy normal person,

but i can't wait to find out.

thank you so much for the support.
i'll keep everyone updated.

thank you!

i think your all beautiful as well-

xox

stay strong.

:-)

Not Waving But Drowning said...

There really is hope. I realize that concept is difficult to grasp. I struggle with it myself on a daily basis but I must do so. As you read this site, you will realize that others are going through the same struggles and are here to support you. It is so hard at times, I of all people know that. Please try to hang in there and find whatever it takes, be it close friends or a pet, to get you through the day.

Sosic said...

That was really heart breaking to read. I am really glad to hear you are going for treatment, i really wish you the best. You deserve it. I'm also 18, struggling with anorexia and bulimia so i understand how hard THAT part is, Like i said you deserve to live a happy life you shouldn't be the one suffering for your past because you already suffered enough, that stupid boy should be the one suffering right now. I dont know you, but i can already tell you that you are a beautiful, nice, caring girl. and you deserve to LIVE your life.
I really wish you the best, and i hope to hear an update from you saying your doing better :)
Turn that frown upside down. You've been through so much, you are a very strong girl. I know you can get through all of this!

Tiny said...

This is a terrible, sad story! it is very difficult to read. Natasha, I'm glad that your life has gotten better.

jules said...

Dear Natasha,
You are an AMAZING woman who I have been inspired by since reading your story. It is almost as if you have just told my story, minus a few details! I was never in foster-care but I was bruetly raped for 10 straight years by my mothers husband then again by two black men who video taped it. But when I went into treatment for my alcohol and drug abuse and suicidal attempt, I also met my best friend. I already struggled with anorexia, but when I was inpatient it became so powerful that I refused relationships with everyone and anyone. I continue to struggle, every darn day, but... through your story I have been inspired to really try and take control of my life. I feel your pain so very well and fear that I will die of my disease as well, and I am only 21 (not much older than you). Pleaase remember... you ARE beautiful, you DESERVE the world, you ARE worth it, and you WILL recover! All my love is with you, please stay strong! <3

jules said...

Dear Natasha,
You are an AMAZING woman who I have been inspired by since reading your story. It is almost as if you have just told my story, minus a few details! I was never in foster-care but I was bruetly raped for 10 straight years by my mothers husband then again by two black men who video taped it. But when I went into treatment for my alcohol and drug abuse and suicidal attempt, I also met my best friend. I already struggled with anorexia, but when I was inpatient it became so powerful that I refused relationships with everyone and anyone. I continue to struggle, every darn day, but... through your story I have been inspired to really try and take control of my life. I feel your pain so very well and fear that I will die of my disease as well, and I am only 21 (not much older than you). Pleaase remember... you ARE beautiful, you DESERVE the world, you ARE worth it, and you WILL recover! All my love is with you, please stay strong! <3

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know if Medusa will be back? I thought it said mid-september but its october and I'm worried about her. This site helps so many people... If you get this, Medusa, thank you for what you do and I hope you're well & didn't decide to stop doing this amazing blog.

Medusa said...

Anonymous, thanks for your sweet comment.

No worries. I'm now home and getting sorted out (unpacking, laundry, etc.) I will be back blogging this week.

Thanks so much for your concern.

Medusa
xoxo

Anonymous said...

Don't listen to loveles215. . it may be a good person, but I read a news article recently and someone named loveless [and other names because they were found out and changed it] was going to people that were hurt in some way and getting to know them better so by helping them, letting them know they wanted what was best for them. . by telling them to commit suicide. DO NOT. YOU NEED TO LIVE. You have a story to tell, to help others in your position, and still living your nightmares. Live.