I only just found this site tonight but have found so much insight already. These stories are so inspirational to anorexics and I truly understand what they have been through.
I have just recently recovered from an eating disorder myself (never to relapse again as said by my doctors), and have always wanted to change someone’s life with my testimony, so I would be very grateful if you posted this on your site, for I know I have something to give.
My name is Naomi. I am currently 16 years old and my eating disorder didn’t truly start to occur until January 2007. Yeah, I had thoughts of ugliness and being fat before but I never took it on board. It was just a fact about my life.
At the start of year eight I had this journal, barely ever wrote in it but when I did it was about my weight. My first entry at 13 years of age was “...me being so fricking fat...I really want to get down to at least 45kg, and then people might start liking me more. I would have only been 51 at the time but was fairly chubby for my age, just puppy fat, but then there were guys that weighed 10kg less than me and the same age... that really took a toll.
Even though I had this insane hate for myself I didn’t have the willpower to change anything and become skinny. I kept on trying to get skinny, but never could; one time even foretold the future “I’m thinking of not eating too much.”
Well that happened... and so much more that I never would have dreamt of.
At the start of October in 2007 I was 55kg; it was the beginning of term 3 holidays...and the beginning of my worst nightmare... I had decided to eat only healthy foods and start to walk with my mum on an 8km walk. But I wasn’t losing weight so I decided to change everything; I’d start jogging on the spot and ate less straight away.
I couldn’t stand being this fat and I just had to be skinny before going back next term...if I was then people would like me.
I kept on increasing the exercise, doing anything just to lose that extra calorie, the piece of fruit I had just eaten; after I started there was no going back.
My food portions became smaller and soon I was only eating fruit and veg with a tiny amount of cereal in the morning, and the only reason I did this was so I’d have enough energy to do my daily exercise. My 8km walk got cut down to 50min and I would not go out anywhere.
By the end of the holidays I wasn’t skinny enough. It didn’t matter how low I was on the scales, all that mattered now was that I see myself as skinny and look like models you see, but I wasn’t at that, so I decided that by my birthday I would be skinny as them.
At this time I believed there was nothing wrong with me, only that I was fat and ugly. But there was something seriously wrong; I had just started a long painful journey with Ana in my head.
Two days before my 14th birthday I was sent straight to the children’s hospital at Westmead weighing a mere 45kg which I had lost 10kg in just 6 weeks. On admission I had to be warmed up since I was way below the right temperature had a nasal gastric tube shoved down my nose and an ECG where my upper body was stark naked...I’m definite this wasn’t on my mind when I stopped eating.
The rest of my story was basically the same, I shut down in my first admission, and when released after spending Christmas and New Years at the hospital I went extremely well, but the fight wasn’t over yet...far from it.
I was readmitted after refusing food for 3 days straight and just kept on being chucked back in to this place that I believed was a hell hole. This time when I came in it was a competition to be the worst, lose weight on gate passes, eat slowly, exercise in private...anything to prove that you were still ‘sick’ was the thing to do.
For my next five admissions which occurred over a year, the longest being 13 weeks was all just one big blur, but I was definitely not getting better. I was falling deeper into this hole, and could not find my way out.
Everything that could go wrong did. I started to harm myself, I was put in the psych ward, tried to run away a few times, was sedated about two times, had major suicidal thoughts... and actually would have killed myself one night, but could not find a sharp object to do so, and then it was too late to try. And this wasn’t really to do with the eating disorder, I was hiding food, purging, hiding my medication, which I was now on anti-depressants, and every time I was ‘released’ I just starved myself and came back in with a tube up my nose...extreme fun!
After so many years with this dreadful illness I knew there had to be some break, but everyone had no idea how to get me out of this, they tried every way possible and it was up to my willpower now.
I am still amazed at my recovery, same as everyone else is still now. For a week before the major change I was currently in care by parent and I knew I had to get better, at least try and do something... so one night after crying my eyes out I went with my parents and had a creamy pasta dish, something that was forbidden in Ana’s eyes... I was discharged for the last time on July 10 2009.
I had missed out on three years of my life, restricting what I ate, missing the whole of year ten and not having any fun with my friends like any teenager should be able to do without stress. Even now I still miss out on things, like remembering the times of year 10 as well as getting dux which was my dream, not able to wear a bikini because of my scars and still controlling my emotions.
I’m not saying that the road to recovery is going to be easy, it definitely wasn’t for me. Sometimes you start to pull yourself up only to fall back into that deep hole, but you just have to keep on bringing yourself back up and BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS!!!! Because you CAN and WILL if you just have some faith in yourself.
I am currently sitting here typing this at 58 kilos and 175cm, the highest I have ever been in my life. It is one year after my discharge and I am feeling great and loving life and most importantly myself. Of course I still have thoughts and just yesterday I was going to harm myself again, but I am so much stronger now that I can resist those thoughts. There are still areas to improve on but it definitely gets easier each day.
Thank you 2medusa for taking the time for reading my story and I really hope that you will post this for I am even more inspired to get 100% better by just typing this. I want everyone to know that you make the decision to get through this ugly illness and you only and trust me it is so much better living on the other side.
Thank you so much Medusa