MRIANA'S STORY: "I TOOK CONTROL OF MY LIFE, REFUSING TO LET ANYONE ELSE DO IT FOR ME."

I was diagnosed with Anorexia when I was 11 years. I would not eat and was 4' 8", weighing in at 40 lbs. When I was 15 or 16 years old I had a brief stint with ipecac, even though I never had the massive binges of a Bulimic, but the ipecac almost killed me because that stuff is actually a poison. I would eat half a quart of ice cream and panic, but I could not force myself to puke without something like ipecac. I also did the laxatives for years longer. At 20 I nearly killed myself with an overdose of diet pills. I took them so I would not eat. I spent years weighing myself several times a day, with no remission in symptoms or anorexic behaviours.

At 23, I was 4' 11" 90 lbs, married, and pregnant. BTW, my mother was 4' 11" too by the time she was grown, but has since shrunk and my father was 5' 3". So I didn't stunt my growth. I come from a short family. I'm also proud to say my son was born very healthy, made 9s on the Apgar. Both my sons did, even though there were times as they got older that my thinness scared them. I just would not eat more often than not, but I was off the diet pills, laxatives, etc. After my second time of almost dying, I just went with not eating, living on cappuccinos and alike.

Anyway, yes, I was sexually abused by my father, came from a controlling family background, bad marriage as an adult, divorce, etc etc. I also have the Dx of depression and PTSD. The usual stuff, but I've had a lot of therapy and changed a lot of things in my life, esp. after my first divorce. I took control of my life without relying on any crutches (like counting calories, weighing) or anything else. I put the numbers aside, basically taking everything I was taught in therapy and alike and putting it into practice. Doing it myself, instead of someone else doing it for me. I also successfully raised two sons by myself, without help from their father. So I had a lot to giving me the drive to live and survive too.

I am now 44 years old and I woke up, maybe three or four years ago (around 40 y.o.), one day and realized I had not weighed myself in ages, without panicking due to not knowing. I was tempted, but didn't weigh. I went in for a physical, weighed in at 100 lbs (still 4' 11"), my blood work was normal (something it had not been in years)- cholesterol normal, b.p. low normal, but normal, all the numbers were in normal range. My doctor said, "You look good. How are you doing it?" I just am. I really don't know how I did it, but it wasn't Holy Unction, prayer, divine intervention or anything like that. I did it myself.

I took control of my life, refusing to let anyone else do it for me. I have control over everything concerning my body and life, including what I eat or not eat. I eat chocolate. I still carry the Dx of depression and PTSD, but my eating disorder isn't as much of a concern to my physician. I still have moments where I look in the mirror and feel like I look fat, sometimes I even "feel fat", but it isn't a constant thing and I have control- not the eating disorder, the depression, or even another human. I eat almost everything except meat (lifelong [lactose] vegetarian). I drink milk, eat cheese, yogurt, nuts, beans, rice, the typical vegetarian diet, with sweets occasionally. I eat like a normal human being.

I'll be 45 y.o. in May with two grown sons and no, the pictures on your website did not trigger anything in me, except sadness and empathy for these women. They don't have to die though. They can live normal, fulfilling lives, but they have to work at getting better. It doesn't happen overnight, there are some ups and downs, but I really believe the key is taking control of your own life, every aspect of it, thinking for yourself, and making choices for yourself. Of course, the first step is overcoming the fear of food and getting fat, but it can be done. For the last few years, I've been between 95 and 105 lbs at every dr.'s visit.

So people can recover from Anorexia. It is possible, but I think it also depends on the type of eating disorder they have. I think mine was related to the depression, PTSD, etc and actually not the typical eating disorder. Once my depression was alleviated and the PTSD well on its way to being treated, I think my eating disorder naturally followed. However, it doesn't matter how long one has suffered with it, I truly believe once they gain the desire to overcome it and take charge, they can do it, but they have to get serious about therapy, medication, if necessary, treatment, and putting it into practice.

Anyway, that's my story, albeit condensed, and I want to thank you for making a website that shows the horrors, even deadly horrors of eating disorders. I only hope it helps someone and not causes more problems.

Mriana 

Link to photo:  
http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/eating-disorder-specialist-new-dawn.html 

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EMMA'S STORY: "ALL I EVER WANTED WAS LOVE."

Me now.

At three still innocent and not tainted.

My name is Emma. I'm 30 years old from Christchurch, New Zealand. 

I have had anorexia, bulimia and serious self harm since I was 11 years old 19 horrible years. 

I can never remember ever being happy. I grew up with a very abusive father and an extremely sick mother in and out of hospital. I also have an older brother who was a bully and treated me like a slave. 

With my mum being so sick I had to run the household from a young age.  Also, my father had very high expectations of me to succeed in everything:  school, music and sport.  I would get up at 5am and not stop until bed at 9.30.

I developed very early, being flung into puberty age 9. Primary school was good.  I was popular, extremely bright.  My teachers loved me. 

But the summer between primary and intermediate something changed. I became the kid everyone picked on, for being bright and ugly, though only 11, I suffered from terrible painful acne and had big breasts and hips. I was sent to the deputy principal for him to teach me alternative subjects.  He sexually abused me for those two years. It was then, at 11, I began cutting. I had no idea what I was doing it just felt good.

Also, I began skipping breakfast and throwing away my lunch.  If I couldn't be pretty I wanted to be skinny (although I was 5'4" and 102lbs) and I hoped I would lose my breasts, which in my mind caused the sexual abuse. I did tell my parents about the abuse but my dad told me to "stop fucking lying, you'll wreck that man’s life." At this age I started viciously hating myself, wrote my parents off.

By 13, my extracurricular activities were: Hockey (4 teams), athletics, cross country, cricket, volleyball, touch rugby, flute, choir, orchestra. So I was doing 5-7 hours of exercise.

By age 14, I was cutting daily.  My anorexia fueled up.  I added 2 hours of running before school; faked breakfast by shaking toast crumbs onto a plate. I gave my lunch to girls in my class. My PE teacher caught on when she found me passed out in the changing rooms.  Soon I was fainting on a regular basis.  I was sent to guidance; they set up a hospital admission for me as my weight dropped to 76lbs and my cutting was no longer secret. But my parents refused consent as they considered themselves perfect and I was not going to ruin their reputation. They said I was anorexic and self harming to make them look bad.

At 16 I agreed to go to the youth section of the psych hospital.  By then I was abusing laxatives and diet pills, and my cuts constantly needed stitching. But once again my parents decided imprisonment at home was a better option. I was tormented and overdosed on sleeping pills and anti depressants had my first of 100s of public- medical hospital admissions.  My heart was affected.

At the same time somehow I was a hockey and athletics rep and A student.

At 17, my last year of high school, I was so depressed, all I could focus on was self harm and my ED which had evolved to bulimia. I would cut class to binge and purge then cut and burn. I had begun to experiment with burning myself with acid. 

At 18, I ran away to another city where I spiraled out of control. I inflicted third-degree burns that needed grafting; took massive overdoses.  The first I woke from a coma in intensive care with a tube down my throat. I was committed to the psych hospital and all year I was either in intensive care or in the psych hospital. I was transferred to a private hospital that specialised in eating disorders and Borderline (diagnosed at 15). I hated it and was there for a year. 

After 2 1/2 years in hospital I was sent home to my parents, seen as a failure soon to die.

Now 21, I fell into a bad crowd and was back to anorexia.  88 lbs, I spent 4 hours at the gym then spent the rest of my time drinking and smoking weed. I was raped three times.  Then one night I was involved in arson. I was sentenced to 2 1/2 years prison. I served 7 months.

Trying to cut this short, since then I have been in and out of the medical and psych hospitals. Anorexia, Bulimia, self harm and suicide is all my mind could contain.  I should have been dead at least 50 times over. Doctors have told me I should be dead, they wish I was dead, and I was a waste of time, space and money.

At 30, sitting here, I am scarred completely, both arms and legs. I've had 24 skin grafts, I have severed many tendons, I have faced amputation 4 times.  I cannot have anymore surgery as my left arm is all scar tissue inside and out; it is weak and doesn’t function well. I have had bone and vessels and muscle cut out of my leg and arm due to being burnt. I have brain damage, as I have had 7 cardiac arrests and 3 respiratory arrests. My heart is damaged; it could stop at anytime. Bulimia has robbed me of my bowel: 3 years ago it stopped working.  The pain was horrific.  They operated; my bowel is black and decayed all due to my 100-a-day laxative addiction. I have capped teeth.

I have been told I'm one of the worst cases of self harm in the world by my British psychologist and American psychiatrist.

My arm after surgery after I’d severed 3 tendons.

My leg after more grafting.

I feel like I have just been regurgitating facts and I'm not baring my emotion.  My life has been wasted.  I started self harming to cope.  I thought I controlled it...I could stop when I wanted to...same with ED, but it's just not true. 

I live an isolated life, I have been banned from hospitals.  They've had enough. I have tried, I really have, but what’s the point when no one cares and no one will ever love me because I'm deformed. 

All I ever wanted was love. I just don't know how to 'get a life.' I don't know how to make friends. I hate justifying my existence.

I should have a job like a normal person, but I’m so tired from all the meds and the depression, the hopelessness. Currently, I weigh 108lbs. I've started restricting and purging again. I wish my parents had just bought a trophy and not conceived me. I was discharged from mental health two months ago deemed ‘incurable’.

A pic of my tattoo of mental health awareness ribbon.

Since I feel I have been relatively emotionless, I have added a couple of my poems from a book I had published this year:

Anorexia

The world

Drains of colour

Black mourning in my eyes

Too many times

I’ve stared death in the eye

So close

I could feel his cold

Stagnant breath on my cheeks

His skeletal fingers

Fingering my lank thinning hair

Ana

Ana, he calls

I’ve come to pick your bones

Clean.

~~~

Self Hatred

Don’t fill me

With false prophecies

I want to lie

Face upturned

Empty

Free of parasitic guilt

Free of self consuming hate

Empty

Nothing to feel

Desolation echoes

Through my body

Reverberating

An unanswered cry

In an empty room

Impartial I lie

Unturned and empty.

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EATING DISORDERS DO NOT DISCRIMINATE: ALISHA'S STORY...

(Click table to enlarge)

"I think race and size should never be in the same sentence."

~ Alisha

Yesterday, I received this e-mail from Alisha* (*not her real name):

"Hi,

This maybe kinda off subject..........

I think your website is a great way to show people the consequences of eating disorders. I have to tell the truth, I found this site on accident. I belong to a lot of pro ana communities on livejournal.

I know eating disorders are a disease and not a lifestyle. I don't promote them, but I do think being thin is great. I am kinda proud of my eating disorder. I hope to change that one day. I was looking for "thinspiration", and I saw a video on youtube about Isabelle Caro, so I decided to search for articles about her. One of the results I got was your website.

My name is Alisha and I am 18 years old. I'm a black girl who has EDNOS. I have done it all (starve, binge and purge, diet pills, you name it.) I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 3 years. I'm 5'3 91.8 pounds. I was 88 pounds last week but because of Thanksgiving I have gained a couple of pounds. I would like to weigh about 85 pounds, but I know that's not healthy.

I became very angry when a girl made a comment about my desire to be thin. She said "black girls are supposed to be voluptuous". I got angry because I think race and size should never be in the same sentence. I think that people should know that anyone can suffer from an eating disorder.

I have never seen an article about a black girl with an eating disorder. So, maybe it is ok for people to think all black girls are or should be voluptuous?

I feel alone sometimes because I don't know any black girls with an eating disorder. I would feel embarrassed for people to know I have one because of my race. I just want other girls of all races to know that anyone can have an eating disorder.

I would also like to say your website has opened my eyes. I knew eating disorders kill, but reading the stories about other people shows death is real.

One day maybe I will realize what I have done to myself and start to love myself. I have to be honest I don't know if I even want to. If I get better maybe I can become a counselor or a psychiatrist who helps boys and girls of all races with all types of mental health problems.

Thanks for listening,

Alisha"

Alisha, eating disorders do not discriminate. Anorexia and bulimia strike girls of every race and colour.

From the Psychiatric Times:

"More recent evidence suggests that the pre-valence of anorexia nervosa among African-Americans is higher than previously thought and is rising. A survey of readers of a popular African-American fashion magazine (see picture chart above) found levels of abnormal eating attitudes and body dissatisfaction that were at least as high as a similar survey of Caucasian women, with a significant negative correlation between body dissatisfaction and a strong black identity (Pumariega et al., 1994). It has been hypothesized that thinness is gaining more value within the African-American culture, just as it has in the Caucasian culture (Hsu, 1987).

Other American ethnic groups also may have higher levels of eating disorders than previously recognized (Pate et al., 1992). A recent study of early adolescent girls found that Hispanic and Asian-American girls showed greater body dissatisfaction than white girls (Robinson et al., 1996). Furthermore, another recent study has reported levels of disordered eating attitudes among rural Appalachian adolescents that are comparable to urban rates (Miller et al., in press). Cultural beliefs that may have protected ethnic groups against eating disorders may be eroding as adolescents acculturate to mainstream American culture (Pumariega, 1986)."
(Link: Psychiatric Times)


Alisha, please check out video on laurenasia's * video on Youtube:

Click:

Black Women and Eating Disorders

* Laurenasia:

"Now I'm a Grad student at UMD working on 2 Masters Degrees, the overused Masters in Business Admin and then the wonderfully ridiculous Masters in Financial Managment and Info Systems. The Info systems I kinda like.

Professional model and tutor part time. I have 2 chihuahuas Prince and Duchess.

I wouldn't classify myself as sane. I'm a yogini-Hatha Vinyasa and power.

I've also suffered from clinical Anorexia Nervosa for 6 years. However my happiest time has been during recovery, which is what I'm working on now for the 2nd time around. I also have generalized anxiety disorder, but I finally grew some ovaries and started to upload vids.

If you want to chat, just need an ear to listen, or wanna be internet buddies!!! j/k, but no really... any of these links will lead to that:

http://www.model-lauren.com/
www.myspace.com/Lauren_Asia
modelmeasia.livejournal.com "
(from YouTube)


Please get help before it's too late, Alisha. Eating disorders ARE deadly.

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