Sunday, April 3, 2011


"Dear Medusa,

My name is Toni. It was only a month ago that I realised something was off; that what I was doing wasn't smart.

I've been teased and bullied in school since my first day at primary because I was different. I had a bully teacher in year 2 and only two friends who sometimes deserted me. But I managed to cope and developed nothing more than anxiety.

I was pushed over the edge into depression when I had my heart broken just over three years ago. For two years I built negative habits such as avoiding school, lashing out, locking myself in my room, and keeping everything bottled up.

I had never thought I was pretty; I'd been told daily that I was ugly every day at school, and I believed it. But it wasn't until year 9 / age 13 that I started to think I was overweight. I hated mirrors; every time I looked in them I saw fat. Even so, I didn't do anything about it.

I had become a very lazy, unfit person over the past few years, but I weighed no more than the average girl my age and height.

It was last year that I began to skip meals and throw food out at school. I'd give my lunch to my friends or the bin, but I was still eating breakfast and dinner - until I was taken to a psychologist for my depression and anxiety, which at this point had resulted in self-harming (cutting) myself weekly and suicidal thoughts. Not long after, I was booked in to see a psychiatrist and was then prescribed Fluoxetine (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety).

The medication worked for the most part. I stopped cutting and attended school more frequently. But my appetite dropped dramatically, until I didn't feel like I could eat breakfast, more often than not I didn't eat lunch, and then I'd only eat half my dinner. So my mum bought me Complan (food supplement milkshake) to make up for it.

I haven't been on Fluoxetine for three months now, but I've been eating even less. Most day's I've been having nothing but half my dinner, because I want to be thin; I want to be beautiful. For the past two months I've developed anorexia (I have not yet lost much weight due to my mum keeping me on Complan) but day after day I restrict my food intake and have 2 exercise routines: daily and nightly.

Last month, I realised I was being stupid. I'd been visiting my dad at the time, and one night he made me all of a very fattening dinner. That night, during my shower, I made myself throw up for the first time. The experience shook me and I began to research it and figure I fit the symptoms of anorexia.

Yet, despite this realisation, I still fight every day to NOT eat, to the point where a week ago I almost passed out.

I am fighting this battle on my own; I have told no one, but I thought that my story might help inspire others to fight it as I am. I've gone in alone and am trying to get Ana out of my life. I am trying to live.

From Toni."

Link to photo:
Sticks and Stones...

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Anonymous said...

Dear Medusa..{I hate calling you that b/c I think what you are doing here is a beautiful thing} you are raising awareness! It is NOT by accident that I fell upon your blog an hour ago...I was watching the Rachel Zoe Project and googled about her weight and it led me to you! I have been BATTELING Bulemia for 17 years...I am 42 and a mother of 2 precious kids {1 being a 7 year old daughter} and I am TERRIFIED she will soon "Catch on" and I will be passing this along to her...I am STRUGGELING DAILY with this WAR with FOOD! I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this amazing Blog where I can come to and get the SHOCK VALUE of what I am doing to myself...I think this gives me HOPE to get on the road to fighting this disease! I will be back DAILY! I am going to post this Anonymous as I am not ready to be "Public". THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

Dear Tony...
i just want you to know that WE (lots of people reading this blog..) are reading your post.. And :) Although i don't deal with anorexia or bulimia i hope as a human being, i'm using my imagination, my feeling, and all my heart to try to be n your shoe rightly...

Things must be pretty hard there,cause no one came to this state with no reason, or excuse, or whatever we may name it. But there's always way to get through this.. And you're taking the first step to get ana out of your life

And i'm so happy to know that.. Although i don't know you personally, but with all my heart, i'll pray for you. That u'll have all the strength u need to overcome this. That you will have strong-will to keep ana out of your life..

It's your life, and u're right, this is a battle of your own.. BUT look around, there are people like ME, who's praying and cheering for you.. You aren't completely alone... Don't give up!!

my thoughts n my prayers are with you..
*sending u lots of love and hugs*

Anonymous said...

and to Anonymous who happened to fell on this blog after watching the Rachel Zoe Project :)

I'm sending you the same prayers!
You are NOT letting bulimia to take control their(your 2 precious kids) mom's life..RIGHT?! :D *hugs u tightly* Fight, fight.. for your children, and most of all for yourself..

dont give up! and yes, we read your post, and we pray for u too!!
*hugs hugs hugs hugs*

Anonymous said...

I don't want to be a jerk but it sounds more like you want to have anorexia than actually do. That's not to say disordered eating isn't serious - it is precisely because the behavior seems so normal and flies under the radar for years of malnutrition. Hopefully you caught on early. Purging sucks. Bulimia has its own special kind of hangover. And chipmunk cheeks. And wild mood swings. And flucuating weight. You say you're not losing weight because your mother makes you eat, so you made yourself throw up, well, that sounds like the perfect start to bulimia. Pretty soon you'll be spending money like a drug addict at the grocery store and avoiding friends and crushes and whoever else to binge/purge in private, hoping you don't smell like vomit, aren't red and swollen. It's not very nice. It seems like in recent years a lot of girls with other psychiatric diagnoses want anorexia because it gives their misery a silver lining: thinness. That's not how it works. Do you still have access to a counselor? Are your parents looking out for you? Do you have any support system in place? Get help before you do something stupid, please.

Anonymous said...

I know you dont feel it now, but you must understand that nothing in this world is worth killing yourself over... absolutely nothing...

Who are they to say who or what you are? They are nothing to you...

Take life as a video game, you are the player and they are the background... Nothing they do really matters to you...

I really dont get this obsession with ugly or not... Do you know how many people thrived because of their brains not their looks...

Take a history book, or more resently, times magazine, the rich list, are they pretty? fck no!

Its your mind thats counts...

If you allow urself to be weak, then thats what u will be.. If u felt the pitty, anger, rage control you, it will and u wont be here for very long...

You must change your pattern of thought or else, they win...

Anonymous said...

Dear Medusa and Readers,

I Just wanted to share something that worked for me. I have been on and off my ED from ages 13 to 19. Either I'd restrict, B/P or exercise like crazy.
Upon entering college, I started cognitive therapy. Me and My therapist would talk about my triggers and possible ways to avoid them. I was also seeing a health specialist, to make sure my body was healing. I had Amenorrhea for 13 months straight. My bone density was low, diagnosing me with osteopenia. My skin was horrible, my dark circles extremely vivid. I also had a higher level of amylose in my blood; My heart rate jumped dramatically from when I was sitting to when I stood up.

Yes I had all the horrible symptoms of a chronic sufferer. The extent of my illness would decrease from time to time, depending on the amount of stress I was in. Cognitive therapy helped me to an extent, because I could now share the inner secret with another human being. It made me stop blaming myself for what I did.

After a year or so of seeing a therapist, I started seeing a psychologist. She prescribed Prozac to me. Ever since, I am happy to say, I have steered away from B/P completely. I am getting my period normal every month, my dark circles have diminished and my heart no longer paces out of control. I am probably not recovered completely but I have hit a major mile stone. I just wanted to share the power of medication. Believe it or not, ED is beyond a psychological problem. It is actually caused by a physiological abnormality; for me I know it was due to reduced seratonin levels in my brain. I hope this turns out to be the ultimate cure for me and I hit my 6 month goal. All in all, Prozac is definitely worth a shot!

Hayley Michelle said...

Hi, Medusa.
My name is Hayley and I just turned 15. I'm a big girl, but I am over-coming several eating disorders. I am diognosed with Body Dismorfia and I'm still getting over it myself. Last year when I was diagnosed, I started a campeign called "THE PRETTY PROJECT". I am doing exactly what you do; more so through poetry about girls I interview, or myself. I find these compelling stories and i try to give it a voice. I am so happy that there are more people in the world doing this. I hope you continue to be a bright light in this dark situation. I know you are busy , and chances are that you will never read this comment... but if you have the time, it would mean the world to me if you could take a short look at my project? I only have 8 followers, I'm not well known. But i do want to get my message accross to anyone who is suffering or is recovering. Maybe even a girl who has nothing to do with it, but has a friend. I really want to make a diffrence. Just like you. This summer I am starting working on getting my project to travel to school and teach other girls my age about the dangers of eating disorders. Until then..I'm still gongi to try and make a diffrence. One blog at a time.



Medusa said...

Hayley, your project is wonderful. I will add a link on my site to your blog.

Best of luck to you on your continuing recovery and The Pretty Project!

Hayley Michelle said...

thank you so much! On The PRetty Project FB page, You are curentlly being spread like wild fire. You are amazing.
The Pretty Project<3

Stephanie said...

I hope as all is well I'm struggling to loose weight And am desperate enough to consider purging until I read everyone's testimony and to be honest it scared me to death I'm sorry you had to battle a disease like this and hope your doing better!!!!