Janelle
Hi. My name is Janelle. I'm 16 and from the Philippines.
I've always been a fat kid. Everyone called me fat so I started to do something about it.
My family is perfect, my grades are sky-high, I study at an International School, I've traveled a lot, I get everything I want and I get them immediately, I can manipulate anyone, etc, from the outside, everything seemed perfect. My psychiatrist, psychologist, toxicologist, and nutritionist are THE BEST in my country. And my psychologist is like my best friend, we get along very well.
I've always been insecure. It's either something’s lacking in me or I'm too much. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough to be called "gifted", I'm not tall enough, etc. Or I'm too fat, my boobs are too big, my eyebrows and lips are too thick, and stuff like that. I was never happy with myself.
Anyway, I'm also suicidal. People think that if you're suicidal and if you're cutting, you're EMO but it's not like that. Or that if you're starving yourself it’s because you want attention. It's not. It's like a defense mechanism to try to make away your issues go away. I used to cut because it made me forget about the hurting inside and it made me focus on the hurting outside. I starve myself so that maybe, I could disappear. I’m starving myself because when I'm thin, maybe everything will be okay. It's like distracting yourself to deny that something IS wrong. Problem is, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've been suffering from Anorexia for 2 years now and I was admitted to the Psychiatric Ward of a local hospital since we do not have any Eating Disorder Treatment Centers here in my country. I was admitted because I overdosed on sleeping pills thrice and my weight was dangerously low. I was 71 lbs and I'm 5"2. My hair was falling out, my nails were blue, I became anemic, my blood pressure read 40/60 or something like that. I can't really remember anymore. I almost died because of complications in my heart. I'm also Bipolar so after a lot of medications, they put me on Zyprexa which makes you fat. Really, it does. I guess you can call me recovered for like, 4 months, but I've always had bad body images and my whole world revolves around how people think of me. But at least I wasn't trying to kill myself anymore.
Sad to say, I've relapsed. I started losing weight only to be called FAT by other people so I started to be conscious about weight again and I lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I only eat once a week now and I'm scared. I'm scared that my parents will spend a lot of money again on me (they already spent a 1.5 million pesos on my treatment) and I don't want that. I'm just scared that one day, if I lose in this battle, they won't have anything left for themselves anymore. I'm scared of what will happen to my family when I'm gone. I've made a lot of promises to them and I don't want to break it. But I just can't do it anymore.
I'm losing myself to this disorder again. My psychiatrist and psychologist are like my best friends and if I screw up one more time, they won't be my doctors anymore and that will break my heart. If I tell them that I'm losing weight, they'll send me to the asylum for a year and will not have any privileges at all. I just want to let them know that they did a good job on treating me. It's just that... I really don't know what's happening to me. But I have so much love for lots of people and I don't know how to show it. I'm such a burden to them. I don't want to drag them down with me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm losing myself to this disorder again. My psychiatrist and psychologist are like my best friends and if I screw up one more time, they won't be my doctors anymore and that will break my heart. If I tell them that I'm losing weight, they'll send me to the asylum for a year and will not have any privileges at all. I just want to let them know that they did a good job on treating me. It's just that... I really don't know what's happening to me. But I have so much love for lots of people and I don't know how to show it. I'm such a burden to them. I don't want to drag them down with me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
WHY IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?
WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
I wish I could have a happy ending to my story but I don't. There is really no cure for this disorder, we just learn how to live with it and how to not let it take over our lives. You can have the best doctors in the world but if you don't try hard enough to get better, you won't. So work with what you have and hope for the best.
It's never over.
But I'm still hoping that one day, I will recover.
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