Wednesday, January 12, 2011

EMMA'S STORY: "ALL I EVER WANTED WAS LOVE."

Me now.


At three still innocent and not tainted.


My name is Emma. I'm 30 years old from Christchurch, New Zealand. 

I have had anorexia, bulimia and serious self harm since I was 11 years old 19 horrible years. 

I can never remember ever being happy. I grew up with a very abusive father and an extremely sick mother in and out of hospital. I also have an older brother who was a bully and treated me like a slave. 

With my mum being so sick I had to run the household from a young age.  Also, my father had very high expectations of me to succeed in everything:  school, music and sport.  I would get up at 5am and not stop until bed at 9.30.

I developed very early, being flung into puberty age 9. Primary school was good.  I was popular, extremely bright.  My teachers loved me. 

But the summer between primary and intermediate something changed. I became the kid everyone picked on, for being bright and ugly, though only 11, I suffered from terrible painful acne and had big breasts and hips. I was sent to the deputy principal for him to teach me alternative subjects.  He sexually abused me for those two years. It was then, at 11, I began cutting. I had no idea what I was doing it just felt good.

Also, I began skipping breakfast and throwing away my lunch.  If I couldn't be pretty I wanted to be skinny (although I was 5'4" and 102lbs) and I hoped I would lose my breasts, which in my mind caused the sexual abuse. I did tell my parents about the abuse but my dad told me to "stop fucking lying, you'll wreck that man’s life." At this age I started viciously hating myself, wrote my parents off.

By 13, my extracurricular activities were: Hockey (4 teams), athletics, cross country, cricket, volleyball, touch rugby, flute, choir, orchestra. So I was doing 5-7 hours of exercise.

By age 14, I was cutting daily.  My anorexia fueled up.  I added 2 hours of running before school; faked breakfast by shaking toast crumbs onto a plate. I gave my lunch to girls in my class. My PE teacher caught on when she found me passed out in the changing rooms.  Soon I was fainting on a regular basis.  I was sent to guidance; they set up a hospital admission for me as my weight dropped to 76lbs and my cutting was no longer secret. But my parents refused consent as they considered themselves perfect and I was not going to ruin their reputation. They said I was anorexic and self harming to make them look bad.

At 16 I agreed to go to the youth section of the psych hospital.  By then I was abusing laxatives and diet pills, and my cuts constantly needed stitching. But once again my parents decided imprisonment at home was a better option. I was tormented and overdosed on sleeping pills and anti depressants had my first of 100s of public- medical hospital admissions.  My heart was affected.

At the same time somehow I was a hockey and athletics rep and A student.

At 17, my last year of high school, I was so depressed, all I could focus on was self harm and my ED which had evolved to bulimia. I would cut class to binge and purge then cut and burn. I had begun to experiment with burning myself with acid. 

At 18, I ran away to another city where I spiraled out of control. I inflicted third-degree burns that needed grafting; took massive overdoses.  The first I woke from a coma in intensive care with a tube down my throat. I was committed to the psych hospital and all year I was either in intensive care or in the psych hospital. I was transferred to a private hospital that specialised in eating disorders and Borderline (diagnosed at 15). I hated it and was there for a year. 

After 2 1/2 years in hospital I was sent home to my parents, seen as a failure soon to die.

Now 21, I fell into a bad crowd and was back to anorexia.  88 lbs, I spent 4 hours at the gym then spent the rest of my time drinking and smoking weed. I was raped three times.  Then one night I was involved in arson. I was sentenced to 2 1/2 years prison. I served 7 months.

Trying to cut this short, since then I have been in and out of the medical and psych hospitals. Anorexia, Bulimia, self harm and suicide is all my mind could contain.  I should have been dead at least 50 times over. Doctors have told me I should be dead, they wish I was dead, and I was a waste of time, space and money.

At 30, sitting here, I am scarred completely, both arms and legs. I've had 24 skin grafts, I have severed many tendons, I have faced amputation 4 times.  I cannot have anymore surgery as my left arm is all scar tissue inside and out; it is weak and doesn’t function well. I have had bone and vessels and muscle cut out of my leg and arm due to being burnt. I have brain damage, as I have had 7 cardiac arrests and 3 respiratory arrests. My heart is damaged; it could stop at anytime. Bulimia has robbed me of my bowel: 3 years ago it stopped working.  The pain was horrific.  They operated; my bowel is black and decayed all due to my 100-a-day laxative addiction. I have capped teeth.

I have been told I'm one of the worst cases of self harm in the world by my British psychologist and American psychiatrist.

My arm after surgery after I’d severed 3 tendons.


My leg after more grafting.

I feel like I have just been regurgitating facts and I'm not baring my emotion.  My life has been wasted.  I started self harming to cope.  I thought I controlled it...I could stop when I wanted to...same with ED, but it's just not true. 

I live an isolated life, I have been banned from hospitals.  They've had enough. I have tried, I really have, but what’s the point when no one cares and no one will ever love me because I'm deformed. 

All I ever wanted was love. I just don't know how to 'get a life.' I don't know how to make friends. I hate justifying my existence.

I should have a job like a normal person, but I’m so tired from all the meds and the depression, the hopelessness. Currently, I weigh 108lbs. I've started restricting and purging again. I wish my parents had just bought a trophy and not conceived me. I was discharged from mental health two months ago deemed ‘incurable’.

A pic of my tattoo of mental health awareness ribbon.


Since I feel I have been relatively emotionless, I have added a couple of my poems from a book I had published this year:


Anorexia

The world
Drains of colour

Black mourning in my eyes

Too many times
I’ve stared death in the eye
So close

I could feel his cold
Stagnant breath on my cheeks

His skeletal fingers
Fingering my lank thinning hair

Ana
Ana, he calls
I’ve come to pick your bones

Clean.

~~~

Self Hatred

Don’t fill me
With false prophecies
I want to lie
Face upturned
Empty
Free of parasitic guilt
Free of self consuming hate
Empty
Nothing to feel
Desolation echoes
Through my body
Reverberating
An unanswered cry
In an empty room
Impartial I lie
Unturned and empty.

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47 comments:

Tullip said...

what a hard life :(
*hugs* darling
don't hurt yourself, there is God that can give you hope.
Im not very religious but read the bible it really help
you have a pretty face, don't think "nobody can love me", no one is alone, everybody need love
u should be the way to be happy baby

kisses

janell said...

Dear Emma.

I am so sorry for your pain and loneliness. I am so sorry that there wasn't a special Bigger Person to be your touch stone as you were growing up.

While you may have still had struggles, I imagine that having had someone to trust and who acted on your behalf and for your good - you would have mitigated the severity of your self-punishing choices.

I don't know you, but I sincerely send you love.

Anonymous said...

This made me cry. NOBODY should go through things like this! You have such a pretty face, and I like your smile! It shows love to me and a very sweet person!
Please, don't give up! There is hope, somewhere!
I'm so sorry, I really don't know what to tell you, it just touched me deep inside!

Tanja said...

I wish I lived in New Zealand so I could meet you and give you a heartfelt hug.
Please don't give up! Reach out and find someone, it's never too late.
And while the years you have been through won't be undone, you may find happiness after all.

Cristal said...

Emma,
my heart goes out to you, i don't know you but i love you. Please don't do anything rational. Please set your mind to get better. When you've fallen to you knees there's only one way up. dont stay there. <3

jadedchalice said...

Emma,

You are far from unloveable no matter what you have been through, or even done to yourself. The fact that the medical community could deem you "uncurable" or that they would say anything about wanting you to die is unimaginable and i cant express my sorrow for what you have been through. I hope you will know that some of us would love to reach out out to you and be a friend to you. Feel free to add me if you would like. If you have a blog on here i would like to follow it.

Emma Leah said...

Hi
I was really nervous about my story, I have no friends and thought it was cause I'm so freaky. So thank you for your kind words, though I'm sure I don't deserve them.
emma

Maja Hikari said...

Emma. i don't know if words would help, but i want you to know that here in Mexico there's a light shining for you. You have been so close to dead, but still you're alive, isn't that something to thank for?... I've also had suicidal thoughts, and I know there are times where one just wants to leave the horrid suffering that life might seem. I have recovered. And know I see life gave me the opportunity to think twice. It has given you that opportunity also. I think that after all you've been through you must be very strong... it's just about seeing that strength. Search for better help, not mediocre doctors that don't seem to care about what's going inside, what's burning from the inside out and cutting you in pieces. Forget them. Start fresh. You're reading these. You're alive. You have a chance. You can take it.

I can tell you that my secret to recovery was yoga. I think it might do some good for you too... it'll help you heal your physical and emotional wounds. It has that power, because you have it. Try. Try with whatever you want. But don't give up. One day you'll smile again. A shiny smile... don't give up on live.

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful. I can notice in your smile, you want to live, and want to live without pain, even when your scars says so. You deserve to have a life now, to rest your mind, body and soul for all the things you have been trough. Now it`s the chance. To realize how hard it has been, to show us how difficult and hard your life is, its the first step to decide to leave all that behind. Not completely my darling, You always have to keep some memories, even of the worst periods of your life. we need to be realistic and keep those memories , so you can compare how much your life has changed and progressed for your own good.
I wish you the best luck, and sorry because my english is not very good. :) Im sure someone loves you, you must trust on that again.. A big hug fullllllllllllllllllllllllll of love, health and good wishes..

And, Medusa, i visit this almost every day to have motivation to keep on fighting for life. A good life. Thank you very much Medusa.

Maria José

Anonymous said...

Hi Emma,

When I opened this article and saw your picture I immediately knew who you were, I'm Lina's best friend over in the UK and have known about you as long as I've known Lina. Your cards and messages to her through her battle with anorexia were amazing and I just wanted to send you some hugs and thank you for sharing your story again with people xxx

Just Another Alice said...

i love you kitty katt ;) xxx

Christina said...

Emma, you're beautiful.
I live in New Zealand, too. I've struggled with BPD, eating disorders, self-harm, and suicide for ten years. I thought that I'd suffered quite a bit... until I read this. It has really put things in perspective for me.
You're so amazing to have survived through all of this. You're an inspiration to me. You have so much to give, you know? Hell, just by going around schools and telling your story, you could save so many people from going down the same path. It certainly would have deterred me ten years ago.
I don't imagine this is very comforting to hear. I bet you wish that none of this had ever happened to you. I do, too. I'm so sorry for everything.
I really, truly hope that you find happiness one day, and that you will no longer need to do these things to yourself in order to find it.
I hope I run into you somewhere, some day also. New Zealand isn't a big place! I think you're amazing.
I so hope things get better

Sarah said...

Hi Emma!

Please - I also get those feelings that I'm horrid at making friends - but I would love to get to know you and be there for you!

I know I shouldn't judge but what your parents did to you was wrong. It was wrong.
Everyday my mother would bring up how her parents were bad to her when she was growing up and she still lets it effect her even though she has had a successful career in her field, has tonnes of other family around her and lots of friends (although, sometimes she complains about them too! can't win! :P)
Please keep trying. Even if hospitals are rejecting you - you ARE worth it. You have come so far and had a much tougher road than others.
If you'd like to email me try historyreallysucks@hotmail.com (I got the email as a dare about 8 years ago :P)

Emma-Lea said...

um I feel really egotistical doing this but I have taken jadedchalice's suggestion and started a blog you can find it at blogspot, confessions of a broken doll.
thank you all for being so very kind.

Marie-So said...

Hi Emma,
I'm new here... I dont actually have an ED, but after the tragic death of Isabelle Caro, I became interested in knowing more about that disease. And it reminded me of my cousin who has been strugling with anorexia since she was a teenager. I remember at a Christmas party, she was super skinny and said she still needed to lose a few pounds... We looked at her like she was an alien (I'm sure a lot of you know that look!). I was just a child then, I did'nt try to understand more than what I saw.

I am now a mother of 2, I have a beautiful 6 years old daughter and I trully hope she will never have to deal with anorexia or bulimia. Not because having a ED is a disgrace. But I'm saying that because, from what I've read on this blog and on others, it seems to be a very insidious illness that brings so much pain and struggle.

I've been thinking of writing this comment for quite a few days now... I guess I felt I didn't really have something interesting to say because I dont have an ED. But I know the pressure coming from our society and all the images we see on magazine, tv, movies, etc. The pressure to be thin is very high and I know how we, as women, have to be carefull that our desire to be thin doesnt transform itself into an ED or an exercice mania.

Anyway, what I wanted to write today, is a message to Emma. Your story really touched me and also the fact that you did'nt seem to have gotten the help you needed so far (from a medical and psychological point of view). I guess what I wanted to tell you is, you may think that you have wasted years of your precious life with ED and mutliation and that your life is over. But you can also look at things the other way around. You are still young. 30 years old is not old and everything is still possible. You could live until 31 years old, but you could also live until 99 years old, which would mean that you still have so many years ahead of you and therefore, it is worth getting better so that you dont waste any more years with your ED. You say you dont have friends or anyone who loves you. I think the day YOU will start to love you, then you will attract people loving you. You are not a freak and it is not because you have all those scars that you are meant to be alone the rest of your life. I know it's easier to say that to do and I'm not in your shoes. But I guess I wanted to send you all this positive energy and a big big hug and tell you that you can do it, you can get rid of this sickness and get back control on your life! I wish you all the best dear Emma and please, never never lose hope!

Kindly,
Marie-So

Melissa said...

Dearest Emma,

Your story has touched me so deeply. We have never met, but I truly believe that you are an amazing and beautiful person. I'm so sorry about everything that has happened to you. I wish so much that there was something that I could do to make it better for you, you DO deserve it. "We are all made of stars" and you shine bright.

Sending love from afar

wordgrrrl said...

oh, emma.

you're beautiful, no matter what.

this story hurt my heart-- i just want to hug you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Emma,
Its so hard to know what to say, since words can't seem to convey the immensity of what I felt when I read your post. I am in my 30s and have struggled with anorexia, bulemia and self-harm for over half of my life. I understand the terrible suffering that happens on the inside before it is expressed on the outside, and I know what it is like when your body becomes a canvas for your pain. I wanted to share something that I have learned through the long slow (ongoing) process of recovery... for years I waged war against myself, my own body the battleground, and when I looked in the mirror all I could see was that battle. I saw my scars, my stitches, my ribs, my hipbones, and in my mind it became a blur until all I saw was a scar instead of a person. I was stuck so deeply in my own struggle that I assumed that if thats what I saw, thats what everyone else would see too. I decided that I "knew" what other people were seeing when they looked at me, and that in their heads I "knew" they were saying things like "freak," "damaged," or just plain "ew." Through the process of recovery I have learned this isn't true. People do not precieve me the way I percive myself. Looks that I had interpreted as revulsion were actually sympathetic, and where I had seen disguest, there was in actuality a search for understanding. Shocking right? I knew I was a freak but other people didn't seem to agree with me. The same is true of you. I imagine that you are so stuck in the battle you have to fight every single day that you no longer see yourself in the mirror - you see the struggle. But there are people out there who will see you for the individual you really are, for your ability to feel things deeply and for your sensitivity. I won't lie - sometimes you will meet the other kind of person too - the kind that is unable to see past the scars, but those people don't matter. They have no substance. Search for the other kind - we are out here, some of us with scars on the outside, some with scars on the inside, some with few scars at all, and we are always looking for more genuine, real people who we see, really see without judgement.

Take it one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time, and know you truly are not alone.

emilyhighfash said...

I'm so sorry. You don't know me but I love you. I truly do love you.

texasgirl said...

emma - your story touched my heart. i am so sorry for all you have been through. i too had many rough years, and put my life back together. i hope and pray that you can find relief and happiness. i wish i could meet you and hug you.

love from texas. and hang in there.

Anonymous said...

You are the best person I can imagine for a friend. I hate living in Poland, i'd like to tell You face to face how unique and beautiful You are. I whish i could fight by Your side for every single day.
You are not alone, i'll be thinking of You:*
best wishes
Monika

Anonymous said...

Oh hon,

I am so sorry that no one has helped you the way you have needed and that you have been in such pain for so long.

I don't know you but please know there are people out there who think you are beautiful and strong for enduring so much and still being able to share your story with others who are suffering.

You will be in my prayers. You are beautiful. xoxo

anna

Anonymous said...

What an awful time youve had! but just sharing your story will help so many others! what a kind heart you have, your laxative bit really scared me, im currently on a 70 a day habit but trying to slowly come off them, im terrified that my bowel too will stop working, have you managed to come off them now? lots of love keep fighting xxx

Anonymous said...

Hey Emma, I just wanted to say although its so hard, and everything feels like ital never get any better it really can sweets. I read your article at first because im also partly from chch, (went to uni there and PMH in 06 and 09 im sure your also quite familiar with that ed unit and "dr bucket" etc etc, so although i havnt been through what you have ive had my own battles which i never thought were possible to overcome but they really are! i know a girl who was sick for 10 years and the hospitals gave up on her to but she has now fully recovered from her ed, you may know her but i wont post her name on here.

I really hope you can push past everything, you are not your past, you are your future and you can start it anytime. Please dont give up. Add me on facebook if you want http://www.facebook.com/#!/JessDavies21

take care, you are worth so much more than you believe

jess xxx

Anonymous said...

Hey Emma,

I came to this website looking for advice on how to starve syself thin, and I realize now how stupid I am being. I figured I can do it for a little while to "kick-start" my weight loss... and I'll admitt I've already tried it a couple times. I am 5'5" and weigh 195lbs and I have a lot of issues with my appearance (on the other end of the scale). I just want to let you know that I love you! I don't know you, but my heart is full of love for you! I have had so many issues with myself too, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. I know how much it hurts to not have even one person to talk to about things, and having to suffer in silence. It is not too late for you to turn things around, and I would absolutely LOVE to be friends with you... I have trouble making friends too. Please add me to your facebook if you want, and maybe we can encourage each other :) I would love to share my story with you about my struggles and how I got over some of them (and still working on it), if you'll have me. May God bless you, darling. I will pray for you!

-Anca
(This is my facebook prifiel link, please add me) http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/profile.php?id=610395290

Anonymous said...

Emma,
That's the saddest story I have ever heard, and I don't know how you're still here today, but for that reason alone you should be proud!
You may not see it now, but you do have a lot to live for - you're only 30!
You're so beautiful and the sheer fact you have been labelled 'uncurable' should give you the desire to get better, travel the world meet new people!
There are a lot of lovely people in the world, that you have yet to experience - don't give up hope so young!
Please get bettterr!

Anonymous said...

Hi Emma,

I am so sorry for what you're going through with your life. I don't know if this will help, but just believe in yourself. Believe that everything will be better. That you can change, and make people happy! You need to open up and talk to someone. Make a change. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. I know its easier to say than take an actions. But if you don't believe in yourself. Who's gonna believe you? I believe you still have the strength and power to get up and make things right. Build a new life! Build an Emma's world ;)



Much love from here
<3 <3

Anonymous said...

Hi Emma,

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I have very similar scars to yours...all over my body as well. I know how you feel in this. I do think you are gorgeous though and I pray that you will see this for yourself.
Thinking of you.

-C

Laura said...

Dear Emma:

Try helping other people. It gives you meaning because you are worthy and capable to love.
It´s easy to see it in your eyes.

That´s working for me. I send you lots of love,

Laura.

Anonymous said...

it's hard to imagine the pain your in. The difference one person could make. There are 6 billion people in the world and someone out their was made for you.

Anonymous said...

I love you! My daughter has cut herself in the past and I got her help as soon as I found out. Finding others that have suffered her pain have help her so much. You've got such a lovely smile. I wish you the very best.

Anonymous said...

You're so beautiful. The pain you went through seems to leap off the words you write, it's so tangible and so heartbreaking. No one can ever truly relate to what ED survivors go through. It's an addiction we're forever in remission from, and I hope you continue fighting, because there's definitely something in you worth saving. That's evident because you touched something in me, in all of us who read this. So much love. -Kiki.

casandra said...

Dear Emma..
My heart cried when o reed your story, Im so sorry that this horrible thinks happen to you and the worse of all is that your own family did not help you =(
I really hope the very best for you my dear i wish i cool meet you and give you my love as a friend. Please don ever give up it seem like you are in a dark place but tomorrow is a new day so dont give up.. try to find some one that you can talk to.. no body should be alone... please, dont give up!
Lots of love to you <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

please if you ever want to talk whit me i be happy to listen my mail is geraldinesilva@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

Emma, I know I can't help but hope you will feel a bit less alone knowing that people around a globe keep fingers crossed for you and your recovery. You are a very strong person having endured all this. I am 30 and keep on pitying myself for nothing. You are my hero and you have story to share with other BPD suferrers. Write a memoir, reach to young people they will benefit from what you know. Warm greetings from Poland, Eva

Anonymous said...

Emma,

Obviously I don't know you but wanted to say how deeply your story touched me. You have had such an incredibly hard life and it is a miracle you are still here. From the photo it is clear from your smile and stunning eyes that you have so much to offer the world and I sincerly hope you get the chance to do so. You are an amazing important and incredible person to have survived what you did. And most of all you are worthy of love especially from yourself. I truly hope you can find this.

Katie-Leigh said...

wow!! you have had a hard life. i hope you can see passed the darkness you have suffered i no its hard, i have just turned 17 an i to self harm i have been in an out of a high secure unit since i was eight and suffer from paranoid schizophrenia an anorexia. i have tried so many times to commit suicide in so many different ways but all i really wanted to do with my life since i was 7 is to join the army an on my 16th birthday i went to the army base passed all the physical tests an nearly got in until they got my medical results, from that moment i new my life was over my dreams crushed by the only people i let close to me, the army said i wasn't fit enough to wipe there boots, i cried for weeks after, only now am i starting to get my life back and sticking to my medication and trying not to self harm, times do get hard sometimes but in my mind i'm a solider an soldiers just carry on :) xxx

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you for being alive. You are beautiful and amazing. Remember that.

Child of God said...

Emma I read your story as I have been going thru a trial myself. This is what keeps me strong. I know that I am a child of the Almighty God and guess what So are you!! You are His precious Daughter. Do you know Jesus? I promise you with every ounce of my being that He knows you. And trust me He loves you. If you say the name of Jesus He will pull you out of your pit. Believe in Him and you will have all the love your heart can take.

Anonymous said...

Whatever is on my mind, I say it as I feel it, I'm truthful to myself; I'm young and I'm old, I've been bought and I've been sold, so many times. I am hard-faced, I am gone. I am just like you.
-Henry Barthes

Ash said...

Hey, no matter what your brain tells you, you're not alone. Yes, you've had a very rough life. Yes, you've got a pretty extreme case. However, you didn't mean for any of this to happen and it's not your fault. People are here for you now, just try to talk it through with people, strangers or not. It really helps for me. I hope you're doing better. <3 Best regards, Ash P.s. If you're ever in need of someone to chat with, I'm here. jeopardycat@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

Emma, my story comes nowhere near yours but the self-hatred and condeming thoughts of not being worth anything i am very familiar with. You have an enemy that is trying to take you out but it seems to me that you also have someone sustaining you. You may not know that 'someone' yet but i have met him and i have realised that it hasn't been my inner strength which has kept me alive through my torturous life, its been him and continues to be him. I'd love to say how strong you are and to just keep trying and not giving up, but in my experience, people that say that have no idea of the depth of hopelessness that you feel. It seems that there is no hope for you and that everyone has abondoned you and given up on you. So where have you got to go? Who is capable of helping you? Who would still love you and not stop? This is what you're craving for, is it not? Emma, the truth is that this life sucks and most of yours has been 'wasted' (as has mine). But you know what makes me hang in there? I have a new life waiting for me after this one and while i'm in this one i have someone who loves my scars and my ugliness. My friend is Jesus, Emma. I know the love your looking for, but it doesn't exist in this world. You need someone who will never tire of you and who you know will always be the same everytime you look around. Jesus is a safe and secure place to hide. You need someone bigger than yourself Emma. I'm 34 and have never had anyone who has chosen me to be the person that they love more than anyone else and that has made me feel worthless and unloveable. But Jesus is teaching what real love is and where to find it. There is a life after this one; i dont want you to have lived such a painful life here and then go on to live an eternal life with even greater pain in Hell. Forget about this life and its failures; and even if it doesn't get any better now, make one right choice... choose to give rhe reigns of your life to the one who holds your very life in his hands, Jesus God's son who loves you so much that he died to save you from your life of chains. I'll pray that you search for him, the only hope you have left. I love you Emma. Renee

Anonymous said...

You are so much stronger than you think. Coming from a 15 year old girl as I am now, I think you are stunning and perfect and so incredibly strong. I have so much hope that you CAN get better and you are so much better than you think! You have had a very hard life, but you are a lot stronger than most. I have so much faith in you Emma. Love always, from a depressed, anorexic self harmer in the United States.

Anonymous said...

Emma,
You are a true hero as you have helped me to know what I'm getting myself into. You have lived all this time and you will be blessed, my dear. Thank you for your story.

Anonymous said...

hey Emma

I would like to contact you? how do i do that? im in wellington. Im a 30 year old female. Youre story has made me cry. I want to hug you so bad. I have dealt with alot in my life also. But not nearly as much as you have. And you are still here. I find it hard to make freinds also.
My email address is bteniteni@yahoo.com.

I dont like leaving my email address but i would really like to get in touch with you.
I hope you still read this blog?

Anonymous said...

This made me so sad. I'm a teenager and I cut sometimes, but you're story has inspired me to stop. I don't understand the world, there is no Reason people should have to go through such pain. I hope you find happiness. Much love xx

Anonymous said...

I'm also from chch.... have a very similar story to yours. I ended up becoming a health professional and now work on the "other side" so to speak. I think I may have met you actually! The community of chronically sick people like us is pretty small. I just happened upon this after a random Google search for something unrelated and if sort of feels like fate in a way. If you want to get in touch leave your email xx

Medusa said...








This comment was sent to me on my Facebook page:

From: Chanelle Haffenden

10 June 2014 05:47
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Hey Emma, I just wanted to stop by and thank you for sharing your story and speaking out. I am a young Woman from Auckland who has battled demons and as a consequence bear hundreds of self inflicted scars on my body. There is no way near enough support or awareness in our Country for self harm. X