Wednesday, January 5, 2011
"Me, fours years after the photo below...15 pounds heavier and still thinking I was grotesque..."
"Where to begin...sometimes I feel too old or too adult to be going through something like this...not to say that any other girl or woman going through this is not "adult" it was just a lack of a better word...
I am currently 29, a married happy woman with THE MOST beautiful precious 8 month boy in the whole entire world! I am so so proud of him. He is the one thing that really ever keeps me grounded. Even as I type this I am sitting here watching him play...watching his smiles...listening to his laughs...seeing his innocence...and I really hope he is never touched by the cruelties of this world, at least at such a young age as I was....
In first grade I was the typical little girl...even cute really. But I was REALLY tall, so I could always carry more weight. And not to sound cliche, but I am big boned also so I could always carry a bit more weight and still look great and healthy. But one day when my grandmother dropped me off at school, she saw all the "little" girls and said, "Don't you want to be small like them? You are so big and chubby. Why not be sweet like them?" It always stuck with me...and then on I started to gain weight. (I also had another abusive issue that I choose not to share...but looking back it could have prompted some issues I never did choose to address.) Since then I was always overweight throughout grade school and high school. My father certainly never made the issues better...nor the need for me to wear black...dye my hair....and wear the blackest makeup possible!
I do not know what to call myself at times. Sometimes I am "ana," sometimes I am "mia"...and mind you, these terms are so fresh to me. I only discovered the world of "ana" and "mia" a year ago...literally...at least discovering the Internet sensation of EDs. This was when I was 4 months pregnant (and really was sickened by what so many poor girls put themselves through).
When I had my ED there was never any talk of it...never any notion that this was a big problem in our world. I discovered it my senior year of high school in Psychology class. We had a chapter that discussed EDs and it opened my eyes...in a bad way though...like wow...could this work for me?
If I only knew how this disease captures you and keeps you bound to it always. I still remember back to that day in class and thinking "I should try this!" I never binged...I only ate normally...felt so fat and full and threw that up. Why is there very little talk about that? Just a normal meal...maybe even less than what a normal person would eat...but have to purge it as soon as possible. I had a bout with ana too, but it was more so going about my daily life as a normal person would and just having to purge every time...and that was what I did....
In barely a year I went from 280lbs to 140lbs...I lost completely half of myself...like a whole person...and I am 5'9' so really 140 was quite healthy for me. Being heavy almost all my life the attention was wonderful but I never saw "me" at the time...just who I WAS...and no matter all the compliments...I was not happy...but so many people said I looked so thin..so small...so unhealthy....
And I met my (future) husband, and he came from a relationship with a girl who was ana, so I said I would stop, keep myself healthy. I ate well, I worked out, I danced...everything to keep active...and I stayed thin for years and years. I look back on those years and I am dumbfounded!!! In those years of my life I always said, "I am so fat. I am so huge!!" But looking back now, I was so thin, so pretty. I want to find this girl again!
I maintained my weight for years and years. I did gain about 20-25 more pounds before what I call was my "big demise"...but I still looked great...and had my natural beauty to go on....not to toot my own horn! But you never realize how striking and beautiful you are until you are not that anymore....so I did a little "ana" and a little "mia" through out those years...but I kept it at bay..only a few times a week and even less..
I thought I was cured...I was fine...I did not need it anymore. I even spoke to my husband about it a few years before we were married. I told him everything I went through...everything I really thought of myself (cos he got so sick of hearing, "How does this look?" "Do I look fat?" "Did I eat too much. That wasn't bad, right??")
But somehow over those latter years I let myself slip a little. I was heavier than what I wanted when I married.. I hated all my wedding pictures, but I look back NOW and see how gorgeous I was, And our first half a year of marriage was bad for me...bad on myself...feeling awful...feeling fat...even drinking some...and "mia" came back.
My husband caught me a few times. At first I blamed it on drinking, but then he caught me in the actual moment and I was stone cold sober. It was the worst moment in my life because he thought I was fine. I told him I would stop...but I didn't. I had to be more careful, hide it more than what I already did. To this day he is the only one that knows...and now whoever reads this here.
So I was at rock bottom when I found out I was pregnant. I was feeling nausea and threw up after eating because of the "mia" and even throwing up the few times I drank then. And I was even discovered by mom and sister and said I was "sick." They laughed and said, "No! I bet you're preggos!!" Sure enough I was.
I was heavier than I wanted. I was more mentally screwed up than what I wanted to be, and here I was pregnant....and it was the ABSOLUTE best time of my life! I was so so healthy..."ana" and "mia" disappeared...they were gone...NEVER EVER even a thought. And I worked out great...ate great. I even lost weight the first few months and my son was as healthy as could be! I was so happy and optimistic that I would get back to my former self....and I DID!!
"Me at my lowest weight 138...and still thinking I was fat..."
For three months after my son's birth I was perfect....lost all the baby weight (only 27 lbs...right after I had him actually) and then 10lbs. I was on the right track. Then when my poor baby was barely 3 months old we were in a bad car accident. Thank God he was fine. I cried and screamed and said "Let him be fine...give me it all...any health problems...just let him be fine!"
And that was what I got. It started slowly but I gained weight (and even lost my breast milk...no be to gross to you young girls..). To cut a LONG story short, I am currently 20lbs heavier than what I was pregnant. And now I have rediscovered the would of "mia" and "ana." I never wanted to...but I have.
I have so many many joys (my son's first Christmas!) and so many priorities but this is taking priority right now and it is driving me insane to be back here. I thought I was OK. I thought I was going to be even better. And now...now it's back to how I was ten years ago...back to trying to be well. But even the most healthiest of salads I still want to get rid of it...and I do....and I just do not know where to go from here.
Even the mia does not work like it once did. I had tests on my sugar levels...thyroid...etc. And it all came back normal..I am just stuck in this deep dark hole right now. But I have my ray of sunshine...and I have everything to be happy for...and I cannot. I am just eaten up by "ana" and "mia" again.
Long LONG story short...do not let "ana" or "mia" into your life. They will never ever leave. Now I am left trying to pick up the pieces again and find my "old" body. And I laugh...cos I thought I was so soo SOOOO fat then!"
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