Girl at Mirror ~ Norman Rockwell, 1954
I am deeply saddened by many of the stories my readers send me. This young woman's story brought me to tears. The cruelty she suffered in her childhood continues to this day.
I wrote her back last night and she has kindly allowed me to post her letter. As she wrote to me, "Maybe there are many girls out there who feel just the same."
This is her story...
"Hi Medusa:
Two days ago while I was googling pictures of what a 200 pound girl would look like I ran into your blog. The reason I was searching for those images was because I myself reached 200 pounds this year.
I’m 22 years old and my height is 5´7. I desperately looked for pictures in the internet because, as crazy as it sounds, I don’t know what I look like to others. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes see something I like, but then I think it’s just a mirage, because I’ve always felt fat.
I remember when I was a little girl my mom was very concerned about my weight. She blamed my father, my nanny and many of the people around me for my fatness. She asked them not to give me food.
I felt very ugly, fat and unaccepted through all my childhood. She always said I was very very fat and she sometimes said she was disgusted. It was very heartbreaking for me to know my mother didn’t like me as I was. So I felt if she can tell me all those things then everybody can. I thought I deserved that.
But, there was someone who told me every day I was beautiful no matter what, and that was my father. He always told me I was unique and extraordinarily beautiful...he made me feel good, but I knew he was just trying to make me feel good about myself. Sadly, he passed away when I was 11 yrs old, so from that moment on I was left alone with my demanding mom and my judging sister.
I remember my sister telling me my legs were huge, and she was ashamed of me. I remember I went to a party with her and her boyfriend, and when we came back home from the party she told my mom that when I got up in the car, the car bent to the side where I was sat. I overheard her conversation and that is the first time I started to feel very very obese. By that time I was 5´6 and 160 pounds.
I remember times when I tried some of her clothes on just for fun, and when she found out she was outraged and said that they were stretched and ruined forever. She was always bullying me for my weight...it became usual for me to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. I didn’t understand why I didn’t look so fat in the mirror, but they were so sure that I was morbidly obese.
One day I decided I didn’t want to be like that anymore, so I stopped eating, and started chewing gum instead of eating. I didn’t like what I saw. But I knew I was doing wrong to my body and stopped. But as years went by I gained some more weight. And felt even more disgusted with myself than ever.
My mom and my sister said I was never gonna get a date. So when guys tried to talk to me I felt they were just doing it for pity. I even thought they were into very fat girls and thought they were sick. It was a torture, well it still is. I look at my pictures back then and I don’t look as fat as I thought. My mind, then, just saw what it wanted to see, a very large, big girl.
Now, I know I’m very fat. I know it for a fact, judging for my weight. I finally found a boyfriend who likes me very much, but I still don’t understand why. Sometimes I think someone paid him to date me.
I know there are worse stories than mine. Of course, there are so many things I can’t recall right now that have hurt me. But I know I feel very sad.
Sometimes I hurt myself, I slap my own legs and face when I get angry at myself for doing this to myself. It hurts, but in some way that pain makes me forget about the pain I feel inside.
I do have thoughts of killing myself, never tried though. But many times the thought crossed my head.
I’m crying very hard right now. Just telling you all this makes me realize I still feel too much pain.
I found out last year that my mother suffered from bulimia for many years. That made me think maybe she treated me bad because she didn’t want me to be what she feared the most: being fat. She asked me a few months ago if I was ashamed that she had a better figure than me, even though she was much older than me.
Believe me, I feel like there’s no one in the world to catch me when I fall, someone out there to tell me I’m beautiful no matter what, someone to see the good in me. My own mother, the only person I could rely on, is telling me what the rest of the world thinks. If she doesn’t accept me, being my mother, why would anyone else care for me?
I even went through plastic surgery. I got a nose job on her suggestion and a breast augmentation. I feel even bigger.
Please help me. Please, a few words would help me. I read some of the stories on your blog and found out that I'm not actually alone.
I’ve even tried to purge but my body refuses to get the food out. I just can’t do it. And I know I’ll never make it as an anorexic. Just looking at those plus size models, knowing that they weigh as much as I do and they look fabulous, makes me think maybe I’m not thaaaat big. I know I’m big, but maybe I’m not as big as I think.
Your blog is helping me right now.
By the way, my scars were reopened when a friend of my mom, who has a kid who eats a lot, asked her son if he wanted to be as big as me when he grew up just to make him stop eating too much. It hurt me, very much. I've been getting comments like this all the time, but when I see those plus size models being so happy, I wanna try that, I wanna try being happy with what I got. But I can’t help to have bad days.
Thank you for reading this. Just knowing someone out there knows my story makes me feel I’m not so lonely.
Thank you."
I'm sure your reaction will be like mine after reading what this poor young woman has endured. It goes beyond the pale.
I'm hoping you can give her some advice, some inspiration, some hope...because tears are not enough.
"As every day goes by
How can we close our eyes
Until we open up our hearts
We can learn to share
And show how much we care
Right from the moment that we start
Seems like overnight
We see the world in a different light
Somehow our innocence is lost
How can we look away
'cause every single day
We've got to help at any cost
We can bridge the distance
Only we can make the difference
Don't ya know that tears are not enough..."
From Tears are Not Enough by Bryan Adams et al.
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