Monday, March 7, 2011


"I am not sure when it all began but I suppose growing up in a family with an alcoholic father who criticized everything was probably a good start. 

I always remember being bigger than most of the girls. I was never fat, just bigger for my age. I always remember my thighs rubbing  together when I walked and just feeling like I was a giant but clearly I know now I wasn't a giant at all. 

I am 48 years old now and have suffered from Bulimia since the age of 28. I don't remember dieting  much through the years but I did struggle to just maintain. It seemed that no matter what I ate, I never seemed to lose weight and would always gain a little depending on my choices. I could never eat twinkies and cookies and yummy sweet things without paying the price.  

Through my late teens and twenties, I was lost. I did not know how to fit in very well with others. I did not have many friends and was lonely often. I suffered from some depression when I was about 20 or so and have had bouts of anxiety through the years, but nothing that would not allow me to function well. I have always been able to keep going and deal with whatever came my way. 

At the age of 25, I married a man from a prominent family and was propelled into a lifestyle that I had dreamt about but was not quite ready for. I learned to be the best hostess, the best dresses, and the life of the party. I did a good job, but I was not happy. My marriage was not great and I felt like it would not last forever. I became pregnant at 27 and at 7 months pregnant I told my husband at the time that I wanted a divorce.  It was such a sporadic decision but one I have no regret to this day for making. 

Close to the time he moved out, I remember the first time I vomited while I was pregnant. The idea had never even entered my mind my entire life. Once except. It was that day that it all finally hit home and I knew that I just had to stop this madness. 

I am healthy, active, normal size and take very good care of myself except for this destructive behavior. Since that day that my daughter found  me, I can't say that I have not vomited since but I have definitely  taken massive control over this situation and it is a very very rare  time if I do vomit. I still haven't stopped totally as I have since she confronted me and I still need to continue to work on this as I am  not totally "cured", but this problem is definitely one that I  started, continued and have nearly stopped on my own. The power of our brain to change thoughts and behavior is profound and finding the strength deep inside to make the change I believe is highly possible and I believe that I am proof.

I find such great sadness for all who suffer. I know the dark place one must be in to be self-destructive.  I know the world is harsh and the pressures to be perfect are impossible to avoid. But knowing that this world is imperfect one must realize that we as inhabitants are imperfect also and to strive for perfection in a world so imperfect is an idea created by humans but in true nature it does not exist. We must learn to live with the body and mind we were created with and overcome the challenges in life that come our way without fear.

My best wishes to all who seek freedom from self-destruction and for a life of good health and happiness!


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Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story Ruth. I'm glad to hear things are better for you now :) I'm a bulimic,and I'm now on my way to try to get out of it..after 16 years...