I've had anorexia/bulimia for 2 years. It all started simply because of a special k diet, and once I realised this, I was so alarmed by how easily I fell into the cruel world I'm now stuck in.
I was overweight (185lbs at 5'2) and decided I'd go on the diet just for fun with a friend to lose a few pounds. I lost 7lbs in 2 weeks and I was ecstatic. So when my friend had finished she just simply continued on with normal eating, whereas I carried on. It was nothing severe at first, just watching what I ate, everything healthy.
Then by spring 2009 I was eating around 1200 calories and becoming obsessed with exercise. It stayed like that for a few months, until around May I was eating 1000 calories a day with 3 solid hours of exercise. I thought there was nothing wrong with me. I remember not letting myself sleep until I'd done exactly 180 minutes of jogging on the spot, the exact same spot in my room with my ipod on. I'd create playlists that would add up to this time and just jog and jog and jog.
Over the summer holidays, it became worse. I was out all the time and eating on the go or not at all, you could say. I went back to school in September and everyone was staring at me and asking me if I was okay but I couldn't understand why. I wasn't underweight, just the change was so quick. I still thought I was fine.
By October I was eating around 500 calories a day, still with my exercise, and then mid-way through October I got ill with a stomach bug. I was so happy. It was just a quick fix for losing weight. I didn't even need my appetite suppressants. I lost 10lbs in a week.
When I went back to school, my form tutor took me to the side and had a talk with me. She knew what was going on. She had dealt with it in her previous schools. I didn't know what to do. I screamed and cried for hours in her classroom about the fact someone knew about my secret. It's something you never want anyone to find out ever. So she urged me to go to the doctors and I did.
It had now taken me 18 months to accept I had a problem. I had my appointment the first day of the October half term, and I was so scared that I began eating up to 8000 calories a day and just throwing it all back up again. Even after the appointment, it carried on all week. I just couldn't stop.
Then I found laxatives. I started off just taking the recommended dose of 2 and would only take them after binges. I lost all the weight I gained from the binging and purging then went back to my restricting in November. I now weighed about 100lbs at 5'4.
I got referred to Maudsley Eating Disorders Clinic in London in November, but my appointment wasn't until December. So I did all I could to lose as much weight as possible between that time. I was taking about 20 laxatives a day and eating around 200 calories a day. I felt physically dead but I was euphoric about the weight just falling off of me. I'd cling onto my own collar bones obsessively and measure my wrists constantly to make sure they were still small enough. Anyone would think I would want to be heavier for my first weighing, but I just felt I needed to deserve the treatment so I had to be as skinny as possible. By the time I'd gone there, I'd lost a further 10-20lbs and I was emaciated. I still thought I was fat.
I continued losing weight even attending appointments and I was about a pound away from being hospitalised. Then at Christmas I just got so hungry I started eating everything I could see for about 2 weeks. I hated myself for it and attempted suicide twice and self-harmed constantly.
3 months later, and my weight is stable, but I am not. I now weigh 120lbs at 5'4, but my relapses are all too regular.
I think I’m writing this just to show people that it is so much easier to fall into an eating disorder than to get back out again. I was expecting all my psychologists just to wave a magic wand and I'd be able to eat again, but it's far from that. I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy, so it pains me to hear people around me talking about how much they want to be thin. It's not worth it.
Even though I know eating disorders aren't solely around wanting to be thin and fit in a size 0, there's so much more to them, but that's how it starts. Losing weight won’t make your life better. I thought it would mine and it's done completely the opposite.
Much Love, L x”