I believe there truly is life after Ed, and I know that people who struggle with eating disorders read what is on your blog. It's so hard to see ahead of you when you're consumed with an eating disorder. I didn't believe that life could go on normally without it, but hearing other peoples' stories who are in recovery really helped me.
I was holding my grandmother's hand as she passed away. It shattered my heart, and I don't think I'll ever get over that completely. I remember when I was in rehab for my bulimia, she sent me cards and I spoke to her on the phone. She was so proud of me just for getting help and taking the steps to fight something that had become bigger than me. She taught me that life is worth fighting for and living, and watching her slip away made me realize how precious life truly is.
And after a while, it wasn't control at all that I had; I was seriously drowning when I thought I was swimming. It hurts everybody around you. It's ridiculous. I was admitted and hospitalized, I overdosed twice on vodka and sleeping pills. My brother found me and drove me to the hospital the second time. He's my baby brother, but was so strong when I wasn't. It was my worst fear when I was purging, that one of my brothers would be the one who found me when I died from cardiac arrest or when my esophagus or stomach ruptured from binging and purging up to 5 times a day, every day. I was convinced I was supposed to die from it, so I just beat it to the punch. For months, my mother wouldn't leave me home alone because she was so afraid of losing me.
From all the bad things that happened, many good things have come, too. My life didn't begin with bulimia and didn't end when I got help. I am engaged, and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. I thought that I needed to be skinny or perfect to have a guy, but this is so not the case. He's seen me at my most imperfect, selfish, messy, depressed moments and loves me completely and unconditionally. If I'm having a hard day, he asks, "What do you need from me?" And I can tell him. I didn't need bulimia to find him.
I have a fiancee, an apartment, college credits (I'm going back to finish my degree next semester), a life and I didn't need bulimia to get any of those things. And if I slip up or make a mistake, bulimia won't take any of those things away again. Unless I let it. I obsessed and obsessed on the negative and those thoughts automatically moved toward bulimia and depression instead of the positive in my life.
Today, I went out to dinner and played on the Wii with my guy. One day or mistake doesn't dictate who you are, and I'm the first to do something wrong and be like, "I'm a TOTAL failure!" It's a process and when you make a mistake, it's just time to move on instead of obsess and dwell. My fiancee told me it's kinetic energy - it's easy to sit and be depressed, but once you start moving, the hardest part is over, and you can keep going. You just gotta find the strength to pick yourself up.
I bookmarked your site and plan to check it out often to kind of keep myself in check.
Btw, I don't mind if you use my email and name. I think it's wonderful that people can email you, and if somebody is feeling weak, I would rather them have somebody to email and ask questions to rather than be alone with the thoughts.
If you would like to contact Mallory her email address is firstname.lastname@example.org