Sunday, March 13, 2011
CHELSEA'S STORY: "WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR...I SEE WHAT I REALLY AM. A SICK GIRL THAT NEEDS HELP..."
"I haven't ever written to a complete stranger before, nor have I ever really told anyone my story, but I'm hoping that maybe opening up and talking about it might help; if not me then others who might read this if it is posted and decide to turn away from bulimia and self harm before it consumes them. Attached are pictures of some of my scars in regards to burning.
I have been struggling with bulimia for nearly 8 years now. I am only 21 years old, almost 22. When I was younger, I started with the mindset that I wanted to be thin like other girls, but as time went on and I eventually became thin it continued. Over the years it had shifted from a yearning to be 'pretty' to a compulsion.
If I don't purge I begin to get anxious. My heart races and I slip into a temporary depression. If you are thinking that you can control it, you are wrong. When I first started I had the mindset that I would only purge when I felt I ate too much, then it drifted to only purging one meal a day. It continued until I was purging everything I ate for several days. I would only stop purging for a day or two when I started seeing blood in my vomit.
When I started I had heard people say that you can't control it, but I thought I was different. I was convinced that -I- Would be different, that -I- would be able to keep hold of the situation, and even when I was at my lowest I was still convinced that I had it under control.
After a few years I was forced to move in with my father and it became very difficult to purge as I had been, but I still managed to purge at least once a day, twice if I was lucky. That continued until I turned 18 and moved into my own house.
My eating disorder stayed the same for some time, managing to keep 'control' and only purge once or twice a day, but I started to gain weight. I slipped so far, purging until there was blood and then continuing but I still kept gaining weight.
Finally I went to the doctor for another medical problem I had, only to find out that I had PCOS and Diabetes. It was because of my untreated diabetes that the little sugar I was taking in to keep my blood sugar up was instantly turning to fat. I then started medication to treat it and the weight melted away.
My eating disorder seemed to 'balance out' once again, until I lost my insurance. Here we are now. I am 'thick' if that is what you want to call it, yet I purge daily. It is 4:42pm, and I have purged 4 times. I get to feel the pain, to struggle with the physical hurt and mental agony of bulimia, and I don't even get the 'benefit' of being thin.
Not only do I purge on a regular basis, I also burn. I prefer burning over cutting. I have several scars on my upper leg and every time I look at them I am disgusted with myself. They are hideous, and yet I continue to burn. It is an endless cycle. I burn because I have power when I burn. I have control of what causes me pain. I know full well that I have no power over this, but when I am in the mind set to burn all of that reasoning goes out the window. I can sit here and tell you right now that it is stupid. There is no point in burning. It doesn't solve any of my problems, it doesn't change the outcome of things, it doesn't make me feel better. I look at my scars and I am disgusted with myself. If anything, it makes my life worse. Yet I know when I slip into that specific state of mind, when something triggers it and I have the urge to burn, everything I just stated becomes void. My mind works against me, and I press the hot blade against my skin. I become both empowered and pathetic at the same time. It doesn't help.
I wish I wasn't the way I am. I wish my head worked right. I don't like being broken. I am disgusted with my appearance, in regards to both my weight and my scars, even though I have a boyfriend that truly does think I am beautiful. I have had strangers tell me I am pretty. Yet when I look in the mirror I see something that isn't there. I see what I really am. A sick girl, that needs help yet refuses it because I fear it. I no longer have control over this.
If you are reading this, if you are considering becoming bulimic or harming yourself because you think that it will help, don't. If you have already started but still have a thread of hope to hang on to, you can still get help. Get out while you can. This isn't a life to live. It doesn't make you happy, it brings nothing but misery and pain into your life. I know the pain this brings. I know what it is like to be hopeless, and I don't want anyone else to suffer. Hopefully someone will see the truth in my words, or will be able to connect in some way and believe me when I say it is not the path to take.
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