Sunday, July 25, 2010
TMMK'S STORY: "I SEE PEOPLE AT THE WORST PART OF THEIR LIVES, WHO WHEN THEY COME IN ARE A SHADOW OF THEIR PERSONALITY, A SPLINTER THAT IS SHARP AND ROUGH..."
I stumbled upon your site in an effort to better understand myself and the patients I was helping to treat in an eating disorder clinic, where I am a psych tech. Every day I see women who struggle to decide if they want to get better, stay where they are, or end it all. Sites like yours help give me faith that even if the time isn't right for recovery for that person, maybe they will stumble upon yours or another similar site, combine that with past treatment, and get the encouragement and support they need to take back their life and control from their ED monster.
I myself struggle with eating issues and bulimia, which is why I sought a job in this particular field (I am in a place where I am not triggered by my job and am doing well).
I wanted so badly to show to those patients and gentle souls how I really do know how it feels, and that recovery is hard but worth it (but employee mandates require me not to disclose my condition which I understand. their treatment is about them).
But I can say with out a doubt that there are people out there who I have only known for a few weeks or even days who I truly love and wish the best for. If every person treated themselves with the dignity and respect they deserved, and to which they are truly entitled to, seeing the amazing person they are inside and out, I really believe making the choice to choose health and happiness over pain and death would be easier.
So often we want to give friends and family a perfectly pain-free life experience, and take care of all their needs, yet we make the conscious decision to not do so for ourselves (for reasons of guilt, unworthiness or self hatred, etc.) My goal is to always remind people that they are worthy of being taken care of by themselves.
For anyone who is struggling in a treatment center, outpatient therapy, or silently suffering, there are people who care about you, who you have never, and may never, meet in person. My only desire is that you hold on, and know that somewhere in the world there is someone who understands and loves you unconditionally and that those in treatment centers who appear to be "phoning it in" for their job go home and cry when they see the devastation and pain written in people's eyes and on their bodies.
I see people at the worst part of their lives, who when they come in are a shadow of their personality, a splinter that is sharp and rough; who are depressed, angry, hurt, have had sexual, psychological, or physical trauma, and have been carelessly used in ways that are criminally indescribable.
But even when I am yelled at for asking a patient to finish their meal, for asking them to follow a rule or policy, or to just take one more bite, I know that it is worth it. They may decide to refuse their meal. They may decide to cut, to overdose, to act out or tell me directly they hate me, and may even hit me. But I still love them, every one, even if they will never know.
These people are daughters, mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and friends who deserve all the care and respect in the world, and I feel privileged to be a part of the recovery, and healing process, even if the patient isn't ready, yet.
Thank you for your website, for people's stories and for the support you give.
From frozen winters to new life and beauty, recovery is possible and wonderful
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