Friday, May 2, 2008

DEATH ON THE INTERNET: AN ANOREXIC GIRL'S LAST WORDS

The Sick Girl. Edvard Munch, 1896



(Click to enlarge)



Kristi4

For all those who glorify their pro ana/mia lifestyle and for those who are suffering from anorexia, bulimia, and other deadly eating disorders...

After posting her last words in her journal in the wee hours of January 24, 2007, Kristi committed suicide.

These are her last words:

"Saturday, January 27th, 2007
1:19 am
So, just took 3 Clonazepam, 2 Ambien, and 10 Darvon. 30 more Darvon to go if I want to die. I can stop at any time and be fine I think so I haven't make THE decision yet. Not sure why I'm updating - think I'll go watch TV and drink my Hennessy in front of the lovely fire I have going.

12:52 am
Okay, took the Dramamine to prevent vomitting. Takes about an hour to work and then I would be taking all the pills (if I decide that's what I'm doing). Not sure what I'm going to do right now. Guess I'll work on a note to my family after I have a smoke and some more booze.

12:35 am
Well, called my little brother to tell him I loved him (it's 12:30 am). He asked what was wrong and I said I just wanted to hear his voice and let him know how much I loved him. Then I said goodnight and hung up. Called my mom's house, but my stepdad answered so I hung up. That's just as well.

12:07 am
Just got back from the store with my anti-nausea medication, which is the last item I needed to overdose effectivly. Now all that's left is writing the notes and doing it. Why the fuck did I just buy groceries, too? I guess tonight might not be the night?"

After Kristi's final post at 1:19 a.m., these comments arrived on her Journal:

"worrying 2007-01-27 09:28 am UTC
bless you sweet heart. i truly hope you find some sort of peace regardless of the outcome of tonight. "

"king_josie
2007-01-27 09:53 am UTC
please Kristi don't do this. trust me on this one, i might be young and stupid, but there are definitely reasons to keep going. you're such a wonderful awesome person and there's so much hope. the pain of depression and the endless nothingness cant last forever hun. there ARE things that can change. it wont always be like this. there are probably amazing things that can happen in the future for you.

please dont :'( xxxxxxxx
ps, if you ever wanna talk - king_josie@..."

"asti68
2007-01-27 04:00 pm UTC (link)
Sweetheart, you've been so distant in the past month or more. I've seen this decline, and felt so helpless. I'm saddened, but not at all surprised, that it's come to this. I wish you could appreciate that which I, and so many others, see in you. A caring, whitty, philosophical young woman...yearning to make a difference. And the best part is, you HAVE made a difference in the lives of so many young women, through your efforts around here.

Alas, what's done is done. I'm selfishly praying that you awaken soon, incredibly hungover, but ALIVE. I love you like a sister, babe.
Astrid"
Alas, it was too late.

The rest of the 81 comments can be found here:

http://kristi4.livejournal.com/146652.html

Another tragic death, another young life snuffed out...all in the name of thinness.


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13 comments:

OhYeahBabe said...

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. :-(

What a complete waste. I am so sorry for her family and friends.

Medusa said...

OYB, Kristi's last words not only shocked me but left me with such a feeling of hopelessness.

How do you help such a young girl who is hell-bent on self-destruction? What made her take that last step and swallow those last 30 Darvons? What pushed her over the edge? So many questions and, unfortunately, no answers.

I can't imagine what her family went through on hearing she had committed suicide. It's a complete and utter tragedy.

Anonymous said...

A little more about Kristi

An Anorexic Creed

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behaviour.

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.

I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorise them accordingly.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.

I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

Amen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I wrote this creed about six years ago. And when I wrote it, I was already mostly over the attitudes described. I no longer feel this way about myself or my life or food. However, I think that it does give a very accurate depiction of the depths of self hatred felt by many people with an eating disorder.

I've also recently found out that this creed has been adopted by a number of "Pro anorexia" sites, without any attribution or copyright information. If you find such a site, please let me know: I do not condone a pro anorexia attitude nor is this creed intended to express such. I wrote it in order to give other people an understanding into the feelings and thoughts that underlie an eating disorder. I have no affiliations or links with any of the pro-ana sites out there, nor do I recommend this creed as a way of living, even though, in the midst of anorexic starvation, it can seem like the only way to be.
Kristi
----------------------------------
Please read the rest of her journal:
http://kristi4.livejournal.com/

Medusa said...

Thank you, anonymous, for posting Kristi's "Anorexic Creed" and her later comments about it.

Her journal speaks volumes.

Again, many thanks. I hope everyone takes time to read through Kristi's journal.

MrsMenopausal said...

OMG. So unbelievably sad. I'm at a loss for words.
:(

Anonymous said...

MaMaVISION did it first...

http://tinyurl.com/54w5yy

Medusa said...

Thanks for the link, anonymous.

Josie said...

Just a few things....

Kristi wasn't a young girl. She was 34. She'd had eating disorders for over half of her life.
She also wasn't pro-ana. She turned to pro-ana sites out of loneliness and desperation.
She went through the most terrible experiences you could imagine. Just because she had anorexia doesn't mean that she died "just to be thin", it's so much deeper than that.

Anonymous said...

I heard somewhere that this suicide note was a hoax.

Anonymous said...

you have no idea...
she didnt dye just to be thin, she had deeper problems just like all serious anas...
you cannot understand what was going on in her head, you do not know this desise... its always something deeper than just starving.

Anonymous said...

Kristi was a wonderful person, we all still think about her and miss her.
I hope you are at peace Kristi, and the fire is still burning bright.

val said...

I know that this easily could have been my fate and I almost feel guilty that it wasn't. Whether it was for better or for worse, I am still here and I can give credit to one person. He my best friend, one of two. Although I sometimes wish that he hadn't succeeded in saving my life, he did, and I will always remember that. He spent his time and energy saving my life, and the life of my, and his, other best friend. How did he manage to save our lives? He called us every night, sometimes close to tears, and made us promise the we would see him tomorrow. We couldn't lie to him. It was impossible and had we not promised, he would have went straight to an adult and we wouldn't have had time to end our lives before our parents found out. More than once I hesitated to answer, he repeated once, and then I knew he was about to go and tell his parents, and then I promised. Many of those nights would have been my last had he not called. He helped me through everything. He would stay on the phone with me for hours telling me how beautiful I was, and though I never did, and still never will believe him, every time he said it, I looked a little thinner when I looked in the mirror. I wasn't exactly anorexic I suppose. I was never able to lose enough weight, due completely to how much people in my life genuinely care about each other. At home, I had to eat dinner because if I didn't it would be obvious and even at school, when I tried to skip lunch, everyone in my class noticed. It's true I have a class of only 12, but but still I find it amazing that every person noticed, and cared enough to ask and try to get me to eat. One boy said things about me being anorexic several times. Everyone asked why I wouldn't eat at lunch. I love them so much. I'm sorry for getting so off topic. I wanted to simply explain that i understood her pain, or at least I understood the amount of pain that she felt, no one can ever fully understand another person's pain. I wanted to say that i know how it feels to think, or in your mind to know, that death is the only way out, and maybe it really is, but even when you think that no ones cares, someone does. I want to thank again the friend who saved my life. He gave his time, which was so much more valuable than mine, to save my life. He put everything else aside, he stopped hanging out with his other friends, he became disconnected from his family, and for all of this i am sorry. All I can say to him is "Thank you" and "I love you." I have told him these words a million times but there is nothing I could ever say that would express these to the extent i feel and to the extent that they are.

Medusa said...

(((Val)))

How wonderful that you have such a caring, supportive friend.

I'm so glad he was there for you.