Wednesday, December 10, 2008

TO THE GIRL WHO SAID SHE "WANTS" TO BE ANOREXIC...(UPDATED WITH A COMMENT FROM BONYPINK)

anorexia



UPDATE (December 10, 2008):

I'd like to share with you a comment I received from BonyPink early this morning on this post:

"BonyPink said...

Well done post. I have been trapped with anorexia for roughly 25 years and was finally diagnosed terminal because of the permanent damage I've done to my organs.

Tomorrow I am headed into a hospice in hope for improving quality of my remaining life, treatment facilities are no longer an option for me as I am often a case that scares doctors away from taking my case as they fear when I die they will be sued for not being able to do anything to prolong my life.

Anorexia Nervosa has controlled everything in my life since I was a young girl. I had eating issues for years before I was diagnosed, it took me to fall into a coma at 13 and get rushed to the ER before I was finally diagnosed...and given 10 years inpatient. O_o

The cause of my anorexia (and a ridiculous amount of others) was (numerous) sexual assaults throughout my life. I am disgusted by the pro-ED movement, it makes a joke out of everything those who actually ARE eating disordered have been through.

Who the bloody hell would willingly chose this? These idiots no nothing of what real eating disorders are, they are but crash dieters sending large amounts of misinformation only troubling the truly eating disordered population.

(I know I'm going on, and on..)

I used to (when I was able to leave my home, I'm now in a wheelchair and more often bedridden.) go down the block from my apartment and get idiots screaming at me, laughing or taking pictures of me, often telling me "no guy would ever want to have you, you look so disgusting!"

But that was exactly what I (and so many others in this situation) WANTED. To be sexually unappealing.

Sorry for the novel, those buggers just really piss me off.

December 10, 2008 3:02 AM"

(((((BonyPink)))))

******************************



anorexia6.jpg

Isabelle Caro


ORIGINAL POST:

From an ana forum:

"THIS IS TO THE GIRL WHO SAID SHE "WANTS" TO BE ANOREXIC...

So...you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you've read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn't one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total HELL. But, since you want one, I'll go ahead & prep you for it. I'll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn't make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that's all you'll be doing.

anorexia

The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you'll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won't be gorgeous .One thing's for certain. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won't be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn't enjoy it.

anorexia

The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything...or you might be extra lucky...you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren't losing, you'll still be HOOKED. You still won't be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you'll be too far in it to *snap* think "Oh...this isn't working...I think I'll eat again." No...you'll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won't be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you'll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you're not losing any weight, of course). By then you can't eat less though. You're barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can't stop. It isn't working & you still can't stop. & whether its working or not, you won't see the truth. You'll never actually know what you look like. Nope...no matter what you'll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn't lose weight. But don't sit there & think that means you won't be sick. Not true...not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping...well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won't be like that. You won't be one of the failures. You'll be successful; you'll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.

anorexia

Well, since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It's quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won't see it. You'll look in the mirror & see fat. You'll see rolls. You'll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can't be as thin as they are. You'll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you've gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won't get to watch. You'll never see the truth. Others will though. You'll be sickly skinny...but you won't be pretty. & they'll all see that. You won't though...you'll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won't. You'll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won't, so don't think it will. Don't even bother to attempt it. You'll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you're gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you're covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything.

hair loss-anorexia-lanugo

Do you have pretty hair? You won't anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won't. It won't & there's no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won't make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You'll need it. You'll probably be wearing it all the time. You'll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn't a nice color....because it won't be soon. Yes...the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn't it? I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of...oh...dignity to my look.

lanugo-anorexia-hair loss
Lanugo

Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You'll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It's hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They're jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it...I know why though. Its not because they're smart & healthy...no, no. Its because they're weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights but I'm still strong, aren't I? Yes...because I don't eat. & that's true strength, isn't it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup...strong & smart.

I bet you're one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they're fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They'll only break soon anyway.


lanugo-anorexia-hair loss

Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It'll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down.

Also, you'll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you've been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can't have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you're not having sex because you'll never know if you're pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes...you can still get pregnant. I hope you don't love the baby though, because chances are you'll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you...but it was worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though you're not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn't. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well...pregnancy makes you fat anyway.

bulimia-teeth-anorexia
bulimia-teeth

Since you're one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I'll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You're taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don't work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice.

How do you like to sit? Oh...you like your legs crossed? Hmm...too bad. Can't do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn't like what you're used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don't try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea...very painful. Don't stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing.

Fainting is common too. & don't think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother they'll wonder why...and unless they're complete idiots they'll probably know why...especially if you're 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself??

You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds...why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course...oh! I must've forgotten to mention those! Oooh...the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You'll double over to massage the knots out and...what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me...you'll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway...it might make you feel better to pretend there's something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs...you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin...oooh...or don't. Your tummy's too empty; it'll only make you throw up everywhere.

It's worth it right? Anything's worth it, even your hair, nails, bones, muscles, possible children, your family's heart, everything. Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. You're thin now, that's what counts, even though you don't know it.

You'll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.

anorexia-bulimia
Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That's right, you've got that now too. You're exhausted beyond belief but you still can't fall asleep...& when you do you can't stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway.

Do you do well in school? You don't now. You can't concentrate. Your mind won't function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. Your grades will fall. Want to recover? You'll probably have to leave school. How does repeating a grade sound?

Do you like going out with friends? You won't for long. You'll be afraid someone might notice how obese you are. You can't leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes...you're terrified someone might see your repulsive body. You'll become more nervous too. Jittery. You'll also have difficulty talking. Oh...have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory. And you can't go out with friends anyway, so I guess it's a good thing you no longer enjoy it. If you go out with friends they might want to eat! Maybe they'll want to go to a restaurant or the movies. How can you explain that you don't want any popcorn? How can you find an excuse for sitting there at the table sipping Diet Dr. Pepper or nibbling a salad & water while everyone else has cheeseburgers?? You can't. & they might make you eat. You can't do that...no. But why do they want you to eat? Is it because they care? No. Its because they WANT you to be fat!! How dare they?? They're jealous...that's it, they're jealous. Soon you'll realize something. Everyone wants you to be fat. Your parents, your siblings, teachers, friends. The world is against you & they all want you to spiral into morbid obesity. Get away from them. All of them. They don't understand & they're plotting your downfall. You can't have that, you can't lose this. Every time someone urges you to eat or recover "for your health" you know the truth. They hate you & want you to be fat. Push them away. Push away all the people who love you. That's the only way you'll ever be thin.


Hila Elmalich-anorexia-death

Israeli model, Hila Elmalich, RIP




Isabelle Caro

But one day this will be over. One day you will either die or recover. Death is easier. First you'll have to admit you need help (that is, on the chance that you haven't been forced into recovery...recovery that will not work until you cooperate). This is one of the hardest things you've ever done. Maybe you'll tell your mom. She might be wonderfully supportive, she might've already known. Or maybe she won't think you have a real problem. Then you're on your own. Maybe you'll tell your doctor. & if you tell your mom, she'll take you to a doctor. Then its better. You're safe now, they'll help you. They'll understand. Wrong. A degree is not an insurance against ignorance. & speaking of insurance, it only pays so much on mental health problems. And ED treatment costs are outrageous. So, even if you find a doctor that knows his ass from a hole in the ground you might not be able to get help. You might not be able to afford it.

As you recover, your school might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won't understand either. Their comments will hurt, you'll want to scream when they ask why you don't just eat. They might call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try to become anorexic too...but then, you've been there. You wanted to be anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it now, but it's too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die...& fighting it is the hardest thing you've ever done. You'll put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic & want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you'll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you'll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube. Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you'll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder.

After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you've eaten right for months & months your body still isn't the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you'll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I'm not talking about the physical pain. That's the only pain I described, because it's the only part that's describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It's unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation...

WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you're still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won't be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won't steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you'll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don't control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don't even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None.

Do you honestly think that you'll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn't work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There's nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it.


Luisel Ramos-funeral-father

Father of sisters Luisel Ramos and Eleana (aka Eliana) Ramos, who both died from anorexia, at the funeral of Eleana



Eliana Ramos-Eleana Ramos

Eleana Ramos, RIP



Luisel Ramos

Luisel Ramos, RIP


Do you want to look at your family's faces & know that you're killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they're dying & KNOWING that there's NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you'll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you're starving yourself you won't see that anguish. You won't be able to. You can't see anything, you're too self absorbed. You're too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You'll see it when you recover though & you'll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You'll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it...& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life. You'll hate yourself.

bulimia-death-ruptured-stomach

Young girl who died from a ruptured stomach

(See: ARE YOU ANOREXIC / BULIMIC / PRO ANA / PRO MIA ?)

But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you've likely just signed your own death warrant...& you likely don't even care...yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you'd give anything to take it all back. But it's too late, because by the time you're in deep enough to care, you're already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.

This is the reality of anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you've ever lived before & you will never be the same."

~~~~~~~~~~

The section, QUICKLINKS TO MEDUSA'S POSTS ON EATING DISORDERS, on the right-hand side of my blog has other posts on Luisel & Eleana Ramos, Hila Elmalich, Isabelle Caro, Ana Carolina Reston, Aimee Moore, lanugo (facial & body hair), etc.

Follow on Buzz

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

beautifuly written, so sad and so so so true.

Good People needing jobs said...

I cried when I read this, b/c it is so true. Even when you think it's over it's still there.

Anonymous said...

thank you

Anonymous said...

Crying .. You've just taken all my thoughts and poured them out on paper ! Sad but nevertheless true :'(

Medusa said...

(((Anonymous)))

I just wanted to let you know that the author of that amazing post is unknown to me. I came across it on an ana form where it had been copied from somewhere else.

If anyone knows the author's name, I would be delighted to give her/him proper attribution. Many thanks.

Alice said...

The writing, although not yours, is true, I believe, but ..

I've been there - just two years ago I raised the amount of my workouts moderately, and regulated my eating a bit more. I did that fora while, actually for quite a while, I'd say at least two months. Well, during that period I started to exercise more and eat less. There was no result, I was kind of disappointed but already used to this kind of life, I decided to proceed.

I reduced the amount of foods in my menu and exercising was my obsession, every spare moment I spent biking, running, doing sit-ups etc.

I really never saw I was thin. Then came summer holidays. I enjoyed summer, and I felt extremely attractive. I was very outgoing and although there were things I just couldn't do as I was too tired, I squeezed the maximum out of my strength. I rarely dared to eat, I lied all the time about all the food I had eaten, I talked a lot about food, and I always compared myself with people who were way fatter than me and thought I wish I could be something like that.

I intensionally didn't buy clothes, I mean size 10 c'mon! Once I went shopping with my sister, she was tremendously jellous of me being skinnier, I denied it. I took one dress, size 10, and entered the cabin. When I put on´the dress I discovered,it was a little big, so I exchanged it to size 8. Still too big, so I took the ultimate challange and exchanged it again - size 0. Well, almost. I remember I smiled, it was, as well, too big.

Autumn, and school. Everyone was surprised, what has happened to you? they asked. I thuoght they said it positively, but still I didn't answer them, at the same time, they were discussing my state behind my back, they never told me.

One day my class teacher said she'd tell my father if I didn't do anything with myself. I didn't understand what she was talking about, it was her first mention. She explained, and she kindof yelled at me. I understood she wanted me to gain weight. No way! I begged she wouldn't tell my parents (although I lived, and still do, with my parents, they kind of didn't pay too much attention. Of course, I had never been so thin, but as I was "OK" they thought I was OK too, besides, I always talked how Ihad eaten puonds of chocolate).

Next day my French class teacher asked me, as I was on my way out of class, if she could ask a question from me. I said I didn't want her to but she asked anyways, she asked how much I weighed. I said I didn't want to answer. She offered she could make a few guesses, and I could nod if she was close. Andalready she made her guesses: a little under 100 lbs .. and I nodded, walked out of the class. Actually I was round 80 lbs.

And the next day, I asked her, my French calss teacher, why she had wanted to know and had it been my class teacher who had "assigned" her to ask. But shesaid it was just curiosity, because I looked so tiny and cute. But I guess she had actually understood the case.

Just a week later, some teachers had sent e-mails/made phonecalls to my parents, saying I didn't look normal.

My parents started forcing me to eat, it was already new year by then, I fortunately managed to lose a few more pounds during Christmas. Actually, I hardly dared to swallow - it was calories; insomnia didn't other me, but I went to bed really late and woke up after scarcely 3-4 hours of sleep - to burn more calories; everywhere were possible I stood - sitting is like resting, but I needed workout.

I hated eating, and when I was forced to eat - they forced me until they saw my belly was like I were pregnant, seriously. I was stuffed with chocolate and bread-and-butter, sweets - everything to make me normal as quickly as possible. I remember the feeling, I didn't know anymore how much is normal - should I feel sick every time I've finished eating? But I couldn't stand that, and I couldn't not eat - they were standing and watching, I was crying and eating. I wished I was dead.

My parents refused to provide me with psychologist, they said it would be reflecteed in my medical record and I couldn't get the job i might want in the future. I begged them, I didn't stand them doing it, controlling me, they were doing everything wrong, and I was getting obese.

Finally, after talking with my French class teacher and school psychologist, my mom found a psychologist of eating disorders.

By that time, they had already stuffed me with chocolates, so that I hated myself, I looked disgusting, although I weighed 132 lbs (about the point where I started from). I didn't do well in school, at all, I didn't go to training; all I did was crying, and eating. I thought it was my payback for them, although I thought Iwould throw up any second all day long, I ate, really much.

Seeing the psychologist didn't help much at first. I thought I was too fat already, my parents got what they wanted, and I thought it was pointless to start controlling my weight with the help of the psychologist when I had to reduce the weight in a normal tempo. Ibelieved it could have been of use when I had started my seances with my psychologist when I was a bone.

I gained more weight, I grew even more unhappy.
I could be in my "dream-state" for about a year.

But now, I am about 160 lbs. I HATE myself, I HATE that I didn't die of anorexia, I HATE my parents for "helping" me. But I am not strong enough to do it again, it won't work well - besides me being too weak (mentally, I guess), my parents control me, my friends remind me I was awful. For them I was, but I miss that time. I cry when I see the pictures of that period - so beautiful, I remind that it felt so good going shopping and findin out that all the clothes were fit or too big. I loved to wear clothes, I loved exercising.

Now, I cry, a lot, and eat a lot too. I am seeing my psychologist but I don't believe in myself, I guess taht doesn't help me improve there. I loved, back then, when people said I was cute, or I was like an angel, or that I am so thin. There were people, who I could fool, or they just didn't kow me too well, or my new acquaintances.

Later, well - now, I am embarrassed to see them, or to be with them. I don't enjoy being at parties - I feel melancholic and deep urge to be dead.

I'm afraid of eating when other people see, it is getting better, as a matter of fact, actually, but I still cannot eat when my French class teacher or class-teacher see. I'm trying to control my eating, and it goes like waves - sometmes I can, sometimes I cannot. I don't enjoy exercising. All that for a simple reason - death would be the best solution, no it is not giving up, for me, it is happiness.

I hate to see when other people succeed to lose weight, because that is what I want, but I am just too weak(**** I HATE MYSELF)

I want to be skinny, why didn't I die when I was happy? Because there are people who care? I don't care .. much, Imean, I won't commit a suicide, for I feel I'd betray my family, I won't make them happy. But I'm not happy too, I think I never will be.

Medusa said...

Oh, Alice, I wish there was something I could do to make your pain go away. Your post broke my heart.

I am begging you to please go to the website, We Bite Back and join their forum. There you will find other young women who have struggled (and many still struggling) just like you. The members there will give you all the support in the world.

I have referred quite a few people there and they have all said it was so wonderful to have met others who were going through the same things they were.

Hugs to you, sweetheart. I'll be thinking of you. Please keep in touch.

Sending positive, healing thoughts your way.

~ Medusa

Sara said...

Oh, Alice, your comment was so heartbreaking, and I so feel for you. This is such a hard monster to fight, and it makes it so much harder when you feel like you have no one to talk to because you look normal on the outside even though you're in so much pain on the inside.

I ran across your comment here because I hang out at the forum Medusa mentioned, We Bite Back. I want to tell you what a wonderful resource it's been for me in my recovery. There are so many amazing, caring, loving, accepting people who've stood by me and supported me through so much. In the time I've been a member there, I've gone from very underweight to overweight to underweight again, and now (after a stint in IP), I'm back at a normal, healthy weight. Through all of it, I've had support and encouragement and acceptance and understanding from the people at WBB. It's a very positive and life-affirming place.

One fear of mine about recovering that seems like it might be relevant to mention is I was terrified that if I gave up my eating disorders, I wouldn't have any support anymore. I don't know if that resonates with you at all, but it meant SO much to me to have my friends at WBB who were always there to listen and support me, no matter what behaviors I was or wasn't using. I've met up with several of them in "real life," and one member even came to visit me several times while I was in IP.

I say all this in hopes that you'll find a way to reach out to us and not have to stay so alone in your pain. There are people who want so much to support you. I really hope you'll allow us to be part of that for you.

Sending you lots of compassion and good thoughts.

--Sara

Medusa said...

(((Sara)))

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and caring post to Alice.

I hope with all my heart she joins you and the other amazing members of
We Bite Back.

All the very best to you, Sara.

~ Medusa

Tess said...

Thank you for posting this!!
People need to know what hell eating disorders are.
I've struggled with them for nearly 11 years and it saddens me to see all that pro-ana bullshit.
<3

And Alice... I'm also on We Bite Back. I strongly recommend it! =)

Alexandra said...

Alice, my heart goes out to you. I know how you feel.

I'm also on We Bite Back. I hope you join because I'd like to hope it will help you, as it's helped me

*hugs*

Medusa said...

Tess and Alexandra, thank you both so much for your comments.

Alice said...

Lot of thanks, I appreciate your will to help me. I don't know what to think, yet.
I guess I'll create another blog in english (for myself) where I'll begin writing down my menus or smth, well calorie-intakes, and thoughts. I'd try everything just to be happy and pleased with myself.. it is just so hard.

Thank you.

Medusa said...

(((Alice)))

I do hope you will join We Bite Back and check out their forums to see that there are other young women just like yourself and many who are in recovery.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best...

Hugs,
Medusa

Wolf said...

I really like your text, it almost made me cry.
As some others before me, I just wanted to say: you´re welcome to join us at webiteback.com
*hugs*

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you, and all women (and men) who have either suffered from or dealt with a loved one's anorexia and/or bulemia. This is so beautifully written and such an honest and candid story; it should be told in fashion magazines and medical journals alike.

I have never had an eating disorder, but I completely understand the mentality that drives anorexia. I have never been outside the "healthy" BMI/weight range (in fact, I have never gained or lost more than 15 pounds), yet have flogged myself for gaining ten pounds. I have refused to buy myself clothes because I don't "deserve" them. I have forced myself to maintain a 1200 calorie/day diet while exercising incessantly to get back to where I was at 16. And then I remind myself that this is compulsive behavior that could quickly evolve into an eating disorder, and I go back to "normal," striving to exercise and eat moderately. I struggle with plenty of neuroses, but I know I cannot even begin to understand how one lives with such an intense struggle as a serious eating disorder.

Someone extremely close to me suffered from anorexia nervosa, but her behavioral patterns were caught early and after hospitalization and years of therapy, she has come to accept (though admittedly not love) her body. She is healthy and gorgeous...most women would envy her natural beauty, but even at her best, she will never see this.

Another friend is a former model whose self-confidence never seemed to be an issue...she was naturally skinny and exceptionally bright, so she modeled part-time until she "aged" in the eyes of the modeling world, around her late 20's. By then, she was a respected professional whose career was both lucrative and rising with her reputation, but she fell apart. I fear she will not recover.

This society is far too consumed with a bizarre conception of "beauty," and it has only gotten worse...I really think "skinny" jeans have actually taken a toll on the general psyche of women everywhere. I see acquaintances and colleagues obsessing about what they eat and adopting awful binge and starve patterns...and these aren't even women you'd consider struck with eating disorders.

I am an aspiring physician who has worked in the medical field. I worked with plastic surgeons who enabled and even encouraged body dysmorphic disorder. I have gone to (beyond improper or even legal) lengths to discourage already thin patients about to undergo liposuction, abdominoplasty, etc. to reconsider their choices only a few minutes before the anesthesiologist was prepared to administer anesthesia for the surgery. Rarely was I successful, but I felt compelled to do my own small part in making these patients realize that they were already beautiful.

And I heard plenty of stories from ethical plastic and reconstructive surgeons who turned away patients suffering from BDD. I've also heard stories about patients who were psychologically "healthy" and had "realistic" perceptions about the benefits of various aesthetic procedures who returned five years after surgery at 80 pounds, requesting liposuction and various "tucks" for all the loose skin accumulating after dramatic weight loss.

There are so many stories that have persuaded me to pursue this cause, but I can't say more without risking revealing my identity in some part, to someone. But I have dealt with eating disorders (overeating, undereating, and everywhere in between) so much that I hope that I will become a physician who can address these issues on a meaningful level. On an overall scale, I believe all eating disorders are at the root of a disproportionate percentage of the health problems here and in most of the world. Where they aren't, lack of food and clean drinking water still prove to be the worst public health issues.

I guess I'm writing here for two reasons. One is to let you all know that not all doctors have their heads firmly lodged up their asses. The second is to ask how you think I (and others) may be able to help. I want to know what does and does not work. I empathize, and I've had my own issues, but I haven't really been there, so to speak.

Thank you for any advice you may be able and/or willing to offer to someone who hopes to someday make some difference.

Anonymous said...

instead of bringing me to tears i can honestly say i felt shivers down my spine.it is scary. i had to get up at one moment and take a shower, i felt dirty. this post had an affect on me, and no i dont want to sound clishe' cause i know it sounds so, but i would like to say even with this people will not change their minds guilty for being one of them.
i started purging (and i know this is a post on anorexia but its common to bulimia in my opinion) about a year and a month ago , i used to way i kid u not 211lbs that is the most i've ever weighed in my life and im 5'10 im a guy aswell. my weight got outta control maybe it was the holidays that did it or maybe it was just my obbsesion with food. i felt disgusted and of course being homosexual , i felt alot of presure to be perfect. dont get me wrong i dont want to sound vapid or shallow but i have always been a pretty confident guy the only thing i felt was horrible about me and still do is my weight.anywho going on, january came along and i had to do something about my weight so i decided to start throwing up!
i had tried it once just to see if i were to take it about 2 years before that and it dsgusted me so i never did it again until then. at first i would do it about once a day or even about 4 times a week (wouldnt do it after everymeal the first month) so i started getting compliments that i had lost weigth allegedly i didnt think i had lost anything! but then i started working at a restaurant and it was easy for me to just stop eating. i would get up for work , i wouldnt eat after i got off because i was embarrased to eat ifront of others so i would just go home and knock out! i would do this or go on a 3 day fast if you will and i loved it never felt better i used to do this about 3 times a month. then i got fired from work and started eating again (being home alot and what not) so i made it a habit to binge and purge twice a day everyday and i shed pounds quick! i started getting compliments from everywhere ,guys actually went up to me and i was very naive and loved the attention so i would go home with a guy every night i went out!
that is besides the point, sticking to my story, i became obssed with weight loss and kept on and on up until now. but now the feed back i get is negative about my weight . they are telling me i look sick skinny scary skinny anorexic skinny the list goes on and on. at first i was honesltly gratefull for those comments but now i just dont know. i cant stop its horrifing. my mother knows, she cries to me begging me to stop. i cant i cant im NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO STOP! i still actually dont feel skinny but theres times when i think im seeing myself diffrently from what people see in my exterior and it scares me I WANT TO STOP. oh what am i whining about i dont i see magazines of celebs and being scary skinni and i want that i do i see it and my mouth waters. it shouldnt but it happens. im at 135 now and for my height people think its under weight . i hoeslty feel im going to die for skinny its not a pretty sight and i hate myself for saying that but i cant stop , and the post wont stop poeple from doing it which is the sad part but maybe it will help peopple think twice about doin it or those who have just started thanx !

Victoria said...

Dear Medusa,
I'm speechless. And I don't know what other to say than thank you.
I have not suffered for such a long time, maybe 2 years and a half, but went through depression and a suicide attempt. After that, anti-depressants and therapy until today.
Like Alice, I lost weight rapidly first, and then gained. And gained. And gained. These days, I just feel so fed up. One week it works, I lose up to 10 punds, next week I gain them back - but what do I say. As if you didn't know.
I just thought I'd say thank you, because for the first time in these two years and a half of unbearable agony I am seriously considering recovery. And this post brought me a huge step closer towards it.
I don't see how I'll ever be okay. I know I'll never be skinny, but I cannot stay like this either.
I just came out to my parents big time about 30 minutes ago. They knew before, but I've made clear again how I feel, and they are not forcing, but encourageing me to seek treatment. Maybe I will.
And still, all I will be doing tomorrow is sleeping to avoid eating.
How pathetic.
Thank you nonetheless. Your blog is incredible and did a lot for me already. You will be rewarded someday.

With all her heart,
Victoria

Medusa said...

To Anonymous who posted on February 13, 2009 2:35 AM...

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It was a wonderful read.

The world will be a better place when you attain your goal of becoming a physician who deals with eating disorders.

Kudos to you, and I wish you every success in the world in reaching your goal.

Medusa

Medusa said...

To Anonymous who posted on February 28, 2009 at 6:15 AM:

My heart breaks when I read of your struggle. Bingeing and purging is so deadly.

Please check out the website, We Bite Back (http://www.webiteback.com) and join the forums. You will receive wonderful support there from members who are in recovery from bulimia, and who know what you're going through. It's a wonderful website and many I've referred there are now in recovery.

Wishing you all the very best...

Medusa

Medusa said...

Dearest Victoria,

I can't thank you enough for your very kind words.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Difficult as it was for you, I'm so glad you told your parents about your ED.

Please seek treatment as soon as possible, Victoria. It will only become more difficult to recover as time goes by.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. And again, thanks so much for your lovely comments. They did my heart good.

Thinking of you and sending positive, healing thoughts your way...

Medusa

Lisa said...

I'm poking around on the internet about eating disorders and Hollywoods unrealistic ridiculous standards of beauty and your post really inspires me. To everyone who posted: You're incredibly brave
to post it out in the open like this and I admire your character. You all seem like such beautiful people.
Fortunately, I have never had an eating disorder but I'm a curvacious girl who at points has considered fasting. This really opens my eyes, I knew about the dangers but not the lasting mental affects. It really touched me, especially since I'm part of the new generation who is so easily exposed to this kind of thing.
I hope this will open the eyes of others as it did me and I appreciate the effort. xoxo

Medusa said...

Lisa, thank you for your lovely comments. I appreciate it so much.

~ Medusa

Anonymous said...

"This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through starving."

God...this is me! It is so true. I've been weight-restored for about 10 years, and yet it's always been there, lurking. At the moment, I'm struggling really bad which is what brought me to this forum. You never truly shake it. Just like the article says, something happens in your life and you relapse.

Anonymous said...

wow. this has got to be one of the first true articles i have ever read on the subject. i used to be pretty much everything described, and not because it started out that i wanted to be anorexic. it started with a few pounds, but the dieting never stopped. went down to 100 calories a day, didn't even drink since water was heavy on my stomach. i passed out about once a day, lost half of all my hair, ended it with kidney disease and the gaining back of 10 pounds. even when i did recover it took about 5 months before i could even hold down an apple without puking it back up due to my stomach shrinking so small. but for once someone in my life wasn't calling me fat, or beating me up, and if it wasn't for him i would still be doing it to myself. sadly, not everyone ends so happily as that. that's what makes this article so sad and true to me. thanks for it, media should print more shit like this. ;D

Brooke said...

The truth scares me. It's hard to believe people put themselves through self - torture just to be thin and "perfect". I've gone through that phase of wanting to be thin via Ana. But I was just seeking attention and told people about it. Now I have gone back into the habit of wanting to lose weight. I'm proud that I have started out from 14Olbs and am now down to 117lbs. It's still a change. But the way I got to lose so much. Was bulimia. It started out with curiosity. I wondered what it would be like. I didn't think it was true you could put your finger down your throat and make magic happen. So I tried it. And it worked. I then thought to myself I would never do it again. About a year or so later. I ate a hell of a lot one day. So I thought that there was NO possible way I wanted to wake up and be 1Olbs more. So I tried it and threw up. After that I started talking to this guy. He was pretty big at the start of the year (18Olbs and is now down to 14O or 13O something) We started talking and I started hanging out with him. I asked him how he did it and he said he starves himself and smokes. So me, the good girl that I am, become kind of hesitant about it. But one night I decide. Oh hey, I'm so desperate, screw it! So I go over to his house. And I try a cigarette. And I like it. So every weekend for about three or four weeks I go over and smoke with him. Then we kind of drift away but maybe soon I will go over again. But anyway. Within some time frame I start throwing up more and more and more and more. Chaos. I. Can't. Stop. It feels like it's the only thing in my life that I can control. I hate the feeling of being full. My friends talk about all these stories they hear. They joked about me being bulimic once. I freaked and ran to the bathroom to hide. One time a couple days ago. I almost thought about doing it at school. I told my friend but I don't know if I'm ready to stop it quite yet. I'm just scared. And I know that reading what you wrote is meant to discourage people. For me, it's making me want to try being anorexic. I don't like that one bit. Not at all. I want help. But there is nobody I can tell besides my one friend. But she is so "We're going to get through this" and maybe it's just going a little too fast for me. I don't know what to do. My throat hurts every day. I've lost my voice. I'm probably going to get cancer from being addicted to smoking soon. And I just can't stand it! D: Bulimia is not fun. I'd rather be ana right about now. And I'm scared. I've completely ruined my life. (I know I'm typing a lot. But I'm fast, it's a habit to fit as much as I can.) I totally lost my point somewhere across what I was saying. I guess I just needed to tell someone because I want this to stop oh-so-much. Yet, I want to be thin at the same time. Why must life be like this? D: I blame the media and myself for falling into their trap. Someone help me please. D:

Medusa said...

(((Brooke)))

I am so worried for you.

Please visit We Bite Back It's a wonderful website that has a forum where young women like yourself are struggling with bulimia and anorexia. There are recovered members there who will give you so much help with the issues you're facing.

Sending you love and hoping you'll get the help you need at We Bite Back.

Medusa

Anonymous said...

what must have been going through her mind to possibly want this?
that is just wrong.
ive had an eating disorder for over a year now and its, well there is no word for it really. its horible, the mind is the worste weapon that was ever created. oh and by the way, i like the way you written that, you told the story of millions so well, perfectly.

Amy said...

I cried so much when i read this. It is beautifully written, it is so true. I can't tell you how much it made me feel understood. It will always be here, but its by paying attention to things like this and people like this author that will help so many to begin or even contemplate recovery. That is an accomplishment in itself.
Thank you

Anonymous said...

i want to thank you so very much for writing this. i used to be bulimic, and while all the symptoms aren't the same, the ones that count are. it truly is hell, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
i truly hope girls who think this is a glamorous path read this article and realize just how awful it really is

Anonymous said...

I came across this site when doing a research about size zero. And I've been holding back not to cry reading this story and Alice's story. I am so sorry to read all of this.
I am far from size zero and anorexia. I'll probably never be slim. But I don't care. I like food way too much to do anything about it. And it's heartbreaking for me to see and read that there are girls (and guys) out there who hate their body so much that they can do this. I had no clue you would gain so much pain. And that it would be with you forever.
I am against the whole size zero image the media created. But I have to be for it in a debate. I am so ashamed to be for it. Especially after reading this. It'll be so hard to find any arguments pro size zero now.
I wish all of you the best. I am really going to save this story. Just in case..
I really hope everyone will recover and that people will find help before they start all this.

Robert Fish said...

this is pointless.
im sorry, but to me it seems this post does nothing but console those who have already recovered from anorexia, or those who are very far along in the disease. oh fuck it, anorexia's not a DISEASE. You cant catch it! its a fucking DISORDER! There is a difference. Disorders are developed in the mind, thought and brain. Diseases are caused by cells, bacteria, and the like. Im a medical student and it pisses me off when i hear people say that anorexia is a disease. I bet you say alcoholism and addiction is a disease too.
But anyway, I suffered from an eating disorder, and still do, and honestly it did and does not affect me in any way when i read things like this. In fact, when most anorexics read this, they think, "oh, but that wont happen to me." None of them think about their HEALTH. All they are thinking about is their APPEARANCE. They are obsessed with it, they want to change it, and they will rest at nothing to do so.
We all do it for different reasons. Some want to be thinner. Some want to be prettier. Some have been abused. Some are just depressed (in that case its not anorexia, unless they are obsessed with their appearance) Some want attention. Some want to die. And there are many more reasons....
Personally, I started my 'diet' because I'm gay, and have always dillegently tried to look more like a boy, long and thin, instead of a girl, full bodied and feminine. Although i love the female figure, i absolutely hate it on myself. So, after seeing pictures of anorexic women, whose bodies closely resembled the bodies of boys, flat chested and thin, I decided that i wanted to be the same. Although i had heard all about the downsides of this disorder, i did not care. I wanted to change my appearance. I wanted to be skeletal. And now i am. At 5'6 and 90 lbs, (healthy weight: 125lb) I am basically a skeleton with muscles. My legs are all muscle, and the rest of me is all bone. I love my appearance and so does my girlfriend. I have been at this weight since I was thirteen. I am twenty one now.
Yes, I admit that i am not the picture of health. My hair does fall out. I have to take special pills just to make it grow in at a normal rate. I do have a low bp. I am tired most of the time. But coffee and caffiene pills easily fix that. I do suffer from insomnia. But there are sleeping pills that i take that help me get to sleep. I do have brittle bones. I broke my ankle just trying to go running with my girlfriend. But that can be dealt with too, i just simply avoid high impact exercise. I am sensitive to light. I have to wear sunglasses all the time. I am sensitive to cold. So I simply wear a jacket at all times, and eat warm foods and drinks. I have been threatened with hospitalization. But honestly, you cannot be hospitalized without your permission. It is illegal for someone to hospitalize you without your consent. So I have a lawyer. He's ready to help me sue any hospital that dares hospitalize me for anorexia.
Yes, anorexia is awful. For some people. Honestly, there are some of us who enjoy it.
Im sorry for saying this. Im not looking for attention, and im not trying to put down what your article is about, because im sure that it came from a good place.
I know im gonna get a lot of hate for this, but i dont care. Hate is an emotion. And anorexia is an emotionless disorder. In fact, I endorse hate mail. Please, email me, at haleyplemons@yahoo.com. I look forward to hearing your reactions.

help_me_please said...

medusa if you wouldn't mind i would really like to keep in touch, i am a 12 year old girl living in chicago, when i was really young (from when i was born up til i was about 8) i was way to skinny but i wasn't anorexic or bulimic or anything like that... but now i guess i am a rather normal size person... but its really weird... now i am not saying this about all the stuff on this post but more things like distorted self image and mostly being obsessed with weight i am basicly anorexic without actually being severely underweight... i am 4' 11" and weigh 85 lbs (bmi of 17.1) i normaly check my weight about 3 or 4 times a day and i check my bmi everytime i go on the computer i know this is wrong but i am also obsessed with knowing my friends weight and making sure that i weigh less than them even if they are shorter than me but anyway i would so deeply be love to be able to talk to some one that i didn't already know about my feelings about weight and myself so i check this post all the time so you could comment back and we could find a way to chat thanks so much for the post

Medusa said...

(((help_me_please)))

There's a wonderful forum at the website, We Bite Back, where young members, who have suffered (or are suffering) from eating disorders, body dysmorphia, etc., help those who are struggling with weight and body image. I have referred many girls and young women there and they love it. They have made many new friends in the forum there and are able to discuss their feelings openly with others. You will receive tremendous support there.

Here's the link to the website and forum: http://www.webiteback.com/ There is also a clickable link to it in the right-hand column of this page.

Sending you love and hugs,

Medusa

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have tears in my eyes now. I have been previously bulemic and going down the path of Anorexia quite drastically. I recovered and i have been eating well for almost a year now. Lately i have really noticed how much weight i have put on since my 'glory days'. I Have slowly been easing into dieting and starving myself. I have been suffering from insomnia and mood swings and i have no concentration any more. Every time i see myself i see a fat person that needs to loose weight. So i went on the internet to get motivational pictures of skinny girls. I came across this blog by chance and read it. I am so glad i did. It really woke me up. I realise what i am doing to my friends, family and my own body. Not to mention how it is effecting my school work, which is top priority. I don't want my younger sisters to go through this hell, because i remember when i was verging anorexia they used to comment how skinny i was. It didn't really hit me back then, what i was really doing. It was more like an achievement. I was impressed with the numbers and facts i could pull off about my weight and eating that made eveyone cringe. I was considering getting back into bulemia and furious work outs. After reading that... *sigh* after all this time, suffering, pain and waste of my life. I have truely seen some light. I feel like i am on the road to recovery. Its a long way to go but i feel as if i have made a good start. Thankyou, deeply. :)

Medusa said...

(((Anonymous)))

Congratulations on your recovery, and thank you so much for sharing what you've been going through. It's so easy to slip back into disordered eating.

Starving not only puts your body into "stavation mode" where you will cease to lose weight, but serious damage can occur to your internal organs, including your heart.

If you are concerned about your weight gain, please speak with your family doctor or a dietician.

Sending hugs and best wishes your way...

~ Medusa

Brandee said...

wow well said! Awesome post. I have been 40 to 50 pounds underweight and climbing out of it now. Reading that gave me so many flashes over the last 20 years of being "in it" and not seeing it. To truly "succeed" at anorexia is to be dead because no matter the weight you never see it when in it! I wont go into my horror stories as someday will post on my blog as to where I have been but it's been true hell.
It's still a struggle now but the more I read your blog entries and relate, the more I am just done with anorexia and strive for recovery.
even reading this I am "feeling fat" even though fat not a feeling. I am even freaking a bit because I am starting to feel hunger again after years of not but I am too afraid of death and have had too many health problems, hospitalizatons, and scares to stay in the disorder. my boys need their mother too and they are so much more important than anorexia.
Recovery is by no means easy. I just have a better attitude about it now.
Thanks for your blog Medusa!
((hugs))
Brandee

Pandy said...

I want to thank you for posting this. I'm so tired of people treating ED with kid gloves.
They need to the CONSEQUENCES of their actions.

Medusa said...

Thanks, Pandy, for your comment. I appreciate it.

~ Medusa

Toni said...

okay. while all that information stands true, as horrifying as it is... i am a big girl who is willing to go through anything to not be fat any more. i've gone through many crash courses throughout my life that brought me closer to my goal weight. i never get there because of this anti pro-ana hype.
the truth is disgusting.
but for me, so is being my same fat self.
i know i'm sick in the head.
but i won't feel better until i feel beautiful. and beautiful on me should only carry 150lbs.

Anonymous said...

Toni-- trust me you don't want to go through all of this. I've been dealing with a combo of anorexia and bulimia (so says my doctors)for almost 12 years and I have not once felt beautiful regardless of what my weight was or how thin I looked. I was a very heavy kid, and a heavy teenager for the most part and once this whole mess started it just got way out of control. I always thought that if I was thin enough than my life would just fall into place and I would be happy, but that never happened...instead my life just fell apart. I've lost so much of myself...my personality, my social life (i don't have one anymore), I even had to drop out of college twice and lost my job because of lengthy hospital stays. It's not glamorous and it takes over your entire life every single day, and once it starts it doesn't stop. It's not worth it.

-kd

liz said...

aargh i have to get this under control before it controls me. I have recently started to eat a lot less than normal and exercise more. I have become incredibly vain, I am constantly looking in any reflective surface to check how I look, and point out flaws. I scream at fat people in my head, getting angry at them for being so disgusting.
I've already lost a lot of weight but I'm constantly looking at my arms or legs and saying that I could lose more there. I've been so healthy up until recently and I don't want this to go any further. At this point I can still acknowledge that I look good... but I always think I could look better.
After reading this post I thought, 'okay, this is ridiculous, you can go and get something to eat from the shop'.
But then without even realising it, that twisted side of me says 'are you kidding? have a drink of water instead'.
I have to stop this. But I still don't want to.

Anonymous said...

hey, ive never had an eating dissorder, but reading that really touched me, my mum suffers from belimia, and im really worried about her, i think she is loosing control off it, you see she recovered, but she once explained to me that you never really recover you just learn how to supress it, to control it, with out it controling you, and she said when u begin to purge and binge thats the desise taking a hold of you, it tricks you at first it seems fun and a good way of loosing wieght but then you become obbsesed, all your money goes on food, all your time spent thinking about food, how thin you are what people think off you, and you never have friends, it never lets you have friends it issolates you from everything and everyone you know, untill one day you wake up and you realise your on your own, and if you carry on you will loose everyone whos left. and then when you do recover, you feel so bad for the way you treated the ones closest to you, you feel bad for the things you put them through, I just really worry about her, after reading some off the things on here, but now she has split up with my dad, i know that if she is struggeling i doubt she will seek help.

lost_in_thought said...

((reply to Bonypink))
Who the hell would want to be anorexic? I would. I may not know of all of the pains of anorexia, but I know the pain that I feel when I look in the mirror and who are you to say that me saying that is a disgrace to the real horrors of an ED? There is almost nothing in the world that i wouldn't go trough to be thin. I have two friends that I have told about my desire for an ED and although they hate that I want it and tell me that I'm skinny, they are woderfuly supportive by listening to my rants on losing weight and ect. and I, regardless to what people like you say, do want this and would appreciate it if you wouldn't put people down for their feelings and desires

Anonymous said...

This made me cry, its so sad, and so true.

loveyoualot25 said...

My name is Christina,
I was looking for pictures to help me eat. . .well. ..nothing at allin order to drop 20lbs. I've been bulimic for 7 years now and it all started with me thinking I was FAT. I was! I was fat but I was hurt. Bad things in my life made me over eat and becoming a teen made me want to be liked. Long story short. I went without food for 11 days (I did have soda and tons of sleep). Then I got very sick. I was throeing everything up and didn't tell anyone. This went on for about 3 months. After getting meds and getting better, I was still able to throw up by just binding over and trying to burp. Thus, I've been doing this for 7 years now. I droped down to 125lbs from 185lbs but over time the bulimia stopped working as well and now I'm 135lbs.
The point is that I still want to be smaller and since I just stopped eating before I thought I could do it again.
I found this story. I think I have also found the strength I need to over come this way of thinking and love me for me! For giving me the rest of my life. . .THANK YOU! Who ever you are. (I don't even know the person who is saving my life right now)

TO Girls out there who want love: If there is one thing I have found is that even at a healthy weight of 135lbs. (I'm 5'3") a great guy (west point officer, good guy)will not only find you sexy, hot, cute, and perfect; he will love you. So, will a man who wants a family. And so will a man who has lots of money. No matter what guy you are looking for/want, they will want you no matter what your weight. If you are doing this top make people like you more, it want do that. It will only make them turn away. If anyone needs ome one to talk to, I'm not perfect and have been in recover for only about an 1 hr. my e-mail is loveyoualot25@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me. There are free support groups out there and there is a way out. Many people have gone on to over come this and you can be one of them!
Thank you,
Chritina

val said...

So I have posted other comments they you may have seen on this page and at other places around this site under the names of help_me_please, lost_in_thougth and a few others that I can't remember. I'm still not anorexic considering the fact that I haven't lost 15% of my original body weight but in most other senses of the word yes i would say that I'm anorexic. I have only lost about 8% of my original body weight. I only lost 7 pounds. I currently have a bmi of 17.1, so not very underweight (normal is 18.5-24.9). I am pretty sure that I would be diagnosed as depressed if I ever told a doctor or therepist about it but of course I have not told any adults. My two friends that know are pretty upset. One just doesn't talk about it much, but the other friend talks to me about it a lot. Whenever we do he gets really upset. Of course he doesn't understand it. Now I really scared him when I admitted to him that I am seriously considering suicide. He says that (for now) he won't tell anyone about my depression, eating disorder or suicidal thoughts but he is constantly begging me to get help. He tells me how insane I am for thinking this way about myself but is always there for me. I used to like like him and whenever I like a guy everything gets worse because I want to lose weight to look good for him, but after I realize that there is no possible way that he could ever like me back, my depression gets worse. Because I told him about my ED at around the same time that I liked him, he asked me if it was his fault. That was one of the most hurtful things that he has ever said to me. How could he think that? The truth is, which I told him, that if it weren't for him, I probably would have already commited suicide. He is one of and quite possibly the most important person in my life right now and I couldn't live without him. So to my friend, thank you. You have no idea how much better my life is, because you're in it. If I don't make it through this, I need you to know that its not your fault that I did it. You couldn't have prevented it. I'm sorry for the sadness that this has put you through, but thank you, for being there for me.

Anonymous said...

Dear Medusa

I'm not anorexic, or anything like that. I'm an overweight young girl who wants, more than anything, to be thin, pretty, and happy. I hope that I will never want to become this way, but, like so many other things in my life, nothing ever works the way I hope (Willing to tell more about my life story if e-mailed about it at silverwolf@dot11net.net. Mention this blog in subject, else i might not reply). A few monts back, I was in a winter show for my dance class. The week before the show I told my self that inorder to look better in the costume, I would not eat that week. Well that plan worked until about lunch time that same day. I think I love food to much to want to become that but the are times that I think that that way would be easy. Lucky for me, when I informed my mom that I wanted to lose weight, my mother toke me to my doctor, and a dietary specialist to find out what would work for me. Now on a diet of 2,500 calorie intake a day, and 60min of hard-core workout a week, I lose a healthy 2-3lbs a week. At the time i started this journy to a happier me i weight about 245lbs, at a height of 5'8". Now im at 227lbs, and I hope to reached the weight of 200lbs (though the doctor said that the lowest I can go is 187lbs). The reason I write this is not only to give you hope that there are girls out there losing weight WHEN they need to in a HEALTHY way, but to inspire more girls that you can be thin and healthy AND happy at the same time. You do not have to chose.

Also, if you do not mind, I would life to post this article on a profile I have on a website (shoutlife.com). It is a Christian sight and I know there are girls on there that are sufferring with disorder.

Thank you for your time,
-the-SilentWolf

HisKawaikochan said...

I just wanted to say,
Thank You.
For everything you post.

My boyfriend reads your blog and what makes me cry the most is the fact that this all started with bad grades then to wishing I could be "Mikey's Perfect Little Girlfriend." He told me this because he has seen how much I'd changed from smiling and laughing to depressed:

"It's that, it really gets to me when you say your fat. Or that your a cow.
Because your not. Your beautiful the way you are.
It's that I really love you.
And I don't want to see my sunshine think that way about her.
Or binge.
I don't like that you're doing that to yourself. It breaks my heart.
It really does."

I think in truth, I was stupid. Call me "wannarexic" or whatever but I actually did think skinny was really pretty. I really did. But I went on from just cutting out 500 calories from 2000 to eating a cereal bar or an apple a day.

So yeah.
Your blog shows the truth and was a wake-up call to me even if I can't stop just yet..

Andria said...

I am not anorexic. I do look at myself and feel fat, though. I had my son when I was 24. Before I got pregnant with him I weighed 56 kilos and wanted to get thinner. I'd lost about 7 kilos in a couple months and I was so proud of myself. Running for an hr and a half twice a day. Eating little. I had moved to Milan, Italy, fashion capitol of the world and I had begun feeling it's pressure of looking a certain way, so when I started making progress it felt great! When I went home to visit friends and family who hadn't seen me for a yr, well, they all just kept saying how I looked so thin. Was I eating? Was I happy? Was I doing all right being so far from home? When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was unsure as to what to do. But, I decided to keep him, and I'm happy I did. He's the most beautiful boy ever. But I feel like perhaps I was teetering on the edge of a dangerous cliff. Fortunately I had to snap out of it otherwise who knows what could have happened. Now that my son's almost 5 I look at my body and think, "yuck, I'm fat!" It's true that I have gained 3 sizes. I'm not exactly happy about it, but I scared that if I start a diet, I may not be able to stop it, after getting so close to something that I now am able to recognise as a dangerous situation. I don't know what to say to those of you out there who are living with this illness. My heart goes out to you. If you like reading or, hey, now there are audio books, have a look or listen to "The Power of ONE", I can't remember the author, sorry. It's not about anorexia, but it's about finding yourself, your inner self, and discovering the powers that are found in all of us, if only we dare to look. Don't be so hard on yourselves. Take baby steps and learn to love yourselves. Don't isolate yourself. Let people love you. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED NO MATTER WHAT.

Andy said...

Like a lot of people I ever heard of Anorexia Nervosa, and thought I knew what it was. I was wrong. THank you for this post as it has educated and informed me and hopefully everyone else who has read it.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago. This was the first post I've read. I've read your others, also. They're all incredible and heartbreaking and true. This one is my favorite. I was anorexic a while back. I've recovered for the most part, and every single word of this entry is true. Anorexia isn't pretty. This tells it like it is. Thank you. This post is really amazing. Words can't explain.

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh...i'm doing a report on eating disorders right now, too. that's terrible!

G said...

I came across this blog randomly, not searching for anything to do with anorexia or eating disorders. I read this entire post, and I just wanted to thank you for putting it together. There is so much truth to it that so many people seem to ignore, and I'm glad it is here for everyone to read - not in some closed, "friends only" medium.

It is sad that there are many people in denial of the truth here. Some of the commenters on this post fall into this category, and I hope that they find help before it's too late. (I mean that sincerely, not condescending.)

I want to offer my thanks for this post for another reason: I came across it at just the right time. I've been a little preoccupied with some of the weight I've gained around my belly, and in the scheme of things, it's not even that much. But I've been really insecure about it for a while. After reading this post, and skimming through some of the others, I realize that I'm of an average, normal size for my height, weight and age. And I am no longer obsessing over the "pooch".

I am not an expert on eating disorders and I have never had one, but there is some advice I would like to offer, should anyone take the time to read this comment (seeing as how this will be the 54th). If you are concerned about your weight, are obsessed with and desperate to lose it, I suggest that you talk to a physician whose opinion you trust, and have them refer you to a nutritionist. They will help you plan your meals and exercise routines that will help you to lose however many pounds you want to (as long as they are healthy; not going from 110 lb to 80), and they will be able to properly monitor your health, to make sure you're not getting too thin or sick, or dangerously close to starvation.

If you don't trust the nutritionist or your doctor's medical advice, look for another one. And keep looking until you find someone you are comfortable with. This is the most important thing.

Doctors and nurses have gone through medical training for a reason, so they will know what to do to help you. Of course you can find a bad apple in every bunch, but please don't dismiss the entire profession just because of a bad experience.

It takes a very strong person to realize that they have a problem, and seek help for it. Starving yourself is something anyone can do; recognizing and treating a problem is not - that takes real strength.

Lastly, I feel the need to point out "Robert Fish's" comment on disease vs. disorder: he is wrong. I doubt very much that he is a "medical student" because he would know better.

According to Stedman's Medical Dictionary, a "disorder" is "a disturbance of function or structure, resulting from a genetic or embryologic failure in development or from exogenous factors such as poison, trauma, or disease."

And "disease", "an interruption, cessation, or disorder of body functions, systems, or organs. A morbid entity characterized usually by at least two of these criteria: recognized etiologic agent(s), identifiable group of signs and symptoms, or consistent anatomic alterations."

Something caused by bacteria would be more accurately defined as an "infectious disease" (from the same source: "a disease resulting from the presence and activity of a microbial agent".)

Most importantly, it is the American Medical Association that defines both anorexia nervosa AND alcoholism as diseases. Unless of course Mr. Fish is, you know, way more credible than the largest association of physicians in the United States.

Caitlin said...

So I just had to leave a comment because of how true this whole thing is. If I could, I would make every person in this world read this, so that us with eating disorders would never be understood again.

There are three reasons as to why I have no gotten help yet. I'm 15 and I have many opportunities in track (I've already gotten scouted) and going away to get help would surely mess that up. Another is that I am afrai I will have nothing if I give this up. I don't know who I would be without this. And lastly, no one ever understands.

Val said...

So, first of all i'll just say that i love this article. I have since the first time i read it almost a year ago. Though not that much time, that past year has been so important for me. I was both the happiest I have ever been and the saddest. I have a very small middle school. 12 students. W are so close. That would be my happiest, being with them and being so close and just all being together. My low: depression, anorexia and being suicidal. But thanks to one person, I made it through it, whether thats a good thing or not. Though even the fact that he pretty much devoted all of his time to keeping me alive during my worst times during the winter, that still wasn't enough to convince me that he loved me, mostly because I couldn't believe that someone as amazing as him would even take a second to consider me in anyway. I still don't see why he does but I have finally come to believe him when he tells me that he loves me. He was there for me when I was "the girl that wanted to be anorexic" and when i was the girl wanting so desperately not to be anorexic. He saved my life. For the most part I know that starving myself is wrong and that its alright not to be super skinny, but it never completely goes away. When I look in the mirror I still just see fat and ugly, nut that goes away at least a little when he tells me that i'm beautiful.

Anonymous said...

My friend that recently moved where i live from down south has really bad body image. When most people look at her they see this reallly pretty girl with naturaly strait blonde hair and hazel eyes. She sees a girl who's fat and ugly. She even asked my other friends and me what the first thing we thought about her was. She didn't believe us when we said we thought she was really pretty. She told me that she has a condition that she thinks less of herself she looks in the mirror and doesnt see the real her. I don't know what this is called but I worry about her. Sometimes I feel like she could become anorexic because she always feels like she's fat. She hates wearing "tight fitting" shirts that in my opinion are just normal shirts from aeropostale. I bearly know her but I'm scared that she could end up anorexic. I don't want her to hurt herself.

Anonymous said...

I have never commented on anything on the internet (i always for some reason fear judgment!) but i came accross this and simple had to. Im now 22 and developed anorexia 8 years ago,at the time i hadnt heard of this "pro" movement,but have since heard so much about it,to know that it appears to be growing in popularity. This makes me so so mad,and sad of course, but i cant help but feel so anrgy. This writing is the most honest,truthful,skillfully written piece i have ever read. It is put so very perfectly,and i hope that if one good thing can come of the time you spent putting this together,it is that at least one girl/guy actually stops and takes it in. I really believe the power of your writing has the potential to save lifes.

Anonymous said...

i can hardly imagine what you beautiful girls are going through because i do not have an eating disorder... there are times, however, that i look in the mirror and criticize myself. i see that i have im getting a muffin top or that my bra makes it look like i have back rolls. even those who have high self-confidence have problems with self-image.

the truth is, pretty much every photo of celebrities, models, actors and actresses has been photoshopped to make them look flawless. there are VERY few people in the world who are really and truly flawless and most times i see these "perfect" people and bodies as strange or alien-looking. i find flaws attractive. it reminds us that we are not meant to live up to someone else's expectations of what is beautiful or perfect because achieving this.

PERFECTION is ALWAYS impossible. think about who you think is the most beautiful woman in the world... now think about how much crap this person gets from the media about her looks. you can never please everyone by the way you look.

i sincerely believe that many body types are attractive. whether you are slender, curvy, athletic, boy-shaped, have big boobs, no boobs, defined muscle, a small waist, straight-waisted, tall, short, pear-shaped, a size 2 or a size 14. its about how you carry yourself that makes you beautiful and confident. if you are 200 pounds but walk with a smile and bright eyes like you are the queen of the world people WILL see you that way! there are so many definitions of beautiful that no one should ever think they are ugly because of their body shape so please never try to force your body to look like a rail when you may just have a curvier, hourglass shape that is SEXY and BEAUTIFUL!!! flaunt what you've got because you are SO BEAUTIFUL!! I LOVE YOU ALL and sincerely wish you all well!!!

carlydawn1 said...

I have Just read this, and I cried. It is so true but it scares me to death.
I was always underweight as a child but when i was 13, my body changed dramatically and my Dad and Nan both told me I was getting fat. I was 5 foot 4 and eight stone! Because of this, I stopped eating and by the time I was 17 I was very underweight and started to throw up as well. It was at this time I was diagnosed with anorexia with bulimic tendancies. It was the hardest 5 years of my life and i felt so ashamed and guilty for hurting my mum, who really did care for me.
Im 23 now and "recovered" my wheight has always stayed low since then, around 7 and half stone, but i have been healthy.
Unfortunatly due to losing my job and other unfortunate circumstances, Im losing weight again and im soooo scared! I cannot will not eat and i want to but im scared to! I have been living on one tiny bowl of musli a day. I know i will NEVER throw up again, because this time it is different. Ive become scared of being fat so now im scared to eat! I even try to but i end up spitting it back out as i cannot swallow it. I know what is happenning but i cannot stop it.
I know i need help but the only person i can trust is my mum and i really dont want to alarm her. I found your website while searching for help on my own.
Nobody should EVER EVER want an eating disorder, It stays with you for life! I feel like a happy person and all I want is just to get on with my life. I just dont know what to do. I really need some advise, PLEASE HELP!

Medusa said...

carlydawn, please join We Bite Back (www.webiteback.com) There is a wonderful forum at that site and many of my readers are now in recovery because of the love, support and encouragement they've received there.

I hope this helps.

laura said...

I can't say how important this post and the whole site have been for me. I haven't seen a psychologist (yet) about my condition, but I believe I fit the diagnostic criteria for restrictive bulimia (binge+starve). About a week ago I decided to try a thought experiment: accepting that I have a problem. I now believe I do.
However, today I took my vitamins, I ate a healthy lunch, and after I've finished writing this comment I'm gonna go get a yogurt. When the guests come to celebrate my brother's birthday, I'll eat a slice of cake and maybe a cookie. I won't stuff myself nor will I abstain from food altogether, and I'll try my best not to feel guilty.
I've known I can TAKE the power over my eating habits back into my own hands for a while now, but I haven't wanted to. This post is extremely powerful and emotionally aggressive, but it really has to be. Shaking up is exactly what I needed. I'm currently at a crossroads and your site just made the road to recovery so much easier to step on. And even if I falter, at least I know that after this I simply will not let myself get any worse. And I'll always take my vitamin supplements from now on. Also, I'll talk to my mum again and tell her that I'll go see my school psychologist. I can't let her worry about me any longer, it's simply not worth it. Thank you Medusa, for giving me motivation and willpower, thank you. You and everyone else spreading the message against ED's have my unwavering admiration. What you're doing is beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thankyouthankyou.

Medusa said...

(((Laura)))

Thank you so much for writing.

I am so proud of you in taking that first step to recovery by talking to your mom and the school psychologist.

The road to recovery will have its ups and downs, but your strength and determination come through in your words. You're ready to do battle and beat this thing.

Celebrate and enjoy a big slice of your brother's birthday cake today!

Much love and wishes for your success...

Medusa

pixie said...

i read this and i decided to check myself into a recovery program.
ive been anorexic for 4 years
ive just recently began to notice that this is destroying my life - destroying it. i don't want to die. i don't want to waste the life i was given. im trying to get help. wish me luck, and thank you so much for this.

Medusa said...

(((pixie)))

Sending you hugs and best wishes on your recovery journey. You can do this.

All the very best to you...

~ Medusa
xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

I, myself, have been anorexic for a while now and I needed to speak about this post.
Though I find the disease to be heart wrenching and terrifying all in one, no one has the right to tell another what or how much to eat. This post was extremely melodramatic, perpetuating the stereotype that all anorexics look in the mirror and see 400 pounds staring back at them. I know that every time I look at myself I see thin, just never thin enough. In the way that you dramatized every aspect of anorexia, rightfully or otherwise, I was deeply offended. I understand what you're going through, in times of illness and self-loathing, but I disagree with the way you chose to portray the disease.
--A Concerned Reader

Anonymous said...

I still wish I was anorexic, even after reading this. No, I am no troll, just voicing my opinion. Nothing you say and do will stop me from reaching perfection.

Amber said...

I read this about eight times today. I'm not anorexic. I don't want to be anorexic. I want to be thinner than I am. I'm scared though. I severely restricted my meals and sometimes skip them. I can't stand to eat. I hate it, I think it is disgusting, I actually have to talk myself into eating. I don't want to be this way. I'm trying to fix it. But it's so hard. Thank you for reposting this.

Anonymous said...

Tears are still in my eyes after reading this. Thank you. Unfortunately people do think of it as some great experience but it destroys you and even after "recovering" there is no way to get past it. It sticks with you, your family and everyone around you forever.

Rae said...

I've heard countless people say they want to be anorexic. "Oh really? Are you serious?" I say. "Yes! It seems so easy! And pays off!" They all reply with. "Well, before you start your 'fabulous' new life as an anorexic, why don't I give you a link to a post that will prepare you for your new chosen lifestyle!" And I give them the link. They talk to me the next day. "I read it." They say. "Oh, you did? What'd you think?" "I think it wont happen to me." I stare at them for a minute. "Really?! Look at me goddamnitt! Do you think I like being outta control! Take it from me personally, save yourself the cuts and scars on your body. Save your organs, once you've started I promise you can't stop." I say to them. They usually stand there looking sympathetic and shocked. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know..." They say. I don't see why anyone would want to purposefully put themselves through it. Ana/Mia have made me lose so many things and people in my life and I wish so many people knew before they tried to be come anorexic or bulimic. P:

Anonymous said...

Dear Medusa,

Thank you very much for this, honestly. I always thought that there should be something out there that would tell everyone what it is like, and now i´ve found it.

I have experienced something like it, i was OBSESSED with food and calories, i weighed myself every day but i was eating healthy. 2-3 meals and one piece of fruit a day. This is how i lived over a year and i felt so happy, but people were thinking that i wasnt being healthy because i was so obsessed with food and exersize. Maybe it could´ve lead to an eating disorder, maybe not, we will never know. I´ve had ´help´ from some outsiders and now i still know some stuff others don´t but im not thinking of it 24/7.

Still, i have never been as happy as i was in that year. I may have been obsessed, but i was healthy and not under-weight.

Still i want to thank you for this. It is true.

dayanasweety said...

omg :| I started to cry when I read this

Sandra said...

I was actually Googling pro-Mia sites when I stumbled across this blog post. After reading this I decided not to throw up for the first time in 2 years and checked myself into a treatment clinic. I believe there's still hope that I won't be this girl BonyPink speaks of. Thank you :)

Medusa said...

Sandra, I am so happy and proud of you and your decision.

There is SO much hope for you.

Sending love and hugs your way...

~Medusa

Anonymous said...

I feel so sad for all the people with an eating disorder it makes me cry when I see them I to almost developed one by the way I'm 13 anyway I am fat and I just wanted to lose weight so i binged once and purged it hurt so much but I couldn't stop I did it twice but i am still tempted to do it again I tried starving myself and I lost like 5 pounds but I gained it back because I was soo soo hungry I got so frustrated from my progress that I cut my self gave harm to my body to make the pain go away but..it still came from the knife that ran down my skin, I cried so I read online from a few sites that laxatives work I am going to try them but dought they work I know it's wrong for me but I just can't help from the hunger to the guilt to the purging I just don't want to go through it I want to have children and stuff but the temptation isn't helping me with that my friends watch me carefully when I told one of them i did it and she told everyone so I am forced to eat. I read this and I just cried...ok I didn't cry but I was shocked seeing how from just wanting to be thin can make you go from healthy to well you know. And Most of this is caused from being called fat, thinking it, seeing models, photoshoping! It sends mixed signals to teens brains that make them think they have to be thin. I want to right a book about bulimia to show people what a girl has to go to to get them to understand the real pain. I hate proana sites that say all those discusting things. I wish people never had an eating disorder I wish it never existed. People are perfect the way they are! Size,race,skin...it doesn't matter people will love you for who you are..I just want to cry now and sorry for ranting about this but this site has just captivated me soo much I just want to hug you (Gives virtual hug to everyone on here) Ok well goodbye.


~Future author. (Amanda)

Alyrias illusions said...

what is written here is so true. i dont understand why anyone would ever want to go through this. its not a statement its not a way of life, its a disease and it kills. and if it doesnt kill you, which at some point it probably will if yo0u dont stop it will take everything else away that you love. the people you love in your life, that boy these 'pro ana' girls are trying to impress they will leave rather then watch yo0u kill yourself. I have been working on recovery for almost a year now, and at every turn my body betrays me. im not the person i used to be, no one who has suffered through this terrible disease is.
im sorry just the thought of these girls wanting this really upset me. im 23 not very old and even i know that this is not something that anyone would want if they truely understood it.

Anonymous said...

I have always been natrually thin, not anorexic, although some people think i am because im a dancer. But I wanted to let all of you know that you can be big and still perfectly happy. My sister who is two years younger than me, weighs 114 lbs. at 4'11", while I weigh just 100 lbs at 5'2". She is the happiest, most outgoing person in the world, and i wouldn't want anyone losing that to anorexia. And Alice,Victoria,Brooke, Help me please,Brandee,and any others i missed, good luck and know that there are people who support you even though we've never met you.

Anonymous said...

That text is so moving and blunt and very well written. I would just like to say that only teenage girls are thought i have thise priblems but i am a teenage boy and i have forced myself to throw up a couple of times and wish to weigh less to show people how much i hate myself

Ita Drgen said...

I'm about to cry, really. An amazing text, it should be put on leaflets and given to every girl from 10 to 25 to read and learn by heart. So true.
Thank you, Medusa, for this wonderful blog.

Anonymous said...

In 2007, I wanted to lose weight.

Went to a pro-ana website, and ended up losing over 40 lbs. within 2 years (most of it in the first 6 months). Calorie restriction. I knew the site was wrong, but hey, I was oh so in control, right?

Well, I got scant sleep. My heart started to flutter in my chest sometimes when I woke up, or as I started to drift off.

My body ached, the shooting pains are very real. Suicidal thoughts, depression, constipation, memory loss, you bet!

I got caught up in it, looking back now I am horrified at my behavior during that time... there's SOOO much more I could write, but I'm trying to keep it as brief as possible.

At any rate, I spun out. Big time. But, the Lord Jesus Christ saved me. I've been walking with God, and eating...I'm grateful...

Yet, that's not to say I don't still suffer the effects -- I certainly do.

It's been 5 YEARS since I first participated in this thing, and although I have been eating normally for a few years now, my body aches. Every. Day.

* I have arthritis.

* Deteriorating and bulging disks in my neck - it hurts so bad.

* My teeth are messed up (and I wasn't even purging).

* Memory is improving, but not the same as it was...

* My heart - the signal that makes my heart beat regularly is not working properly.

The ADMINS at these "pro-ana" sites are not being "supportive", they don't care, and I don't care what they say to the contrary, there are tons and tons of glamorization at these sites.

What we really needed, what we need, is for someone to TELL IT LIKE IT IS -- just as this wonderful article did!

Every blessing to you,

Love and Peace

Zee said...

In relation to ponypink ;
I've be stuggling with anorexia/EDNOS for 3 years now, and it also was caused by sexual assult, as well as domestic abuse by the two most important men (at the time) in my life.
I think that too many people think that eating disorders are all "good fun" and "no big deal".
I have a friend who told me she no longer saw the point of eating, and this is what I said to her:

“Don’t you ever stop eating, no matter what. Ever. It sucks all the time. I don’t remember what chocolate tastes like, and bread makes me sick now.

This is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Sure, you can purge, you can cut, you can do all the fucking drugs in the world, but none of them compare to this.

There is NO HAPPINESS. There is no small moments of joy. You don’t get to enjoy food, or adrenaline, or being high. You don’t get to enjoy anything.

You get painful stomach aches all the time. Either you have hunger pains, or you put food in your tomach and it made you sick. You count every calorie that goes into you and you cry when you don’t see the difference. You’ll be shrinking down to child sizes for all you know, and you’ll think you’re a size 6. A size 6 is big. Hell, I cry if I’m not a 0.

This is hell, and I never want to see another person go through this.”

I sincerely hope that I got through to her.
I'm also sending her this link.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm the Anonymous that wrote in on:
August 27, 2012 12:01 PM

Update - I ended up in an ambulance in October.

They still don't know all that's wrong. And I don't know what else might crop up in the future. However, we can now add to the list some additional repercussions I am dealing with:

* Low Blood Pressure (with the occasional drop to levels that cause me to faint out of the blue... recall that my body is more fragile than it was prior to the extreme calorie restriction... a faint, hitting the ground, is the last thing my frame needs).

* Bradycardia.

I've noticed that in many recovery stories, there tends to be little said regarding lasting effects. Permanent effects.

The vast majority of my weight loss just a season. Aside from that, it was ups and downs; fits and starts. That's all it was... and yet.

It all comes back to you. Sooner or later. No choice in the matter.


Love and Peace

Anonymous said...

Can you please take down the comment posted using the alias "Bony Pink" She has been found to be a fraud by a Canadian well known newspaper. They even deleted her made up story, and it's pretty obvious to the entire Ana community as being non exhistant. It makes your page look like "Medusa" is a big joke for believing the impostor troll and posting her comment. I hope that's not the reason you quit updating. She (the poser) fooled a lot of people not just you so don't take it personally. Thanks

Medusa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Medusa said...

Would you please let me know the name of the Canadian newspaper that ran and then deleted their story on BonyPink? Thanks. I plan to do some investigating.