RILEY'S STORY: "I'M A 15 YEAR OLD BOY...AND HAVE BEEN SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER."

"Medusa,

My name is Riley. I'm a 15 year old boy, and for 10 months now I have been suffering from an eating disorder.

My life has been happy and healthy. I was born healthy and raised happily, my mother died when I was young and I guess I never dealt with it as well as I could have; other than that, things in general are great.

I've had issues with food in the past. I used to suck in my ribs and show everybody my bones when I was younger, and have always had an interest in nutrition and food.

I remember when it really started though. I was at my Nan and Pop's house in another state around March 2010.

One night I was in the shower after dinner. I thought to myself 'What would happen if I was to force my food out so I'm not as full?'

Sure enough, I did it when I got out of the shower. I thought it was gross, and said that I would never do it again.

I came home a couple of weeks later and began to think I was gaining weight. I was about 56kg and 168cm tall, which is in the average to low weight range. I started to obsess over what I ate; I ate healthier things, when I actually was eating, which lead me into not eating breakfast in the morning, not eating lunch at school, and then purging in the shower after dinner.

After a few months of doing the same thing, sometimes eating regular meals and never binging, I began using fiber tablets at school to decrease my appetite, sometimes taking about 5 at once to fill me up. I also drank a lot of water to hydrate me during the day and after purging, consuming about 3 liters a day.

During July 2010, I restricted to 1 babyfood jar a day, which planned to continue for 5 days, but only lasted 3 as I collapsed in my school gym. After going to my Auntie's that night for tea, I had a discussion with my Nanny in the car on the way home. She made me promise that I hadn't been throwing up after I eat, which I refused to do. Worried as a normal grandmother would be, she spoke to my Dad while I was in the shower, purging.

Dad walked in on me that night, and after about an hour of talking, we seeked help from the local GP who then referred us to a place about half an hour away, where we now go every week to every fortnight.

I went for a 2 week program for treatment from the 13th to the 27th of December 2010, which pushed me to my full potential and showed me that there are so many people around who care for me. Although I am doing this all for the people around me, I'm doing it for myself, much like everybody else suffering from an eating disorder.

Not only does it take over lives, it takes everyone else away too.

Since I've been out of treatment, I've slipped back once, and I have a much more positive look on things because of the people I have met in there, and the opportunities I have had to reflect.

The reason I am sharing my story is because I see so many stories on here, and I find so much inspiration.

I just want to put it out to everybody that ANYBODY can suffer from an eating disorder, and ANYBODY can recover from one, too.

Kind regards and have a happy new year.

xxx"

Link to photo:

http://my.opera.com/Zaphira/blog/eating-disorders-are-for-guys-too

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BULIMIA QUICKLY CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM: REST IN PEACE, KYLIE

I recently received this email from Lane:

"Hello Medusa, I am writing to you with the sad news that an eating disorder has claimed yet another person's life.

Her name was Kylie & she passed on the night of January 2, 2011 of cardiac arrest.

I personally never knew Kylie that well; I met her at Thanksgiving last year when I met my boyfriend's family.  I instantly knew she had an eating disorder from talking to her. I'm in recovery myself. She snuck away when it was time to eat.  She complained about the cholesterol in the lemon meringue pie.  She only ate the smallest amount that she could get away with.

I saw her again on two separate occasions after that; both times I thought about talking to her about it, but I didn't feel I knew her well enough.

She had been sick for eight years, ever since she was 17 & hated her body long before that. She was always round & curvy & hated her shape; at school she envied the popular girls who were all super-skinny. She always wanted to be one of them.

Her mother told me that they'd talk about their larger hips as "the family curse." Her mother thought they were only joking, but Kylie truly did think of it as a curse. She had previously been very close to her family.  In the past years she moved into an apartment alone & isolated herself from the world.

I'm told that before her illness took hold of her, she was bubbly despite being shy, that she loved making paper flowers & liked practical jokes.

The causes of her demise were low levels of potassium, sodium & dehydration that caused her already weak heart to fail. Her body had begun to feed on its own muscle, including her heart, to survive. They found blisters on her knuckled from purging.

We reluctantly combed through her personal journal & found out that she had begun inducing vomiting only one month before dying from it.

She wrote that she had never successfully purged before, until early December.

She was 25." 

Thank you for sharing, Lane.  May Kylie rest in peace. 

Link to photo:

http://www.expat-at-large.com/

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ANNALEIGH'S STORY: "ANOREXIA TOOK MY LIFE FROM ME, ALL THE THINGS I COULD HAVE BEEN, COULD HAVE DONE."

 Annaleigh, before the illness

Hi, I've been meaning to do this for a while, and I’ve wanted to share my story and I hope one day that all the bad things I’ve been through can help other people.

My name is Annaleigh. I'm from Dorset, UK.

I wish I’d had hindsight before embarking down this terrible road...Anorexia took my life from me, all the things I could have been, could have done. They died because my life became Food, Calories, Weights and Numbers and nothing else.

This is me now, and the picture I am holding is the girl I was before Anorexia took me.

I’m 20 now. I was 16 in that photo. 4 years of anorexia has torn me to pieces. I’ve lost so much. In that picture I seem a happy, healthy, school girl. I even think I look pretty.

Now I’ve become a shell of my former self and I hate what I’ve become. Even though the smile in the picture was fake, I can see the health and the glowing skin in that girl.

I’m currently still in treatment for my eating disorder. I attend a day patient unit now, 9-7 pm. 3 weeks ago I left inpatient treatment at the same hospital and I thoroughly believe it saved my life and has given me the opportunity of recovery. I am so thankful to them.

Pictures of myself over the years:

I developed anorexia at 16, but I was already ill, but no one could see. At 15, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and I’m certain this was the trigger that set off my eating disorder.

I was sexually abused from the ages of 13-15 and I suffered mentally on my own. I was self-harming, overdosing, and feeding my pain with food. It was during the abuse the binging and purging started, although I was never diagnosed at this point.

After going to the police, and the abuse ending I decided to stop eating, I decided food was the cause. I thought things would be better if I lost weight. I didn’t know what anorexia was but I thought losing weight was a solution and it would take away my pain.

I started off 5'6 and 14 stone (196 pounds) in April of 07 and by the November that year I had dropped to a mere 5 stone (70 pounds), losing over half my body weight. Nobody was taking action and by that point the first option was a general hospital where I was tube-fed for the first time. I don’t remember much of that stay. I just didn’t understand.

Since then I have been hospitalised on numerous occasions. I’ve had 3 mental health sections from my eating disorder. I’ve been to the depths. I’ve been drugged, held down, force fed and lapsed over and over again.

It’s only on this admission I have seen the light and am actively trying to recover. Sometimes I think u have to go to the depths of hell before u realise that there’s gotta be something better. It may feel absolutely shit to go against the Anorexia but in the end I know now the alternative of going backwards is far worse and now I hope for something more. I've glimpsed there is so much more to life, so much more. I’ve started to see friends enjoy life. My demons from the PTSD still follow me but I know now my eating disorder is not a solution.

Being thin doesn’t make you happy...it numbs the pain for a while. I ran away for a long while into the illness but now it has made life worse and the past harder to deal with.

And I wish I’d had this hindsight before I got ill, because now it is so hard to fight when it’s been my entire life and all I have known for the past 4 years. It took me a long time to get into this mess and its gunna take a long time to get out, but I have hope now to do it. I have so many dreams and aspirations in life....

The rise of Pro-Ana and the rise in eating disorders upsets me. I don’t think people realise how UGLY this disease is, it’s not glamorous.... and at 20 I never I thought I’d be left with arthritis, osteoporosis, no periods, having severe stomach problems.... I feel like a granny even though my nutrition is better!! This life is not beautiful. it's an ugly ugly thing.

A recent photo of me

This is a little poem I look at to remind myself to have hope that it can get better.

Hope

Sometimes we walk along a path,

Beneath a cloudy sky

There's nothing to the left or right,

To lift our spirits high,

And then we turn a corner,

And there bursts into view,

A scene of light and beauty,

A world so fresh and new.

So hold this little thought and hope,

Wait for the skies to clear,

For Beyond the dark and stormy clouds,

A sunny day is near....

Thank you for listening.

Annaleigh”

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MALE ANOREXIA: BRYAN BIXLER IS THRIVING...AN AMAZING STORY OF RECOVERY [UPDATE: JULY 12, 2015]

"Bryan Bixler is dying. He feels it in his bones a little more each day, as if passing the mirror in his apartment and glancing at himself isn’t evidence enough."

Some photos by Mark Boster

UPDATE!
[July 12, 2015]

BRYAN BIXLER IS THRIVING!
His amazing story of recovery...
 

2009:

2015: 

To say that Bryan Bixler's road to recovery from anorexia is remarkable is an understatement.  

When I first posted about Bryan back in 2009, he was deathly ill.  Between 2009 and 2011, I lost track of Bryan until I received an update in January of 2011 from a reader (see Update below).  I was thrilled to learn that Bryan was doing so much better.

Bryan has made four appearances on Dr. Oz, the last being in December of 2013.  You will find the links to the Dr. Oz videos on Bryan's website here:  http://bryanbixler.com/category/dr-oz-bryan-bixler/

Last week, I was contacted by Bryan's lovely partner, Kristen, who updated me on Bryan's progress, which is nothing short of miraculous.  The pictures below say it all:  Bryan is healthy and happy.    

Bryan is now a Program Director and Nutritional Advisor at Hotel California by the Sea, a rehabilitation treatment centre for men in Newport Beach, California , which provides addiction treatment for dependence on alcohol and other substances. 

Please check out Bryan's profile at this link:

https://www.hotelcaliforniabythesea.com/about/clinical-staff/bryan-bixler/

For those of you who are suffering from anorexia, bulimia, and other EDs and see recovery as daunting or impossible, Bryan's journey is evidence that once you take that first step, you CAN recover.

 Below are two beautiful and inspirational quotes that Brian has posted on social media: 

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
~ Unknown


"Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."
~ Pema Chödrön

Please take time to read my earlier posts below about Bryan's journey...

 

UPDATE!  
[January 30, 2011]

Many thanks to "C." for this update on Bryan sent to me on December 30th, 2010:

"I don't know if you're aware that Bryan Bixler was back on the Dr. Oz show on Nov. 27 - and he's made astounding progress. It brought tears to my eyes to see how much better he is doing.
Here are the links to watch the show:

Part 1
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/bryan-blixer-battling-anorexia-pt-1
 
Part 2
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/bryan-blixer-battling-anorexia-pt-2
 
Part 3
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/bryan-blixer-battling-anorexia-pt-3

~~~~~

"Bryan Bixler suffers from anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder that causes him to deprive himself of enough food. He wants to get well, but the treatment Medi-Cal will cover falls short.
By Dana Parsons
6:29 PM PDT, April 2, 2009
"Bryan Bixler is dying.

Bryan Bixler feels he can't escape the truth in the mirror. At 39 years old, 5 foot 9 and 82 pounds, he is growing weaker by the day

He feels it in his bones a little more each day, as if passing the mirror in his Laguna Beach apartment and glancing at himself isn't evidence enough. Here's what greets him: sunken eyes, paper-thin arms and legs that hang like a puppet's, the slow-motion gait that he fears will define his movements for the rest of his days. What happened, he wonders, to that young man who once ran half-marathons?

It's all so crazy. That's what he tells himself. Dying a bit more every day and knowing how to fix it but being unable to do it. Knowing that if he would just start eating like a normal person, he'd give himself a fighting chance.

But he's not a normal person, not anymore. Not at 5 feet 9 and 82 pounds. Not when he's got a master's degree and knows how the body works and yet can't make himself fix spaghetti or drink a chocolate malt.

Bixler is 39 and anorexic, suffering from an eating disorder traditionally associated with young women but which generally has been thought to include a 5% to 10% male component. In recent years, however, some researchers suggest that figure may be approaching 15%.

He doesn't remember a day or week or month that he turned the corner and inexorably headed down the path to anorexia nervosa, but he and family members think it was a slow-moving journey that started in his teens. He remembers those years as a time when his parents went through a difficult divorce and he was simultaneously caught up in the fitness craze and bent on avoiding junk food.

"I was Mr. Healthy," he says. "I was a vegetarian, I wanted to be a runner. Before I knew it, I lost weight without realizing it."

Bixler holds a photo of himself and his sister, Kimberly Leeds, from high school days

As he moved through his 20s, the disorder plunged him into what he calls "the vortex," a swirling downward spiral of weight loss and a deepening inability to reverse course.

But if there was a time back then when Bixler either denied he was anorexic or thought people were overreacting to his looks, those days are gone. "I see when I look in a mirror a walking caricature of a human being," he says. "A skeleton."

But what's different now than, say, even a year or so ago is a new resoluteness. The most primal cause of all.

"I want to live," he says.

To do that, he believes, he needs intensive coordinated treatment at an eating disorder center. Bixler's Medi-Cal insurance would pay for medical help and psychiatric or psychological treatment -- through care providers Kaiser Permanente and the Orange County Health Care Agency -- but not for long-term coordinated treatment at an eating disorder clinic.

The gap between what he needs and what his insurance will cover has been played out around the country. Many insurance companies increasingly have questioned the need for long-term residential treatment programs and balked at paying the high costs for them.

Seven years ago, with his parents footing the bill, Bixler spent several months at a treatment center in Wisconsin. Even though his weight climbed from 92 pounds to 120, he considered it a prison. When his parents' money ran out, he left and immediately relapsed.

Last fall, Bixler returned to the Wisconsin center but stayed only six days. Assigned to a psychiatric unit, he refused treatment, and his parents told him they could no longer afford the bill.

Since then, Bixler insists, he's seen the light and would stay in a long-term treatment program as long as it took. The only other option, he says, is death. "Obviously, my way is not working."

Neither is the limited psychological or psychiatric care he can get through Medi-Cal, says Terry Schwartz, medical director at an eating disorders program at UC San Diego. She supervised a recent psychiatric exam of Bixler, which he requested in the hope that it would bolster a claim he's made with the state for increased Medi-Cal coverage. The claim is pending.

Bixler isn't at an acute stage, Schwartz says, but his laboratory results and weight put him at "high risk" of dying from anorexia. American Psychiatric Assn. guidelines alone, she says, put him in the category of someone who needs either inpatient or residential care.

What he needs is a coordinated program that would run the gamut of medical, psychological, psychiatric, nutritional and dietary treatment. Bixler would be most vulnerable, she says, to sudden cardiac death or an inability to fight off an infection because of his depleted white blood cell count.

While convinced it's nowhere near what he needs, Bixler still avails himself of the counseling services offered through the county and Medi-Cal. If nothing else, he reasons, it'll perhaps send a signal that he's trying to play ball.

On his more charitable days, Bixler tries to avoid recriminations.

"I'm not blaming anybody," he says, "not Kaiser, not the county. I try not to blame myself, because of course I feel like I caused it. For me, it's the anger, the sadness that a life doesn't mean anything unless you have money."

In his 20s, before he fully grasped what was happening to him, Bixler saw a future for himself. With degrees from UC San Diego and the University of Georgia, Bixler wanted to work in the education department of zoos or aquariums. Instead, the eating disorder overtook him, and after short stints at two zoos and teaching while a graduate student, he went on full-time disability nine years ago.

He subsists on Social Security and lives in a studio apartment with a view of the Pacific Ocean, the beneficiary of cheap rent because his parents own the building.

He typically sleeps until late morning and stays up late. His sister, Kimberly Leeds, thinks that's so he can avoid normal social contacts and justify living his life mostly in the night.

Bixler has always been close to his sister, Kimberly

She's the one who pulled his shirt over his head about 15 years ago and made him look at his rib cage. "Look at yourself," she said. "How can you think you're OK?"

Bixler is growing weaker by the day

Even though she understands the disorder, her brother's eating habits both cause her to marvel and madden her.

"He will not eat any dairy, but he eats frozen yogurt all the time," she says. "He won't eat certain lettuce because it gets caught in his teeth, but he will eat iceberg lettuce. He'll eat popcorn all night long but won't eat roast beef because it sticks in his teeth."

Bixler, his nephews, his sister and her husband, Clay, say grace

If they go out to eat, she says, "He can't order something off the menu. There are about five or six statements that have to go along with it." Forget rice or beans, if that comes with the entree. He has to have shredded lettuce and cilantro on the side. He will eat vegetables and protein foods, but carbohydrates are a non-starter, she says.

Leeds may be frustrated, but she hasn't given up on her brother. To the contrary, she's joined him in his fight to get more extensive care.

Their parents, she says, have been dealing with the situation for half of Bryan's life and it is wearying.

"Mother feels like she's done everything. She's mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted," Leeds says. "Her life has been dedicated to him for the last 20 years."

All of which Bixler knows and which makes him sigh.

His father tells him he's not trying hard enough. What's so hard about fixing a bowl of oatmeal and eating it? They have shelled out the money before and might again, but the failing economy has hurt their finances.

"They blame me, their blame reinforces my own self-blame," he says. "I'm my own worst critic. I look in the mirror at night, saying I'm insane. What's wrong with me?"

He knows the answer, of course: a disorder with numerous dark corners that enveloped and then overwhelmed him.

Bixler reads to his nephews, Jeremy and Elliott Leeds, at his sister's home

"I can't understand why I can't do what a 6-year-old can do -- feed myself." "



Link:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-anorexia-dying3-2009apr03,0,7712747,full.story

Audio slideshow:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-anorexia-ss,0,848624.htmlstory

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MARIE CARO, THE MOTHER OF ISABELLE CARO, COMMITS SUICIDE

Isabelle Caro (1982-2010)

From the Daily Mail:

"The mother of Isabelle Caro, the anorexic French model who died last year, has committed suicide.

Marie Caro, whose daughter made headlines around the world after a picture of her gaunt naked body appeared in a shocking ad campaign, took her own life earlier this month after being consumed with 'enormous guilt'.

Isabelle died at the age of 28 in a French hospital on November 17 after she was admitted for severe dehydration...."

Read more here:

Marie Caro, mother of Isabelle Caro, commits suicide

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