"Dear Medusa,
My name is Toni. It was only a month ago that I realised something was off; that what I was doing wasn't smart.
I've been teased and bullied in school since my first day at primary because I was different. I had a bully teacher in year 2 and only two friends who sometimes deserted me. But I managed to cope and developed nothing more than anxiety.
I was pushed over the edge into depression when I had my heart broken just over three years ago. For two years I built negative habits such as avoiding school, lashing out, locking myself in my room, and keeping everything bottled up.
I had never thought I was pretty; I'd been told daily that I was ugly every day at school, and I believed it. But it wasn't until year 9 / age 13 that I started to think I was overweight. I hated mirrors; every time I looked in them I saw fat. Even so, I didn't do anything about it.
I had become a very lazy, unfit person over the past few years, but I weighed no more than the average girl my age and height.
It was last year that I began to skip meals and throw food out at school. I'd give my lunch to my friends or the bin, but I was still eating breakfast and dinner - until I was taken to a psychologist for my depression and anxiety, which at this point had resulted in self-harming (cutting) myself weekly and suicidal thoughts. Not long after, I was booked in to see a psychiatrist and was then prescribed Fluoxetine (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety).
The medication worked for the most part. I stopped cutting and attended school more frequently. But my appetite dropped dramatically, until I didn't feel like I could eat breakfast, more often than not I didn't eat lunch, and then I'd only eat half my dinner. So my mum bought me Complan (food supplement milkshake) to make up for it.
I haven't been on Fluoxetine for three months now, but I've been eating even less. Most day's I've been having nothing but half my dinner, because I want to be thin; I want to be beautiful. For the past two months I've developed anorexia (I have not yet lost much weight due to my mum keeping me on Complan) but day after day I restrict my food intake and have 2 exercise routines: daily and nightly.
Last month, I realised I was being stupid. I'd been visiting my dad at the time, and one night he made me all of a very fattening dinner. That night, during my shower, I made myself throw up for the first time. The experience shook me and I began to research it and figure I fit the symptoms of anorexia.
Yet, despite this realisation, I still fight every day to NOT eat, to the point where a week ago I almost passed out.
I am fighting this battle on my own; I have told no one, but I thought that my story might help inspire others to fight it as I am. I've gone in alone and am trying to get Ana out of my life. I am trying to live.
From Toni."
Link to photo:
Sticks and Stones...
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