Sunday, April 25, 2010


Vicki's heartbreaking story...

"Hi there

I guess it feels kind of important to share my story right now. Because I think people put the dangers of eating disorders to the back of their minds - all the side effects, the horrible consequences. We all know what they are, but a lot of us also disregard them too, pleasing the ED being our only aim.

My mum did this too.

And now she is dead.

She died last week. She killed herself because she could not see any other way. ED took EVERYTHING from her.

See, at first ED seems like it’s your friend. It takes away all the pain, and replaces it with something you CAN do. First, it’s your friend. And then it kills you.

There is a lot of History of ED in my family. My mum suffered from the age of 13 until her death with anorexia. Her mum had anorexia.

I also have an eating disorder, which I am fighting with all of my might to recover from. I grew up seeing it, believing it was normal to act that way towards food, to have such a devastatingly negative body image. I watched my mum’s volatile, ever changing moods, and saw how it depended upon whatever the 'magic number' on the scale was that day.

My own personal disordered behaviours began when I was around 12. Mum was so ill, so drowned in ED, she could never see anything else. She didn’t like things to be as they were - it’s just that she couldn't get any space from ED.

See, the thing is ED isn’t something you can just toy with for a while. You can’t dabble in it, try it for size, and then decide it isn’t for you. Because by then it's far too late. ED has got you in a stranglehold, and you WILL find yourself fighting for your life. Or giving in, succumbing to its demands.

And I think too many people trivialise and underestimate the effects of eating disorders. People DO die from them.

My mum killed herself because she couldn’t live with the demands of her ED anymore.

Please. We need to raise awareness of the seriousness of these problems. We don’t need any more eating disorder statistics.

I'm going to recover. It's not going to be easy, not in the slightest. It’s all I’ve ever known. But I am not going to follow in my mother’s footsteps.

I'm not going to be another ED statistic. What good is that to anyone?

And surely, no one else out there wants the same.

FIGHT! You have to because, really, it’s a matter of your life, or your death. Literally.


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Lou Lou said...

vic, your have written this so well. i am so sorry about your mum and what you are going through right now, your a really amazing person, even when you are going through a tough time you want to help others and shed light on ED. you are a beautiful diamond, and i am so proud of you that you want to fight this tyrant ED, your strength inspires me through my own recovery, and your supportive comments and words have meant so much to me through my journey. i am sending you all the love light and serenity i have, and i am always here, thinking of you and hoping for the absolute best, you deserve happiness so much. and you are a truly amazing person

sarahlynn said...

Vicki -
Your contribution can't be more timely. I lost my Mom 8mos. ago to her anorexia. I'll never know if it was the anorexia that killed her, or suicide - she may have overdosed on insulin, or her sugar might have dropped to a deadly level because she'd stopped eating. Regardless. Like you, eating disorders 'run' in my family: I've had one for most of my life, my Grandmother did as well.
I had been missing my Mom so much when I read your post. It will not be easy. The grieving, or the recovery. My mom is my inspiration to recover - I don't want to be another statistic, don't want to die that way too.
But it is hard. I wish I could wrap you in hugs right now, keep you sheltered from the pain you must be going through. The last 8 months have been the worst of my life. Predictably, I relapsed, harshly - but also started back in treatment for the first time since I was 18. Grief. Sucks. Grief when you've lost your Mom to suicide, or to anorexia - is magnified, to say the least.
You will succeed, you will recover... but it will be incredibly, incredibly hard. I wish I could make it better-easier for you. If you ever want someone to talk to who is going through pretty near The Same Thing, please don't hesitate to email me. I've never met someone else who lost a Mom to an ED (while having one of their own) - sometimes you feel so alone.