Thursday, July 29, 2010


Jan, after therapy

"Hi Medusa.

At first I just wanted to tell you, that I think, your page is one of the most important in the whole "pro-or-against-eating-disorder" thing.

I'm very sorry for my bad English, I hope, I'll find the words to tell my story. Maybe it'll help anyone to find his/her true self and leave his ED behind.

Half a year ago I thought my eating disorder started in 2008. Now I know that this is not right, it's just that nobody recognized.

When I was at the kindergarten I was a very small and thin child, always underweight. When I started elementary school I also started binging, I don't know why. With 11 years I had a weight about 130 pounds (about 145 cm tall), my parents always asked themselves what was wrong with me (another interesting point maybe is, that my younger brother (I'm 4 years older) started binging also when elementary school began).

I always hated my weight. I always hated my body. I always felt useless, unable to be loved, outstanding and misunderstood, my phobia started with about 8 (I feared nearly everything. Day, night, people, loneliness, darkness, mirrors, talking, and so on), my depressions with 11, with 12. I tried to kill myself or the first time.

With 14 I was diagnosed with Borderline, I was also cutting myself. I was so full of hate and all of it was against my worthless existence.

Jan, a half year before her bulimia started

With 15 I started therapy at a psychiatric ward and stayed there for 5 months. When I went home, I thought it might go better from now, but that was not the face, it went worse.

After another try to kill myself on New Year 2008 I had my second therapy on a ward. I started purging but nobody saw it. At this time it wasn't often, about 2 times a month.

In July I found pro-ana-pages and that was when my ED was complete:

First starving for about 3/4 of a year, I lost nearly 50 pounds. Then my body didn't wanted to do this anymore, but I wanted to, so my bulimia went out of "control" (of course, it's been ALL out of control before. But I never realized).

One year in hell passed, I still don't know how I survived it. Then I went to a clinic which was specialized on eating disorders. This was where I found out, that my ED did not start when I found pro-ana. Where I learned what kind of problems I ever had and why I tried to hide them behind symptoms like cutting, purging or starving. It's been all the same but my parents never saw my problems. I was always the one who said: "I can't live on like this, I need to go to a psychologist", my parents never realized. This does not mean that they didn't take care of me, they just... did not SEE the problems.

Jan, during therapy

After the last clinic I moved out from my mother’s house. I'm living alone now and slowly I started to LIKE myself. Not loving, not yet. But there's an acceptance and some days I look in the mirror and think: "Hey. You're a pretty girl, aren't you? Why did you hate yourself all this time?"

In the end I still don't say that these 15 years of mental disease are wasted. Because they made me being what I am now and they made me also realize that life's often harder than the other might know.

I'm happy at the moment. I like myself - and I LOVE life. And I am glad I survived.

Best greetings to everyone. I hope you'll also find out one day that life's worth to be lived.


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Nicely dun said...

I found that too

that after wards
when you realize who you are, and that you are beautiful,
you wonder why you were so angry at yourself for all those years.

It seems crazy AFTER the fact.