Tuesday, February 26, 2008


"In whose body am I breathing? Whose eyes are these piercing my own?
Is it really myself staring back at me through this mirror?
It cannot possibly be.
I think I remember a time different than this.
Though, It is vague.
I remember being happy, once.
I almost recall it.
Loving life And, dare I say, myself.
Maybe it isn’t me, maybe this is a dream. A nightmare.
Maybe I will wake up soon, and my life can begin again.
There she is, staring back at me through this wretched mirror.
It only deceives me. Ruins me.
Oh, but how good I am at this game.
This never-ending, sleepless, heartless,
Empty game I call my life.
I cannot win or lose,
But merely wander until I fade and wither away.
No satisfaction. Constant worry, misery,
Disappointment and pain.
It is not I living it. It cannot be.
Here I stand, in front of this mirror once again.
Staring, wishing, waiting.
Waiting for a change.
Wishing that if I stare long enough,
Just maybe I will see something that I overlooked before.
Something worth loving.
But it never comes.
This misery has diminished my hope, and with it my life.
I am the melancholy girl who stares out the window late at night
Watching the lights fade,
The cars passing,
Trying to catch a glimpse of promise.
Trying to see what other people see.
I am the one who spends long nights on the bathroom floor
Sobbing about who I have become- what I have become.
Yes, I am the girl who dreams of being beautiful,
Yet so easily reduced to tears by this wretched mirror.
It is not I walking these halls.
Absent-mindedly smiling.
For inside I am dying.
How do they not see?
I have become a shell of a person.
I have mastered the art of faking “I’m fine.”
Forcing a smile is second nature.
My life is a contest with myself.
An endless race to a nonexistent finish line.
And how good at this game I am.
Yet, People see a happy girl.
But what they don’t see is the

From a young girl's journal on a proanorexia website.

If you are the young girl who wrote this journal entry, or are experiencing any of the same feelings yourself, please get help as soon as possible by calling any of the following numbers:

In North America:

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1 800 448-4663

Bulimia/Anorexia Self Help Hotline: 1 800 227-4785

Anorexia Nervosa and Associate Disorders: 1-847-831-3438

Youth Crisis Line: 1 800 HIT-HOME

Thursday's Child National Call Center for at Risk Youth: 1-800-USA-KIDS

Boys and girls Town National Hotline: 1 800 448-3000

Referrals to Eating Disorder specialists (US and Canada): 1-800-736-3739

The National Mental Health Association Information Center: 1-800-969-NMHA

And in the UK/IRELAND:

The Eating Distress Helpline (Ireland): 011-44-2600366

Anorexia and Bulimia Care: 01462 423351, www.anorexiabulimiacare.co.uk - National Christian organisation run by Christians for sufferers, families and carers. Support, advice, information and befriending to sufferers and families. Can put parents of sufferers in contract with other parents of sufferers

beat - beat eating disorders (formerly the Eating Disorders Association) Helpline: 0845 6341414, email help@...; b-eat Youthline 0845 634 7650, email fyp@..., www.b-eat.co.uk

British Nutrition Foundation: 020 7404 6504 - Provides information and advice on nutrition and related health matters. Produce a wide range of leaflets and books

DABS Mail Order Book Catalogue: 01709 860023 - Books relating to Eating Disorders, Child Abuse, Self Esteem, Assertiveness, Self Harm etc

Caraline: 01582 457474, email info@..., www.caraline.com - Telephone helpline, counselling and support for people experiencing anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeaters. Monthly self help group, individual counselling and specialised programmes. Helpline national, other services Bedfordshire

Independence: 01223 566130 - Publishes book Coping with Eating Disorders price approx. £5.95

The International Eating Disorders Centre: 01296 330557, www.eatingdisorderscentre.co.uk - Run short residential combined out patient programmes and inpatient programmes for sufferers

The National Centre for Eating Disorders: 0845 838 20 40, www.eating-disorders.org.uk - Details of therapists who specialise in the treatment of eating disorders

National Institute for Health & Clinical Excellence: 020 7067 5800 - Publish guidelines relating to Treatment of Anorexia

Northern Initiative on Women & Eating: 0191 261 7010 - Helpline and information service for anyone experiencing problems with food and for their families and professionals. The agency provides support across the whole spectrum of eating problems including anorexia, bulimia, compulsive eating, binge eating and other associated problems

Office of Health Economics: 020 7930 9203 - Publishes a useful book called Eating Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa 1994 by Richard West. Cost £5

SupportLine: 020 8554 9004, email info@... - Telephone Helpline providing confidential emotional support to Children, Young Adults and Adults on any issue. Also keep details of other agencies, support groups and counsellors throughout the UK

Threshold Women's Mental Health Infoline: 0808 808 6000, email infoline@..., www.thresholdwomen.org.uk - National telephone helpline providing details of local and national services throughout UK. Produce series of factsheets on women and mental health, emotional support for women seeking information. Aims to help women experiencing mental health and or emotional distress, their carers, families, friends, partners

Young Minds: 0800 018 2138, email enquiries@..., www.youngminds.org.uk - Helpline and other support services for parents concerned about the mental health of a baby, child, or young person. Produces a range of leaflets, reports etc

Youth Helpline: 0845 6347650 - Offer information and support to people affected by eating disorders and in particular anorexia and bulimia. Telephone helpline and a UK wide network of self help and support contacts. Information and treatment about eating disorders and treatment available. Membership includes a regular newsletter

Useful websites

Abused Empowered Survive Thrive: www.aest.org.uk - A site for survivors of abuse which includes information on eating disorders

British Nutrition Foundation: www.nutrition.org.uk - Information on healthy eating

Channel 4 Health site: www.channel4.com/health - Information on a range of issues including eating disorders, depression, self harm, anxiety, mental health

www.eatingdisorder-alightinthedarkness.com - A sufferer of an eating disorder shares her personal experiences

www.eatingdisorderexpert.co.uk - Information on eating disorders including diagnosing, signs, causes, risks and treatments

Food and Mood: www.foodandmood.org - A site which explores the relationship of what you eat and how you feel

www.gemini.selfhelp.btinternet.co.uk - Site aimed at eating disorder sufferers – also run self help and support group for sufferers in Beckenham, Kent. Site includes chat room and forum
Mental Health Foundation: www.mentalhealth.org.uk - Includes information relating to eating disorders

www.parents.com - Lots of tips on encouraging children to eat healthily

www.pale-reflections.com - Online community for anyone affected by eating disorders

www.rcpsych.ac.uk - Information on eating disorders

Something Fishy: www.somethingfishy.org - A recovery site for those with eating disorders. Includes support forums, information and help for parents and carers

Surgerydoor: www.surgerydoor.co.uk - Information on anorexia

www.swedauk.org - Website for Somerset and Wessex Eating Disorders Association includes support and information for all those affected by eating disorders

TheSite: www.thesite.org - Includes information on eating disorders

Useful book

Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa: A Self Help guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques - Publishers Constable & Robinson: ISBN 1854879693


Many thanks to WildAngel6, and to MrsM @ Weighing the Facts
and Stephanie @ Living Low Carb and Lovin' It for the Hotline numbers and links.

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MrsMenopausal said...

Omg, that poor girl! I feel awful for her.

Great links. Thanks for posting them. I hadn't seen a lot of these.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to her, its funny how fakeing to be a ok becomes a part of our lives so quickly. whats also funny and maybe its just me that experiences it, but when someone asks, if im ok or hows my life, the first reply that comes to my mind is IM NOT. but to get those words out is like chewing on nails.
its weird

Medusa said...

Anonymous, I've found it's just so much easier to say "I'm OK" than "I'm not OK" and then having to deal with the emotional aftermath.

Hard as it is to say "I'm not OK," the relief of saying it is so worth it.

And you're certainly not alone...many of us choke on the words that reveal the truth.

Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.

Hugs to you...